Last summer I thought my wife of over five years was acting a little funny about a guy she works with. Bringing up his name made her smile and act strange. She had been texting him and bringing our kids to a public place with him and his kids. I got bothered by the meetups so I let her know my feelings about it and it stopped. We try to talk about everything together and try to be very transparent with our feelings about things.

A couple of weeks ago she brought up how she should be able to have guy friends – which she does and I have no problem with. She has other male friends she talks to and I’m okay with it. I felt like this conversation was leading to her seeing this guy again but it was never called out specifically.

This morning she went to that same public space, got ready super early and did her make up and dressed really nice which is not something she normally does when she goes out and does something like this with our kids.

I had a really weird feeling about the whole thing. I pretended like I was going to skip work today and go with them for a family day and she got really freaked out and started saying how I can’t do that.

I felt bad about doing this but we are on the same phone plan so I looked up her phone records and saw that she had been texting this guy…a lot. 30 times in the past week or so and over 100 in the past month. More than 25% of her total texts.

She has made no mention of him, that she has been talking to him or anything. I am 99% sure she went to go meet him and is keeping it a secret. We have been married for over five years and she has never done this sort of thing before, but its leaving me feeling like crap.

26 comments

  2. Time to hire a private investigator. You know what is happening, you just don’t have proof. That’s where the PI come in.

  3. Wow. I hope your intuition is wrong, but it seems like you’re on the right path. I would calmly sit her down and bring up everything you’ve brought up here. Ask about the messages. You know how many there should be, if there are less, that’s a problem. It means she deleted them. Look for continuity in the conversation. If you feel like the conversation doesn’t flow well, there’s probably a missing message or two. Does she have SnapChat or any other anonymous messaging apps on her phone? This is a conversation that could break your marriage even if she’s not cheating.

    I would suggest setting up an appointment for couples counseling before you have this conversation that you can attend afterwards. She’s going to feel ambushed, you may not get the truth but you also need to reassure her (if it’s true) that you want to save the marriage.

    I feel for you.

  4. How old are your kids? Can you ask them in a covert way if he was there or how often they see him?

  6. I’m sorry you are going through this. Nothing sucks worse than the partner and person you should most trust becomes the person you suspect of the worst. It really is likely that it’s either a physical or emotional affair. You are justified divorcing her over either.

    The question is.how much proof and evidence do you need. You have children, you will need a lawyer and counseling for you and your kids’ sake. I would not confront her until you have a plan and make some decisions. You need to make hard choices and they all suck. Good luck.

  8. You can either ask your kids, PI its a option too, you said she’s keeping her cellphone close to you, but sometime she’s gotta sleep, by the way you are talking, your wife is at least in an emotional affair, sorry dude i hope its not, but seens like it.

  9. I’ve heard a lot about an emotional affair on this thread. What is that exactly?

  10. Let her stay comfortable and get a P.I

    I’ve read enough Reddit stories and what she’s doing is honestly a red flag.

    You married her when she was 22 so she might feel like she went into marriage and parenthood too early and didn’t get to live her 20s free of that type of responsibility.

  11. I would just confront and ask her if she is having an affair. If she questions why confront her with the evidence. Texts, dressing up to go to the park. You will be able to see from her body language. Tell her straight if it doesn’t stop now you will divorce her. Don’t let her gaslight you. You need to get tough with this situation.

  12. Even if it’s not an actual affair, she’s lost your trust by lying by omission.

    But the amount she’s texting sounds like an emotional affair.

  15. Yep she’s having at least an emotional affair with the guy. Do you think there’s been a chance or it could be physical? No, not that it really matters.

    I’m sure you can probably find a lot more information on her phone but maybe the next time she’s going to go to the park you skip work like you were going to not say anything and then just show up.

  16. Well you should confront her. Tell her what you know and what you think. Tell her that having guy friends and having more romantic interests are 2 different things. Ask her to see their messages and ask how often do they message each other if she refuses. If she lies, call her out on this.

    Let’s be honest, you need to be ready to just go with divorce if she refuses to cooperate with you and you should make it clear at some point of this conversation. She can have guy friend, but not affairs so she has to cut him off completely or you will divorce.

  17. Yeah, her behavior about him is highly suspicious. Next time, DO skip work and insist on going on the family day with her, while insisting on seeing her phone to read her texts. If she refuses to show you her phone, she’s definitely hiding something big.

  19. Yes, your wife is likely at the very least in an emotional affair. Emotional affair, plus proximity (they can see each other in person) almost always leads to a physical affair as well. If they have not at least kissed, I would be surprised. You need to stop bringing it up, appear normal, but investigate. Do you have a friend who she doesn’t know and recognize? If so, have that person go to one of these meetups and see what she does. If not, perhaps consider a PI if you can afford it.

    Another option is to use a VAR in her car and see if you can catch any phone calls. Just make sure that what you do is legal where you live.

  21. Thats an affair. She is cheating in you. Whether it became physical yet doesn’t matter.

    You created a boundary and she broke it and is covering it up.

    Shes playing “family” with this man AND your kids.

  23. UPDATE
    Okay so a little bit of an update.

    The weirdness continued a little throughout the day. The kids say they met a friend there that they had met in the past but I couldn’t quite get more information from them. They did not say they saw anyone talking to mom but I also did not really ask since she was right there the whole time. She and the kids left to go to the grocery store so I had a little time to post this.

    The weird thing is now she is all over me, in a very unusual way. Totally out of her character. Trying to be extra “sexy” to me, which is like I said not her character.

    I did see that they texted again three times today; her to him; him to her, and her to him again during the time they would have been meeting and leaving.

    I tried my best to act normal but I feel like she can sense I am off. At least I am off by her acting so weird.

    I really do want to say that I appreciate you all commenting here and providing advice. I have no one else to talk to about this. I feel so alone in this all. I just keep praying to God for the strength and wisdom to deal with this and if anyone here would be so kind to pray for me I would appreciate it.

  25. First thing you will want to ask yourself is do you even want to save this marriage? You’re going to find out things you won’t like. How bad exactly, who knows. The thing is though is it worth it to you to basically give her a running start to cover her ass and already make up excuses for why everything she’s doing is “normal” and you’re just being insecure?

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