I’m going to start this off by saying I love my husband very much and he loves me. We both find eachother attractive looks and personality wise. I don’t want a divorce or separation.
I am a sexually active person. I’m always willing to have sex with him no matter the time or day. If he asks then it’s an automatic yes. He’s not very sexual so we have sex once or twice every week/two weeks if I’m lucky. We have sex every time ✨he✨ wants to. I’ll try to initiate or seduce him but to no avail. He just doesn’t seem to have much of a sex drive.
There was one night (a good whole back) where I put on lacy red lingerie and got dolled up on a night we had nothing going on. I sent him pictures from the other room and came out when I saw that he had seen them. I tried to initiate some foreplay but gave up when I realized he was too focused on the tv. After he saw that I looked dejected he said to give him a few minutes. I sat next to him for a good half hour in my lingerie and full face. I eventually gave up in entirety and changed and removed my makeup while crying. All I could think is “why am I not enough to turn my own husband on?”. I haven’t done anything like that since that night because I don’t want to waste the effort to just be rejected and embarrassed again.
I know I shouldn’t but I have snooped through his phone on several occasions due to my mental illnesses causing me to be paranoid. I know all his passwords so if I can’t get access to his phone I will just log into his accounts. I’ve caught him on porn sites, scam hookup sites, following nude or semi nude women on social media.
Porn sites: he says it’s for when I’m sleeping or when I turn him down. I tell him to wake me up if he wants sex and I have never turned him down. I’ve asked him to not watch porn 3-4 times now because it makes me insecure. The girls he watch don’t look like me. Bigger boobs, asses, skinnier, just the complete opposite of me
Scam hookups: I confronted him on the sites. He said he signed up for them before we even got together. I know he lied because I saw confirmation emails dating a a few days (maybe a week) before I found out.
(Semi)Nude social media: I ask him not to follow them. I ask him to unfollow the ones he already is. He said it’s not his job to baby my insecurities (paraphrasing). Just today I found he was following a woman who posted whole nudes on his twitter. I logged in and blocked her.
He’s told me to stop snooping but I can’t help it when I know I’m just gonna keep finding that bullshit on his phone. I know in some cases it’s better just not to know and sometimes I wish I didn’t but I do he wants to watch porn and look at other naked women, but he doesn’t really ever touch, me have sex with me, he doesn’t even complement me. I don’t know what to do. I look at him and I see my entire world I’m not attracted to anyone else. I don’t get why I’m not enough. Why can’t I be the only person that he’s sexually attracted to. Why does he feel the need to go looking for something? I am always ready and available. I’m just at the point of never having sex again because I feel like all he’s thinking about are these other women. I can’t do it I can’t keep trying to sexually please him when he doesn’t put in any effort. When he can’t even show me any decency or respect, I know I’m in the wrong for snooping through his stuff and I do feel bad about it every time it happens. But when I see things pop up on his phone when he’s scrolling through his social media and all these naked women pop up or when his phone goes off with an email notification, saying something like “local singles” or “this chick is horny for you” how am I supposed to ignore that. Every time I confront him about any of it. He makes it seem like I’m the crazy one because “everyone does it”. I don’t. I don’t do it. So tell me what to do or how to feel because I’m clueless
7 comments
You’ve tried communication, seducing him and nothing has worked. And on top of everything he’s also cheating by using those silly apps and watching porn.
This might sound cliché but ✨LEAVE HIM✨
He most likely has a porn addiction. It can effect his libido and performance. The addiction can make it impossible to have a normal healthy sexual relationship. Excessive porn usage causes changes in the brain in relation to normal sexual activity. He needs to come clean about the amount of porn he uses and how often he is masturbating daily. He needs treatment if he is addicted.
If he is not willing to communicate about his possible issues and your views on porn etc then I don’t see how anything is going to change. You sound like this is making you very unhappy and it’s harming your self-esteem. Further it sounds like your needs aren’t being fulfilled. How is it the few times you’re having sex? Is he pleasing you?
This just sounds miserable and you’re way too young to be so unhappy and give up on sex. Have you had those issues before marriage? Or ever talked about your sex drives etc? Honestly, I can’t help but think that’s way to early to get married and problems/incompatibilities are bound to get out of this.
You may have some insecurities too that you could work on, but here that’s not the point and the fault lies with him. For example I think it’s expecting your partner to only find you and really nobody else ever attracted or feel attracted to is in my opinion a bit unhealthy. But yeah, that’s not the point here.
And I guess most men would dream of their wife saying she’s available and ready whenever they want! So sorry that your husband doesn’t appreciate that.
He’s cheating on you, repeatedly, and you won’t leave him.
There’s no magic solution. Settle in for a long, painful life of getting cheated on.
Who was it that wanted this hella early marriage? Is it possible he got you to marry him the second you turned 18 so that you’d feel obligated to put up with this behavior? He’s continually ignoring your requests and insulting your feelings for his own selfish reasons. You need to put your foot down about this before you waste even more of your life being treated like an occasional sex toy.
Just sleep with other people. Sorted
You got married at 18 to a 21 year old. The obvious answer here is that neither of you are mature enough for this relationship. You could try couples therapy but these all sound like deal breakers.