Feeling lost and hurt. Me and my girlfriend have been together for 6 years and we started talking about marriage. She started feeling really guilty and self admitted to me that she had cheated on me twice very early in our relationship. Apparently with this guy she had met a couple months before she met me. They were basically hooking up quite often but were never dating. She didn’t even like him that much but she kept on going back to him because he was her first when it came to sex and she had a connection with him that looking back she says was very unhealthy. After the 2nd time she cheated she felt really bad about what she was doing and ended it with him and blocked him. She never told me back then because she really liked me and couldn’t bear to lose me. I am truly hurt by this. We have been together for such a long time and have loved each other very much. My friends tell me this isn’t even that big of a deal but I’m having a very hard time letting it go and forgiving her. I truly don’t want to end it with her over this but It’s been 3 weeks since she told me and I still can’t let it go. It’s starting to really negatively affect of relationship and have even talked about breaking up. Any advice on how I can forgive her and let this go? Or maybe I should end it with her?
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It’s going to take a lot longer than 3 weeks for you to mourn the relationship you thought you had with the person you thought she was.
What you’re facing now is an entirely new relationship with an entirely new person. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is **A** thing. That takes time.
Who is this new person?
What is this new relationship?
Why is she feeling guilty all of a sudden? Is the dude back in the picture now?
There is no advice that can magically make you forgive her or forget it. Tbh this is something you need to think of and decide for yourself but should thank her for telling you. At least she didn’t wait until you were married.
The trust of the last 6 years was essentially shattered. You’re back to square 1 because the rug was pulled under you. It’s okay to feel as if your relationship was based on a lie. Now, as for how to deal. Obviously you should be aware marriage is off the table for the next couple of years (indefinitely) until you’re sure.
I strongly recommend you get some space from her. No. I dont mean a break. I mean, ask her for some space while you think if this is something you could or want to get over.
Then going forward you can refocus on building trust back up if needed.
No one can tell you what to do. It entirely ip to you. It’s your decision on whether to stay or leave. It your life, and you have to do what is best for you and makes you happy.
The only thing that can be said is that to get over it will take longer than 3 weeks. Whether you stay or leave, it will take time to heal. You were betrayed by someone you trusted completely. That can take months or years to repair. And she needs to do her part in repairing it as well, if you attempt to stay.
Good luck
For you, the cheating just happened, for her it was years ago
The way I see it your relationship has been constructed on a lie. Only natural that you will feel like that. Not to mention for you it happened just now.
You can’t look at her in the same way again. She took away you liberty of choice, and it took talking about marriage for the guilty to sink in, but she can’t return the 6 years she took from you. Thank her for her honesty and advice her to not start her next relationship with a lie, and get out.
UpdateMe!
Break up with her. It’s not even a question.
You can’t force forgiveness, I’d avoid making any major decisions this soon after finding out. You have a right to feel angry and hurt, just because it happened years back shouldn’t diminish the extent of the betrayal. Props to her for confessing, it should have happened earlier but it’s done. Whatever you do, you should put your plans of marriage on pause.
That feeling you’re having is called betrayal and it will never go away. Sorry man, but ending it is the only way that feeling goes away. Her saying she didn’t even like him but yet keeps fucking him should tell you enough about her. And it is a big deal. Cheaters are the worse.
She had 6 years to tell you, meaning she held a lie for 6 years. That’s a scary person to choose to marry. I would break it off with anyone who claims to love me but lies to me for so long.
Ask yourself whether you can trust someone capable of lying to your face every day for six years. Ask yourself whether you can ever watch her walk out the door and not wonder whether she’s going to go meet someone else. Betrayal this deep is almost impossible to recover from, but only you can decide whether it’s worth the toll it’s going to take on you.
She’s a cheater. You’ll never forget that. 😞
A very similar situation to this caused me depression when I stayed. I lost all respect for myself for not doing what I knew was right. I lost respect for her for cheating with an ex after like 2 weeks of being a couple lol. I legit never viewed her the same again after that. God man, allllll the lies that came with it had me in such a fucked up head space. She gave me fake apologies and tears the first night but months later she admitted it happened more than the one time she confessed to (this confession came years later, I didn’t know at the time. Her ex told me and she denied it for months and months and then he eventually sent undeniable proof and she could no longer lie so she fessed up to the one time he showed me proof of. Not before trying to say he faked the texts with Photoshop lol) that’s when she also admitted she didn’t feel bad about it because we were so new as a couple and she didn’t know if she was making the right decision leaving her ex and then after fucking him a few times she decided I was the one for her, lucky me! 🙄🙄
My dumbass stayed and let my life go to shit for months probably closer to a year before I finally snapped out of it. Don’t be me man. This is very much a deal breaker regardless of anyone saying otherwise. You can end it now and keep your dignity or you can go down the path I went. You’ll message me months/years later saying “you were right, I should’ve listened” I promise.
