I went on a date for Valentine’s Day with a girl my friend set me up with and we clicked instantly. We have been hanging out almost every day since Valentine’s Day and I genuinely enjoy spending time with her. We went on a second date on Friday and things were going well but while I was walking her back to her apartment she told me she is not sure if she is ready to be in a relationship because she has an eating disorder. She has exercise bulimia and was in impatient care last year which is why she missed most of the spring semester. She is extremely in shape but I just believed she was really into fitness.
She said she is really into me and trusts me but she is scared of being in a relationship because of her disorder and wants to break things off between us. Her last two relationships ended because both guys could not handle her and left and she is scared of someone abandoning her again. I told her she is safe with me and I would support her recovery. My sister battled an eating disorder a couple years ago so I have experience with living with someone who has one. I asked her to give me a chance but she was hesitant and she walked into her apartment without saying anything else.
I don’t know what to do. She’s the most beautiful girl I have ever met and we both agree that there is a connection between us. I understand her worries but I am not going to be turned away by an eating disorder and she told me she has been making progress in her recovery. She hasn’t been responding to my messages this weekend but this morning she texted me and asked if I am available on Wednesday. I do not mind being her friend but I really want to be in a relationship with her.
Should I wait until she is ready or drop it and remain her friend?
TD;LR: A girl I am seeing is unsure of being in a relationship because she has an eating disorder. We have good chemistry and I assured her it is not a problem but she is hesitant to believe me.
6 comments
I hate to say it, but stay away. The underlying issues will be there for a long time.
I would just see how Wednesday goes.
If she is legitimately wanting to focus on her recovery, give her space. Let her know how you feel, but respect and support her recovery above all else. It is extremely mature of her to realize where her energy needs to be spent right now, and being single may be vital to recovery.
Even though everything seems perfect now, relationships aren’t always sunshine and rainbows. Being in a relationship is a lot of pressure and can be difficult to navigate at times. Add recovery to that and it’s even harder. At this point you don’t know her triggers. You don’t know the extent of what she is dealing with. Maybe jealously could trigger her down the road, maybe relationships make her feel like she has to maintain a certain imagine, this contributing to the issue she is trying to fix.
In a world that is so lonely, it takes a lot of self awareness to take a step back from a relationship that feels right at the wrong time. Support her. Offer to listen to her concerns, and validate her. Pressuring her into a relationship can be confusing and also, you should never have to.
You need to let her heal. In her own time.
Patience. You’ve only known this girl two weeks, and that’s not enough time to make an informed decision. Tell her you’re enjoying her company, and there’s no pressure to get into a serious relationship. Take it one day at a time.
>My sister battled an eating disorder a couple years ago so I have experience with living with someone who has one.
Careful that you don’t slip into the role of “protector”. You may have experience with living with someone with an ED, but that doesn’t mean that hers will manifest the same or that she will respond the same as your sister. She needs to get hers under control first, before allowing someone else into that part of her life. You can express support if you want, but I would personally avoid discussing it unless she brings it up first.
Meet on Wednesday, if she’s interested. In her case it’s a bit tricky because you will probably need to be careful about what activities you do together, especially those that can involve eating or exercising. I’d let her take the lead on this.