My boyfriend and I have a deep, open connection. But we’re in an endless loop on a topic, and I need an outside perspective to see if my ego is getting in the way / I’m not respecting his boundaries, or if there’s more we can discuss as a couple to move forward.
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We started discussing moving in together in the summer when his lease was up in February 2023. In August, I sold my house (planned) from living about 30-40 minutes away and moved into a 3-bedroom apartment with the plan that he would move into this apartment in February. I work remotely and moved into an apartment close to his work as I can be very flexible with location, so it could be more convenient when the time comes. I love the area and the apartment, and I was 100% in on taking the risk to create a space for the both of us even though nothing, at that point, was fully committed, but I would not have moved here if we hadn’t had that tentative plan.
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In October/November, we fully committed to the idea, he started to move a few things in slowly, and we talked more and more about logistics and space for the complete move in February.Mid-December, we got into a huge disagreement, where I told him I needed a break; I was having doubts based on a situation that happened – and I told him I felt it could work out between us. It only lasted a couple of days, and we spent a lot of dedicated time working through what happened (I would say honestly 100s of hours of conversation / fully present / no screens, and I also talked through it for a few weeks in therapy and did work on my own).After that argument, he told me he does not want to move in together anymore and signed a year lease with his current place.
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My sadness from not moving in has come from it not being a conversation. His perspective is that it’s a boundary he has set, and I don’t get a say in a boundary he wants to set to change his mind. He said that he’s uncomfortable taking a leap and moving in together now that breaking up feels more “real” and that there’s potential he could move in, and what if we break up?There will never be a magical 8-ball to say if we are or are not going to make it work. I was willing and open to having a deep conversation about the backup plan if we broke up (e.g., he was fearful that he would just be homeless, which I would never do, so I explained how we could write down and figure out how we would support each other and have plans if that happened, especially because he couldn’t afford this apartment on his own). I also said if the December situation had happened when we lived together, the “break” would have looked differently.I also have had to grieve that I took the leap of faith with the apartment/moving closer first. I would never want to beg or have someone move in if he was having doubts, but I wanted to have a safe space to have a conversation to express how I feel about him changing his decision.He’s mentioned that he sees living apart as a good thing; we can grow our relationship over the next year and then have a conversation again in 2024 about living together. For me, if we had any small disagreement, he made it almost feel like a “scorecard” or another reason that it was good to keep separate places. For example, during a disagreement, he told me I was being melodramatic multiple times, which was very triggering for me, so the moment I said if he felt that way, he should think about if he wanted to be with me. He came back last night saying that’s another example of why he thinks living together is a better decision. I can be much more emotionally driven, so I felt like the words I said like he pulls out to be in a microscope and disregarded the thousands of hours of other examples we’ve had with good communication.
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:My boyfriend changes his mind about moving in after a big argument, he feels like he set a boundary that I need to respect and let go of, and I don’t know if my ego is getting in the way and I’m overstepping.
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Edit: To explain what happened and why I asked for a break. Dec 1 we went on a two-week trip to Germany with my boyfriend’s best friend and his wife – and it was a disaster.
I ended up getting very ill on the trip and ended up on the hospital. When I was sick, my boyfriend continued the trip with these friends and was out all day, except the one day that I needed help to get to the hospital. He spent the entire day with me navigating the health care system. My boyfriend speaks German, but I do not.
The wife kept telling my boyfriend I’m a burden, that I’d ruined the trip etc., and instead of standing up for me, he talked about me behind my back, saying how frustrated he was that I was sick and how much it sucked for him that he has to “deal with it.
I got very upset that he didn’t stand up for me and let a friend talk to me like that. I blocked her when we came back to Germany as she was getting worse and worse. I never responded to her text messaging as she was being cruel and saying things that weren’t true. I didn’t feel the need to go low and say mean things back or waste my time proving that she’s not saying things that are not true. EI told my boyfriend that I would never hang out with them again, I would never be friends with someone who treats other that way.
I got very upset that he didn’t stand up for me and he let a friend talk to me like that without stopping the conversation and saying it’s inappropriate.
