Relationship pattern/behaviour and anxiety
Hello, reader. This might turn out to be long so please bear with me.
TL;DR – always faced minor relationship anxiety, after break up with highschool sweetheart, anxiety grew and rushed through relationships only to lose one of the most beautiful girl. regardless, we do stay in touch with eachother but this anxiety only increases.
I (21M) dated ‘X’ (20F) for the whole of high school. I grew undeniably close to X to the point that during the end of the relationship, i was emotionally dependent on X. I only realised this after X broke up with me. The break up
was very hard on me, very hard. I couldn’t sleep, i would have constant anxiety attacks, i closed myself off for five months.
It deeply affected me, moreover, ‘X’ had started talking to another individual during our relationship, and they are now together. I’m over ‘X’, there are no emotions as such which affect me towards X or what we had. Wish nothing but the best for X.
But i feel the relationship and the break up has left a great scar on me which is affecting my romantic relationships.
Later, ‘Y’ (21F), the most understanding, beautiful, expressive individual. We had known eachother through mutuals from quite some time but ‘Y’ lives in a different country. There’s a sense of ease, comfort and understanding with ‘Y’. The way ‘Y’ feels for me and expresses, no one can and ever will, im sure. We started dating, everything was fine; any issues, arguments we had, we talked it out. But there was something which did bug our relationship and me in general; to explain it in words – i would start feeling heavy, overwhelmed, i would question our relationship, “what if things don’t work out?”, “what if we there’s no future?”, just a tons of ‘what if’s’. This pattern i have observed after break up with ‘X’. The thing is, ‘Y’ understands everything, Y was never at fault and always listened. But out of anxiety and that “heavy feeling”, i broke up – so that i don’t hurt ‘Y’ anymore. But we did talk it out that in the future, we could address what we have.
Now i have realised that, because of my anxiety and behaviour, i let go of someone who was very close, words aren’t enough to describe how both of us felt for eachother; it was all just in my head. i fucked up. i don’t know what to do and i cannot stop thinking about this. i do miss Y. i believe i should give myself time alone; i have no intention of coming into any relationship, but i do want to address the issues that i have and be able to be a better person first for myself and then think about a relationship with Y, since we are in touch and aware of everything that happened.
Moreover, this post is of my anxious pattern in relationships. Any advice or words would be great.
Thank you for reading, have a nice day!
3 comments
I don’t think there’s much of a pattern here. You broke up with X, presumably because she couldn’t handle your dependency. And you broke up with Y because of your anxiety about your hypothetical future. Unless you were similarly anxious while with X and depending on her so much was a form of dealing with your anxiety (by seeing her as a reliable, *predictable* presence in your life?), there’s not really anything else similar. The common thread is your anxiety, so you know you need to work on that.
I have two pieces of advice. The first is to seek guidance from a therapist if you can. No shame in that – I’m a firm believer that everyone could benefit from some therapy at some point. I think it could help you a lot, both with managing your anxieties in a healthier way, and with learning to recognize some of your dependent behavioural patterns or thoughts.
I mentioned learning to manage your anxieties in a healthier way earlier. I’ve been dealing with some of that myself as well, and in my experience, it’s necessary to implement some reality checks for yourself. You can doubt your way into oblivion, but as you’ve just experienced, when they spiral you may just have created a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s normal to have some doubts, but it’s good to learn to critically assess whether they’re something you have to actually worry about. I’ll mention some of the things I’ve learned in therapy below, but would advice you to do a bit of searching for resources as well (and again, talk to an actual therapist as well if possible, the perspective of a trained outsider can be really helpful when you’re first trying to make a case against yourself).
First of, it’s easy to get stuck in logical phallacies – one that I think I recognize in your post, is the idea that you can predict what Y was feeling and what would hurt them more (and making the decision for them rather than with them, based on these imagined feelings you placed on them). Could they find it difficult? Yes. Could they want to be with you regardless? Also yes. So in the future, whoever that may be with, try not to project your anxieties onto your partner like you’ve done now. You can talk them through if you feel they’re really affecting your relationship, but be open to the idea that your doubts may be unreasonable.
In your case, it’s probably also good to keep the distinction of whether someone finds your (dysfunctional) behaviours frustrating, and how they see you as a person. Criticism of these behaviours* doesn’t insinuate a moral failure of yours – even if someone gets angry or sad about the behaviours, in most cases, it doesn’t mean they suddenly think you’re an inherently bad person. It just insinuates they want you to take their feelings into account, so you can work through things. So take it in, don’t revert to defensiveness, and recognize (and express) why something may have been hurtful. If you feel yourself shooting towards defensiveness/deflection/etc, you can ask them for a set amount of time to reflect on what they said on your own. Take a step back, calm yourself down a little bit, and reflect on the topic once you’ve got a little bit of a clearer head. In this case, be sure you actually reach out to them yourself afterward the time you agreed on – otherwise it just comes across as dismissal. If you get stuck on the details of an argument, I’ve heard that expressing you’re having a hard time keeping an overview of the important parts and asking if they could write the issue down (either on paper, or as an email or something of the sort) could be helpful too. In that way, you can read things back and see the whole thing in perspective, and the other person has some time to think about what they want to say/how they want to say it a little longer too. Not sure if it’s helpful with the things you struggled with, but I figured I’d mention it just in case.
(*side note: I’m not talking about criticism that is expressed solely to talk shit about you – I mean criticism that is expressed as a way to problem-solve)
Back to logical phallacies for a second. From what I read, you might be catastrophizing as well (which, tbf… mood). To manage this in a healthier way, you can start with the following. Once you notice you’re on your way to Doom City(TM) mentally, take a step back, and see what make s you think the situation is gonna end horribly (or whatever doubts you’re having). Then ask yourself questions along these lines: Is there any proof for these things (either for or against)? Have these things actually occurred or been expressed, or are you projecting your anxieties? And lastly – does it really matter that much?
In the case of relationships, yes, some end, for various reasons. Some of them even sooner rather than later. At other times, there’s things either party may need to be willing to work on in order for the relationship to be viable in the long term. But if you both love each other, treat each other with respect, feel happy to be with the other person, and are willing to put in work to get to/keep a healthy dynamic, does it really matter what may or may not happen in the future? After all, you can’t predict the future, no matter how hard you’re trying to get a semblance of control and/or security. You (or your partner) could get a great job offer, you might need to care for a parent, you might get kids, you might find out either one of you is infertile, you might need to deal with medical bills, you name it. A lot can happen that may have an impact on your relationship. But there’s always going to be things we just can’t know for sure until they actually happen. I mean this in the kindest way possible: it’s time to learn to let go of things you cannot control. If something happens, you’ll learn to deal with it then. Sure, you can prepare for a bad scenario, i.e. by making sure you have a support system outside of your partner (which I even recommend when things are going great), but try not to see the uncertainty in itself as the thing that needs to be solved/cured.
You don’t need to be 100% sure of anything you do, you’re allowed to just live. We all figure things out as we go along, and that’s alright. Take care
You’ve already identified what you need to work on and that being in a relationship maybe isn’t the right thing for you right now. Over dependence on someone isn’t healthy for you and is suffocating for the other. The way you described both x and y suggests you fall hard and fast. Therapy would help you address both your anxiety and how to be less dependant. Once you’ve done that work im sure you’ll find someone new who you can have a successful relationship with – someone who knows how to take care of his mental health is a massive plus point on dating