Talking at people is not the same as connecting. A lot of people seem to think if they can find a way to talk at someone for a sustained period of time, they will connect. I believe the opposite is the case for most of us on here that struggle to talk socially.
Also many people’s first question is to ask how they can change. But maybe we need to become comfortable in who we are, change nothing about ourselves, other than find ways to build strategies around being exactly who we are. It is about feeling comfortable, not barraging people with our dazzling repartie.
When we feel comfortable, then we have less barriers up, and when we have less barriers up, then people will feel invited to connect with us. So for me the goal is not to change something in my behaviour or learn how to talk at people more, but to feel comfortable.
That requires strategies, what are some of yours that work for you?
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When speaking with others, really listen to what they have to say. A lot of times people tend to focus on what they will say next instead of what others are responding with. I have been guilty of this, especially because I am anxious about messing up or coming across as boring.
I take a mental breath and try to will myself to slow down when engaging with others socially to combat anxiety and from “word vomiting”. Make whoever you are talking the focus and ask them more questions. I try to envision a conversation like a game of ping pong in zero gravity, the rapport goes back and forth fluidly.
As far as barriers go, being too guarded is definitely a vice of mine and makes me come across as cold or mean or unapproachable. I’ve been trying to be more vulnerable in conversations with acquaintances. I recommend reminding yourself that people want to connect and reach out. People have empathy and know we are all human, so automatically thinking they will somehow use personal information to hurt you in the future is paranoia and self defeating (this is my false logic I am overcoming).
You don’t have to disclose every last detail to others, but a good start is to open up, little by little, if the person seems receptive and reciprocates the vulnerability.
Lastly, the being comfortable aspect will come with time, so be kind to yourself as you slowly make progress. This is a kind of exposure therapy and as you engage with others more often, your comfort zone will expand and this kind of interaction will get easier. I wish us both the patience and the self-compassion needed on this self improvement journey.