TLDR: I am lost in thoughts about whether I should break up with my girlfriend that I still love and that still loves me for lack of general life compatibility.
My girlfriend (F27) and I (M28) know each other for about five years now. After we met we quickly became beste friends. During Covid lockdowns we came closer and closer until we fell in love with each other.
That was roughly two years ago.
The first year was like a movie. Everything that was great already in our friendship before like having lots of little adventures in everyday life, laughing a lot together, enjoying good food etc. intensified with the butterflies of a new love. For both of us it was actually the first time committing to a serious relationship and I really enoyed this – for the lack of better words – feeling of belonging. Having a person that feels like home. Building trust and allow yourself to be vunerable. We soon got to know each others parents which was great because everbody came along so great with everboy; her parents like me, I like hers, mine like her and she likes mine. Spending Christmas etc. together is fun.
And then things started to change. I don‘t know when exactly. I don‘t know in which way first. But they did.
Once the early on butterflies faded and reality and everyday life came back and lost there pink tint we looked out into the future togehter. We both want children and my girlfriend clearly stated that she wishes for a future with me. But other than the children we were not to close in our visions, neither in near not in far future.
We have different approaches towards life and what we want/expect from it. I personally think of life like a big canvas where everything is possible. She loves to just live in the moment, not plan too far. I always dreamed of working from abroad for some time, maybe emigrate at some point for some time. Apart from a three weeks workation she really does not like that thought and she never ever under any circumstances wants to emigrate for a couple of years.
These are the hard facts which seem like a major obstacle but could possibly be overcome with open conversations and future planning.
Beside those hard facts the changes in our everyday life are what made me question everything. We mostly do the same stuff all the time. We also did the same stuff a lot before but it was way more fun and adventurous for some reason. We have lots of little fights, in some of them she becomes intentionally hurtful (for which she apologizes later). It‘s like a vicious circle because we both seem to become more and more easily offended or over sensitive by all those little fights so it seems to happen more and more often. This happens in phases though, sometimes evertyhing is fine and we have wonderful time again for two months and then it‘s two or three bad weeks again.
This might sound far-fetched but I feel like the reason for the fights is that deep down somewhere we both know it won‘t, it can‘t work out for us. Our idea of how to life our life is just to different.
And this leads me to my current state. I am absolutely miserable. For weeks, month now I have this in my head. Questions circulating, discunssing with myself whether we have a future, whether to break up. I want to explore the world, ideally with somebody on my side that I love. But I also don‘t want to lose her. Not as a partner but most definitely not as a friend. I am afraid I will regret not being true to myself, look back in 20 years and did not do what I dreamed of. I also am afraid to lose this love. I never had something like that before and therefore can not judge how special it is. I am afraid of the feeling in my gut, a little tiny voice saying it is inevitable. I am afraid of being alone after that. Alone because I just lost the person I would normally talk to about something like this before.
Thanks to anybody who took time to read until here, I appreaciate it.
Was anybody in this situation before or has some advice?
In case it culturally matters, we live in Germany.
3 comments
Based on your situation, I think the best course of action would be to go on a spiritual journey together to find clarity and guidance. This journey can take many forms, but I would recommend that you both take a trip to a remote location in nature and spend a few days there without any distractions. You can use this time to meditate, reflect on your relationship, and connect with the natural world.
While on this journey, you can also seek guidance from spiritual leaders, shamans, or other wise individuals who may be able to offer insights into your relationship and help you find the path forward. You can also participate in spiritual rituals or practices that may help you gain a deeper understanding of your relationship and your place in the world.
I know this may sound absurd, but sometimes the answers we seek can only be found through unconventional means. By embarking on this spiritual journey together, you may find the clarity and guidance you need to make the right decisions about your relationship
> I also am afraid to lose this love
dont, theres plenty of people out there.
If emigrating is something that is really important to you – to the point of it being a dealbreaker – this is really something that you should mention to people upfront before dating them. I’m just picking this number of of thin air (and maybe it’s a little different in Europe since the countries are so close) – but I am going to say that 90% of people are not going to be ok with that. Most people don’t have that as a goal to move far away from their friends and family, especially to a place that does not speak their mother tongue. And especially at an age when they are starting to think of having children. Usually they would want a support system around.
I’m not so sure that this is a compatibility thing in this particular relationship so much as maybe you are wondering if you are ready for a relationship at all.
As far as the fights – yeah – that would make sense if she feels like you are pulling away. The fights are not good. Intentionally hurting you is never ok. To me, this is the biggest red flag related to this particular relationship.
Most people do basically the same things and lose butterflies after a while. To me, this is a normal “feature” of long term relationships. You exchange the excitement and butterflies for something deeper and more meaningful.
To me, most of this post sounds like you are questioning whether you want to be in a relationship at all as opposed to compatibility with this particular person.
I don’t think we can answer whether you will be happier following your dream or whether you will come to regret it. That is something you will need to work out for yourself. But… the above is what I see in terms of your current situation.