I didn’t see how we could move forward as a couple when she would still be in my boyfriends life and not mine. So, I told him I needed a break because he wasn’t there for me and standing up for me. In fact, he made things worse in Germany.
After a few days of not speaking, we reconnected. He said he felt like he wanted to address it after the trip, that he’s known her for 16 years and she’s never said or done something like this to someone else. He had conversations with her about how it was inappropriate, set boundaries said he would never tolerate her talking about me behind my back again etc.
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26 comments
He’s signed a year lease. You either stay together and keep moving in the direction you hope leads to sharing a home in a year or you walk. Those are your only options.
> . I also said if the December situation had happened when we lived together, the “break” would have looked differently.
How so? What exactly happened that you felt the need to get a “break”? And was the “break” actually a conversation too or was it just do deciding to do it?
It wasn’t the argument that caused the issue, it was the need for a break. that removed feelings of stability and led to fear, understandably so in my opinion.
In his shoes, I’d be saying something similar, it’s a big commitment to move into someone else’s home and, regardless of the intentions earlier on, that’s what this is. For me, needing a ‘break’ doesn’t indicate being in a good position for starting living together, you say that things would have looked differently if you had been, but why didn’t they look like that anyway?
“Breaks” are for breaking up, not for healthy adult relationships.
If I were in his shoes, I’d not give up my place for someone who flipped out and took a break. But I also would probably just end things if a break was necessary. You two are mid 30’s. This seems pretty immature.
OP, you asked for a “break” right in the middle of his moving in with you. Of course that solidified in his mind that you could disrupt his living situation at any moment. So you can’t be shocked that he doesn’t trust you not to do this again (and potentially make him homeless). When you express “doubts” one assumes you expect him to take that seriously. Ending up without a place to live because a relationship fails is a valid fear. So he’s staying put for another 12 months, that’s a given. If you can’t afford the apartment without him consider getting a short term roommate. Then work on getting the relationship to the point where he can trust that you’re not going to let your “doubts” make you want to take a “break”. Because if that happens after he’s already moved in it would turn his life upside down.
OP, I’d advise you to accept his decision gracefully, and find a roommate to share expenses for the remainder of this year’s lease. You can keep the communications lines open with your partner and keep planning for him to move in, but I think it will mean a lot to him to see that you can respect his feelings without taking personal offense.
You say you tend to be more “emotionally driven” and if that means you attack your partner verbally sometimes when you fight, that is something I think you should work on during 2023 with your therapist. Part of his desire to live separately may be the feeling that he needs a safe retreat to get away from your angry outbursts. Even if you are able to have calm, rational discussions with him most of the time, you may need to practice remaining calm and rational when you feel pushed to your limits of your patience. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you!
Your response to an argument was to break up… This makes him feel uncomfortable and unsafe… He has every right to then re-assess living together, when he sees that your response to an argument is ending the relationship BEFORE you do the work to get through it.
I am sorry to say it, I know this is hard, but… The choice to “take a break” before the hours of conversation could happen would be a deal breaker for me moving in with someone too.. and it’s NOT 100% fair to you financially, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s appropriate for him to set this boundary and stand by it. The situation changed the instant you chose breaking up instead of talking through it as a couple.
You broke up with him. He has every right to feel wary of you now. I wouldn’t move in with someone either a couple of months after splitting up
I would absolutely not move in with someone in the midst of a big fight and after one or more “breaks”. Living with someone successfully requires security and your relationship has no security.
And after reading your story about Germany, I don’t know why either of you are in this relationship in the first place. It sounds miserable for both of you.
Looking at you profile, it seems like this might be your first big relationship after a divorce. After a big life change, it is common to attribute importance on the “rebound” relationship that may or may not be there. I would really sit and think of what you get out of this relationship and whether you might be better off ending it and starting again with someone new. Don’t let momentum keep you in an unhappy situation.
Good luck.
Honestly you two seem to argue too much from the sound of things. It now looks like he is almost looking for excuses to not be with you.
He made a choice for you both and is dressing it up as a boundary.