Sorry this happened man but hey, bright side, at least you know now and can stop wasting time immediately. It’s gonna be hard, trust me, but I highly recommend dealing with the difficulty and ending it immediately. Like tonight if possible. Good luck with everything
Also, I HATE this excuse
>She never told me back then because she really liked me and couldn’t bear to lose me
Like oh wow thanks lmao. You couldn’t bear losing me but could definitely bear fucking some other guy. That’s a classic cheater saying bro. It basically means “man this sucks what can I say to make it sound less selfish and make him feel better about the pain I caused him? Oh! I got it! I’ll say I couldn’t bear losing him. That’ll surely help!”
It’s just such a bullshit thing to say. If she couldn’t bear losing you she wouldn’t have done the universal consensus worst thing to do to someone you’re in a relationship with lol. Lucky her, she gets to fuck other people and keep it from you so she faces no consequences for her actions while simultaneously depriving you an opportunity to make your own judgement after knowing the real her and what she’s capable of. Now you know, and it’s not too late to do what you deserved to have been able to do all that time ago and leave.
I’m sorry for the double comment and long responses. This post struck a nerve with me cus I went through something so similar and it led to some of the worst times of my life and a lot of pain and depression. I truly loved the girl who did it to me and thought she was “the one” for me. I know now she wasn’t and my life has done nothing but improve in every facet since she was no longer in it.
Take the time to grieve the situation…. think about all options and think about everything that was built on top of those lies….
If you do want to work things out, you’re back to square one.
Just because she is loyal now doesn’t mean anything. Her cheating meant she was ok with hurting the person she is dating in general. Now she feels bad because she likes you, but what happens when there’s a dull in your relationship and she doesn’t like you. Will she go out cheating again?
Every time she goes out by herself, answers the phone, does anything, you are going to question it. It’ll take years to get that level of trust back. Until then, you’ll feel like you’re on thin ice. Not worth it.
Info: had you said you were exclusive 8 weeks in?
Whatever you do, do not marry her
It kind of is a big deal, considering you guys have been together for 6 years and she felt so guilty about doing it, that she felt the need to confess to free herself of the guilt. I don’t think time passing just makes things magically okay. It’s all up to you though, I’m not sure getting anyone elses input of this matter helps much. If you are okay with it and can forgive her then that’s that. But if you feel betrayed and can’t get over the infidelity, then you know what you need to do. Im sorry that happened to you. Getting cheated on is a horrible thing, it can destroy your ability to trust people.
If you actually want to continue this, you need to do the following moves
1. Get couples counseling. If she won’t do it, dump her.
2. She needs to re-earn trust with you. If she refuses to re-earn that trust, dump her.
3. She needs to show she honestly regrets what she did, and understand it’ll be something she should always apologize over, even 30 years from now. If she doesn’t/refuses to, dump her.
4. You need to look into her phone and accounts and see whats happened on there. If she won’t let you, or only after she deleted everything, dump her.
5. If she ever, at any point, pulls any crap like “It was six years ago, we need to move on”, or “You should get over it”, or “Stop complaining!”, or another shifting guilt/negativity to you, dump her.
She fucked up bad and she needs to devote herself to saving this relationship. If she won’t: dump her. Just dump her.
Once a cheater…. That’s what I say. Cheating is cheating no matter how long ago. Says a lot about a persons moral compass
Break up
OP whatever you do. Take a weekend for just you and think about it. You’ve been dating a woman that for six years has lied by omission. She has misled you continuously. I want you to consider that during a break. You don’t have to break up with her. But she does have a lot of work to build that trust back. Especially since her whole reason in not telling you were so she can trap you into staying with her.
It’s old news to her. Brand new to you. Go to Surviving infidelity.com it helped me with a cheating wife
Welcome to the land of no trust. Your relationship as you know it is over no matter what you decide to do.
My question is how “early on” in the relationship were y’all? We’re y’all officially exclusive as a couple? Or were y’all in the early stage of dating figuring things out?
If y’all had the discussion and were now exclusive and not dating anyone else I can see the issue. But if you weren’t yet exclusive she didn’t cheat.
So before anyone can give any advice really we need to know what stage in the relationship were y’all and if y’all were exclusive.
She’s had six years to come to terms with what she did. You’ve had three weeks. Of course it’s messing with your head. The question now is if you even want to accept what happened and move on.
Immediately no !
Dump her and move on.
Put it this way. If you knew 6 years ago, would you have stayed? The answer is most probably no.
So by telling you now, she just robbed 6 years of your life. You could have moved on, found a different partner, who knows but that’s an opportunity that’s now been lost. She robbed that opportunity for you to decide 6 years ago if you wanted to still be with her or move on. To me, that is what is most unforgiveable – the loss of your own agency.
You guys were young and it was the first couple of months. It sucks but I wouldn’t throw away six years over just that. You should also realize how much you mean to her for her to feel that she has to be this honest with you. She’s matured and it matters to her. That’s a good sign.
Give yourself some time; for her this happened six years ago, for you it happened yesterday. Don’t let her pressure you for an answer until you’ve figured out how you feel, either. Take as much time as you need.