So like the title suggests, I’ve gotten myself into quite a bind and at this point I’m ready to leave but I don’t think I have the means. I’m going to try and keep this as short as possible but I’m sorry if it’s a lot.
I’ve been married to my husband (26M) for 5 years and we have a toddler together. Throughout our relationship, there has been about 3-4 instances of me catching him talking to either an ex of his or just another woman. The last time he went as far as to ask her if he could come to her house, that was shortly after I had our baby. I won’t go into detail but he also has a history of alcohol and drug abuse, both of which have caused major problems for us.
After the last “instance” things seemed to get better for awhile, but I got injured last year and things have gone downhill in a big way since then. He treated me like trash and showed me absolutely zero sympathy or compassion. Sometime after that we got into a big argument about car seat safety and he proceeded to yell at me, call me names, and throw something that happened to hit me in the process, but he never apologized despite me having a bruise after. All in front of our child.
Last month, I accidentally caught a glimpse of his phone as a Snapchat notification popped up showing an unfamiliar girls name. I didn’t press the issue, but then it happened again, so I went looking and sure enough he’s been snapping this girl every day for months. Every time I see him open the app, her name is right there at the top no matter what time of day. I’m not stupid, I know what’s most likely going on, especially because he actively tries to prevent me seeing.
I suppose it could be that they’re just friends, but he isn’t ok with me having male friends or even talking to a guy outside of absolutely necessary interactions.
The problem is that I can’t bring it up to him. The last time I found out he was flirting, he yelled and berated ME so badly that I ended up crying and apologizing for looking at his phone. With this, I have even less proof than I did then, and I’m terrified to bring it up. Every time I think about it, I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack. I won’t be able to support myself or my child if I leave. I have hardly any savings, though I’m saving all I can from working part time. I have no car in my name either. No one in my family is in a place to take us in. I could probably stay with someone for a few days but that would be it. And I’m afraid to tell anyone, either his family or mine.
I truly feel stuck right now, I can’t see a way out of this, and the worst part is I got myself into it. I desperately want to go see a therapist, but I would have to do it secretly and we live in a small town so it would very hard. I also don’t want to take anything out of my pitiful savings to pay for the appointment, and then there’s the problem that I’m on his insurance so he would find out either way.
If and when I do end up bringing this up to him, I really want to have someone present with me, because I feel like things are going to get ugly. Ideally I’d like it to be someone from his family, as I feel like he would just shut down completely and deny everything if it was one of my family members. But how would I even begin to tell one of them what’s going on? Would they just take his side?
I know I’ve posted in other subreddits before seeking advice for one relationship problem or another, and it may go without saying but I’ve changed the ages/dates up just a bit….even though this is a very specific situation. I’m just hoping anyone who has been through something similar can give me advice on how to hell to get out of this mess without many resources. Please, any advice at all helps.
Tl;dr heavily suspect my husband is cheating but afraid to bring it up/leave him for fear of emotional and verbal abuse, cannot support myself at this moment
7 comments
Leave him. Every moment you stay you are harming yourself.
There are services out there for people in your exact situation: scared of shitty husband, need to leave, have a kid, can’t for financial reasons. Just do an internet search on a computer or device he doesn’t have access to and contact them and get a plan in place.
With that out of the way…
>and throw something that happened to hit me in the process, but he never apologized despite me having a bruise after.
I kept reading after this but this is really the point where the whole stay/go thing kinda solidifies. Even pretending he didn’t hit you on purpose… he’s violent, poor impulse control, and the failure to apologize to you is really what seals the deal.
You’re terrified of this guy. And with good reason. He’s used pretty much every verbal and physical abuse trick in the book to fuck with your head. Even now he’s got you to the point where you’re like trying to find evidence of his cheating when you should already just be planning your escape.
That’s like police showing up to a massacre and being like “whoa, but seriously, where’s the stolen TVs?”
You’re distracting yourself with this game of trying to catch him red handed (which, let’s face it, you’ve already pretty much found enough to know he’s cheating…) which gets you what exactly? Reason to leave? You already got that. You don’t need to get him to agree with you about what you already know. It’s not like getting him to confess gets you some prize or anything. If anything you already know how it’ll go even if you come at him with a pile of evidence as tall as you.
Right now every moment needs to be focused on figuring out how to get you and your child safely out of there and on the way to starting divorce proceedings. That’s gonna be it.
As for confronting him about this, I wouldn’t even bother trying to figure out how to do it in person. Especially if all you can come up with is someone HE’S related to maybe.
All of this is a distraction. Prune them all away and focus on thing 1: Securing the safety of you and your kid. Then go from there.
You are being abused. Your circumstances are tough but remember that you don’t need “proof” of him cheating as an excuse to leave. He has already hurt you in multiple ways and the longer you stay the worse things will get for both you and your child. Ask trusted family members or friends for help and seek out resources nearby you. You aren’t alone and you can get through this alright
You’re already working to get yourself out of this, and you will. I recommend calling a domestic violence hotline on a trusted friend or family member’s phone, or using a chat feature on an incognito browser. They can help you make a plan to get out of there safely, even if it doesn’t happen immediately. They may also be able to help you with resources to help expedite it.
Look for resources to help people experiencing domestic violence, such as thehotline dot org. Or google “domestic violence resources” plus your area. You and your child deserve safety, and you’ll never have it with this abusive cheater.
In every US community there are women’s services for just these issues.
Get online, get a phone number and create a plan to get out.
It may be terrifying now, but, be strong, eventually you’ll be on a positive journey.
dont confront him, just leave.