Hi guys looking for some advice here. Sorry in advance for the long post, but I want to be thorough in order to get the best advice possible.
I recently started dating this girl and everything has been great, and unlike the title suggests, including the sex. A bit of sexual background about us; I’m a very open person when it comes to it. Sex is so fascinating for me not only physically but psychologically, to the point where I’m even thinking of going back to school to become a sex therapist. I love talking about all aspects of it but I know there are a lot of people who either still consider it taboo or are just shy about it, my gf is the latter. I’d say I’m a lot more experienced than her and more open to talk about it than her. She’s rather shy and is still in the process of coming out of her shell towards me as we’ve really only started having sex for about a month or so, which I totally understand and I don’t mind moving at her pace to make her comfortable. It kind of took her back how open to talking about it I was; asking her what she likes, dislikes, getting to know her body and exploring things she’s never had anyone try to understand for her. She’s expressed interest in some of the things I like that she herself has never tried in regards to BDSM but I think it’s subconsciously made her nervous due to lack of experience. I try to reassure her as best I can that there’s no pressure for her to jump into things so fast and that we can experiment little by little, I mean tbh the taking the role of teaching her these things honestly turns me on even more so I have no issue with going slow.
Now to the issue at hand. Our sex has been great; it’s passionate, long, very frequent, satisfying, and intimate. The only “problem” is that she has a hard time actually cumming. She has never finished through penetration with anyone, which is super normal and prefers to be stimulated from her clit whether that’s by hand or with my tongue. I actually love this cause I thoroughly enjoy giving head and pleasuring my partner. I get off more so on her pleasure than mine. She gets turned on extremely easily to the point where making out for a few seconds and she’s already soaking wet, which in turn gets me going all the more. She is always wanting to jump my bones and says she’s never had anyone turn her on as much, so the attraction is definitely there. The problem lies with finishing, which she has no problem doing on her own with a vibrator/toys, but when it comes to doing it with me, in her own words, “she gets in her own head”. This isn’t a new or foreign concept and it happens to everyone, but she’s becoming really self conscious about it and I can tell she’s blaming herself. I am a very vocal and communicative person when it comes to sex and I’ve tried to get her to talk me through it to help her out, but for whatever reason she has this block she can’t get over. I fear that the longer this goes the more down on herself she’s going to be cause she wants to so bad but can’t. On my end I try to be as reassuring as possible telling her it’s no big deal and it’ll happen and just to be communicative with me during so I can help her out. Like I mentioned before she’s never had someone try to understand her this way so I don’t know if it’s having sort of an opposite effect where it’s making her even more nervous. Do y’all think this is just a case of her having to get more comfortable with me? Or is there something I can do better to help her get over this mental obstacle? Hell it could honestly even be my fault and I’m not realizing it. I’ll answer any questions in the comments for more info since this is already incredibly long (sorry lol).
6 comments
Look into the various couple’s vibrators used during intercourse. Lelo brands are expensive but high quality.
If vibrators work for her during solo sex, try incorporating hers into your partnered sex.
Success is the best remedy to stop a negativity spiral.
You may be causing it. If she’s shy and you’re open you need to find a happy medium. She needs to stay in the moment and if she’s overthinking it it’s going to kill it for her and she’s going to be there super aware and it gets awkward. Too much stimulation is going to do that. Have you tried sex in the dark and letting her control the mood? She needs to be relaxed
As both of you are witnessing, nothing makes it harder to climax than feeling pressure to climax. It’s like a bad feedback loop.
I would suggest doing this in stages.
She should start by getting herself off in front of you. If it’s not too distracting, you can be touching or holding her or talking her through it, but the most important thing is that she feels relaxed enough to be able to get herself off with you around. (if she can’t get even that comfortable, I have other suggestions, but from the sound of it, this sounds possible already.)
Next step: she gets her self to the very edge, and then you take over for the finish. This teaches her body that someone else’s touch can trigger orgasm. Even if she’s doing most of the “work“ the fact that it’s you who is bringing her over the edge Can still reshape her feeling and thinking around how her orgasms work.
From there, the two of you can experiment with either changing the different ways that you help her finish or she brings you in to finish sooner and sooner. In theory, eventually, she may not need to do much work at all, and you can handle it, but that’s a long-term goal, not something to try to knock out over the next week
I think her curiosity about BDSM might be a clue…..she is stuck in her head, but maybe a small and pretty vanilla change can help. Try blindfolding her, or tying her hands together (or to the bed post) using some neckties.
With PIV sex….most women need more than just a penis to achieve an orgasm. Try sex with her on the couch, and you kneeling between her legs….hump as usual, but use either your fingers or her fingers to slowly stimulate and tease her clitoris. That….can be a lot of fun. If she’s comfortable with self-stimulation, than she can do that while you do doggy or whatever. On top, she can lean forward and rub her clitoris on your pubic bone while riding you, that way she’s able to control all aspects she needs to achieve orgasm.
Aside from that, keep exploring and getting to know each other sexually.
Serious issue… hilarious title
Stop making the orgasm a goal. There is no finish line. Tell her to just relax and be in the moment. An orgasm might even sneak up on her. I’ll give you the story of the Hunter and the unicorn. There was a hunter who chased a unicorn (in your case an orgasm) for days on end and couldn’t catch it. Eventually he got tired so he decided to rest. The moment he rested on a tree stump, the unicorn came to him and laid at his feet. Why? Because he stopped chasing it.
See if sucking on her clit helps. Be gentle unless she wants something more intense. Isolate her clit with your upper lip and tongue with your lower lip completing the suction. Suction increases blood flow which dramatically increases pleasure and therefore the potential for an orgasm or two. You can either keep your head still while sucking her clit in and out of your mouth, or you can maintain suction while moving your head in and out. Women deserve blow jobs as well.