So it looks like someone else made a similar-ish post about a month ago: how_do_you_get_rid_of_sexual_repression_if_you
There’s a number of things on my mind:
– the modern, enlightened, progressive view is supposed to be that sex is just an activity, it’s about pleasure not love/intimacy.
– related, arguments I hear a lot that sex isn’t a big deal, won’t change you; comparing it to something like trying a new food. If that’s the case then the way to get over repression should be to go out and have no-limits sex with a stranger. If you feel violated or afraid that’s just your purity culture talking. (Which raises another question: if sex is just like any other activity, why is rape traumatic? I swear that’s not a troll, in my head it always seemed obviously tied to the inherent physical intimacy of sex)
– if it isn’t clear I can’t really get my head around casual sex. I can’t imagine that women enjoy it and aren’t just white-knuckling the sheets waiting for it to be over, which takes a level of mental discipline I can’t imagine.
I’m probably the only person on earth who doesn’t have sexual trauma. I didn’t grow up in purity culture per se; although there were some of those ideas thrown around in secular form. My earliest exposure to sexuality was horror stories/cautionary tales about assault and abuse. I got past it with exposure to more positive perceptions of sex as loving and intimate. Really now I just tend to not care. Low drive, low desire, sexual fantasies about people almost always tied to some kind of romantic or emotional feelings. But as I think more and more about starting dating I know I’ll have to put out for my partner and even question whether to tell him or not.
3 comments
The modern, enlightened, progressive view of anything is that there is no one way or single right answer. You seem to have confused being sex positive with being hedonistic.
No, the idea that “the modern, enlightened, progressive view is supposed to be that sex is just an activity, it’s about pleasure not love/intimacy” is a 100% fallacy. Sure, some people just want a hook up without feelings. But most people crave love and intimacy and affection and the joy of giving and receiving pleasure with someone they love or at least deeply care about.
When you say, “I know I’ll have to put out for my partner” – that concerns me. First, few people just want to get laid. What most of us want from sex isn’t just an orgasm, we want the beauty and passion and the validation that comes from helping your partner have an amazing experience. If my wife simply “put out” for me, I would hate myself and the marriage. No-one orgasms with every sexual experience – and I’ve had partners who fake it at times – that’s fine. Sometimes just the love and affection that comes with sex is enough. But if my partner never loved sex with me, I would be devastated.
Do woman enjoy it? Many love sex – but by no means all. Don’t assume that women “aren’t just white-knuckling the sheets waiting for it to be over.” That is a completely false statement. But don’t trust me – I’m a guy. Go over to one of the subs for and by women like, /r/TwoXSex, or r/TwoXChromosomes and ask who enjoys sex and who doesn’t and why.
Is sex a big deal? Yes and no. If you have a one-night stand with someone, it may be little more than a fun experience (hopefully fun). It might not be a big deal. But if you have a passionate love life with someone you care about – it is amazing and wonderful and it is critical in cementing relationships.
Let me ask, do you masturbate? Have you ever had an orgasm?
It sounds like you have yet to discover/unlock your sexuality. Some people are simply asexual – but most are not. Many young women have little interest in sex – or even a fear of it until they start exploring their own sexuality or find the right partner.
>the modern, enlightened, progressive view is supposed to be that sex is just an activity, it’s about pleasure not love/intimacy.
There are a lot of things you can fairly say about that view but “enlightened” is not among them.
>sex isn’t a big deal, won’t change you
Hmmm. Maybe you aren’t doing it right. Why would people do it if it were not a big deal? As someone said about golf, the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.
>I can’t imagine that women enjoy it and aren’t just white-knuckling the sheets waiting for it to be over
I *really* think you aren’t doing it right.
>I’m probably the only person on earth who doesn’t have sexual trauma… My earliest exposure to sexuality was horror stories/cautionary tales about assault and abuse.
Sounds traumatic to me.
>sexual fantasies about people almost always tied to some kind of romantic or emotional feelings
Go with those!