I (19M) am dating my girlfriend (18M) for about two years now. We usually used to have sex on a regular basis (3-5 times a week) but recently it had slowed down. For context, my girlfriend has some mental health issues which has stopped her in the past and definitely lowered her sex drive. (not her fault, just for context) Whenever I do mention sex to her, she seems very unenthusiastic about it or just says no. Due to my high sex drive, it is usually me bringing up the idea first. We are very communicative when it comes to this type of stuff, but i feel bad bringing it up all the time. I’m trying to find ways to introduce it more and to make her want to have sex and even be the one to bring the idea up first, but it seems like i’ve hit a roadblock. Any tips?
3 comments
What is her stated reason for being unenthusiastic about having sex with you?
Are her mental health issues being addressed? Is maintaining her romantic and sexual relationship with you a priority at all in managing her mental health?
This is very common. A couple of things:
1) As her mental health gets better, he sexual drive has a potential to increase
2) Outside of the bedroom explain how sex makes you feel. Make sex not about sex, but make it about love, commitment, how you feel cherished etc. Lots of time one partner won’t really understand that the other partner experiences validation, security, safety, connection during physical intimacy, Because they will feel it during different acts. Make sex not about sex, but about love, and it can change quite quickly
3) Schedule intimacy (seems “boring”) but can be a great way to develop a routine. And non-spontaneous sex can be just as fun
4) Learn how to fill her love tank. Its sounds like sex isn’t what motivates her, and that is cool. Likely other acts will make her more likely to engage. Sometimes its words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, or acts of service (or physical touch, which is likely yours)
5) It is also common for one partner to not be interested in sex without some fluffing. Sometimes you can try making out, massage, etc first. You don’t want to be coercive and force someone into it. But sometimes someone needs more than just asking to get into it. Consider trying a couple of times with foreplay first. And then if she isn’t into it, you stop. But often once the “engine” starts it really gets revving.
I struggle with my mental health as well. My partner had a very high sex drive. One thing I always wished he would have done was just hold me on the days I don’t feel like engaging in sex. Touch and love on her in non sexual ways on her hard days. That just might make her feel comforted and she’ll hopefully feel like you love her no matter what and maybe she’ll be more receptive to having sex.