He did you a favour!!! He talks big words but his actions were speaking louder!!! Don’t trust him and when you are ready move on!!!!
So I get why he doesn’t feel it is right to move in together in the midst of uncertainty/this break, even if the reason you took a break is reasonable.
At the same time, he has to understand that the “boundary” he is setting comes with consequences. Why are you paying for a 3 bedroom apartment alone? Can you afford this apartment on your own and would you have gotten one this size/price if you were planning to live alone?
Sure he can decide he isn’t ready to move in, but you are right that it should be a conversation with him appreciating that his “boundary” creates real issues for you.
Given his lack of caring in Germany, coupled with his lack of thoughtfulness about the financial implications on you for not moving in, I’d say you are better off agreeing to not moving in, and make moves to be in a space that works for you alone.
I wouldn’t move in with someone who asked for a break, I wouldn’t stay with someone who asked for a break. I would want my partner to have fun on the holiday if I got sick, however under no circumstance would I be okay with a partner that allows their “friends” to disrespect and treat me like that, I wouldn’t date someone like him either. Instead of asking for a break you should have broken up permanently
Your boyfriend proved he’s not a good partner back in Germany. Dump him and move on.
Between how shitty he was on the Germany trip and the fact that he’s not considering the fact that you chose to move to accommodate him, while he signed a year long lease without consulting you beforehand, I really don’t know why you would want to continue to be with him.
Normally, I would say that your initiation of a “break” would be a good enough reason for him to be worried about living with you, and therefore back out on moving in 2 months later. However, the break being for a few days makes it worse IMO, because he decided very quickly to decide and renew the lease over trying to work through this with you, if he supposedly wanted to (you made it sound like you both were still talking and working things out through the break). To me, I would say this argument was giving him an excuse to not move in with you, but maybe I’m cynical… So, if there’s anything to learn from this about relationships, I would say don’t do breaks – stay together and work things out, or break up for good.
I personally would break things off with him. Dude has .. issues.
>(I would say honestly 100s of hours
I wouldn’t move in with you either, this sounds absolutely extra bonkers exhausting to me. Even if I go with a lower 100s -like 200, over 11 weeks, that’s 2-1/2 hours a day intense focus talking about the same topic. TBH it doesn’t sound like you two are a good match if it’s this difficult during your first year or so together.
Babes what about “in sickness and in health”? I know you’re not married yet but I’m assuming you will want to be one day. If he’s already not standing by you when you’re sick, it’s only going to get worse. That would honestly be a complete dealbreaker for me.
It’s important & commendable to communicate clearly & work through tough times in a relationship. But not *every* relationship is worth fighting for. I don’t know if this one is, but from your history I wonder if you know the difference between a healthy relationship that needs a little work & an unhealthy relationship that has met its natural end.
I think it’s best that you break up. He’s not a good, caring, supportive partner. And he showed his true colors on that vacation.
> 100s of hours of conversation
I wouldn’t want to move in.
IMHO breaks just make zero sense: in the end your still the same people who get back together, and a short time apart shouldn’t change a person fundamentally, so what changes?
If you two went through a break then the relationship is in no way ready to move forward. If you two almost broke up once (without a mortgage, kids or any “real” stress in your lives atm, how is it supposed to survive the really serious yet day to day stuff of real life?
To me, once a couple calls a break it’s a sign it’s over, after all, one person (right or wrong, regardless of circumstance) is effectively bailing on the relationship. If people get back together it’s usually with caveats, conditions or ultimatums, none of which have any place in a healthy relationship
Edit: After reading the OP’s edits this relationship sounds toxic, just end it.
How stupid are you…..
Your BF left you in hospital in a country where you don’t speak the language, alone.
He didn’t stop or defend you from one of his friends from being disrespectful towards you.
And you want him to move in with you… you should have ended it then.
As for his boundary, sorry but he’s right there. The relationship (which should have ended) is not stable enough to survive you living together.
OP do you really have time to waste on a guy acting like this?
“I told him I needed a break”
This should have been the end. You broke up. Don’t get back together with former partners.
It also sounds like it was too soon to be living together.