Had (25f) an emotional affair on my boyfriend (27m). I feel guilty and horrible for my terrible decisions. I completely understand how he feels. I betrayed, lied, and treated him poorly as a partner. I was selfish with my choices only to regret risking everything I once had for something that doesn’t mean anything to me. I did it for the feeling of “thrill” and “excitement” and am ashamed that I didn’t think I could get that from my partner during that time. He’s amazing, how could someone cheat in a happy relationship? I never wanted to leave him, I used a perception that I had created from our past as an excuse. I stupidly looked over our relationship as a whole. I want to take accountability for being a shitty human being. He deserves better and the way I am feeling about it now is what I should have thought about before the EA. If anyone ever has any doubts about their relationship or is “curious” about others while in one. DO NOT CHEAT. It is not worth it. I hate myself everyday. Still not sure where we stand but I am giving him time and patience and hope that we can work though the destructive pain I have caused. I know that even if there is reconciliation there will always be lingering thoughts of “what if this happens again”, “did she tell me the whole truth”, “how can I ever move on”. My selfishness caused immense pain, hurting him hurts me. I caused a whole relationship to be second guessed for a couple minutes of “fun”. I love him deeply but you don’t cheat on someone you say you love. I know deep down this isn’t who I am nor want to be. I want to give him space so he can think about things but I don’t want him to feel as though I am giving up on us (the irony of cheating) the other part of me wants to be with him every second so that he knows I’m there to support him and will talk about it and acknowledge what I have done. What is the best approach??
TL;DR:
I had an emotional affair on my boyfriend. I deeply regret it. Every cheater says that after getting caught but I have never felt this type of pain and remorse before. I have read articles and watched videos on infidelity, the trauma it causes for the betrayer and most importantly the betrayed. I am still working on the “why” I did it. At first I thought I didn’t know but there is always a reason for why you choose to do something. I’m not sure if I should be asking for advice as I feel like I am undeserving for how to move on.
7 comments
A lesson for next time
Pay up for some good therapy sessions. Give your bf space. Accept the break-up if/when it happens.
Talk is cheap. You can tell us (and him, and *yourself*) how much you regret what you did, but if you don’t back up all of those words with actions, then they’re just so much wasted breath.
What you do now is you act with absolute integrity and trustworthiness. You accept whatever space and time he needs to wrap his head around this. You accept it if he decides that he cannot wrap his head around it and wants to end the relationship. You accept any conditions he places on you for continuing the relationship (access to your phone or chat accounts…*anything* he asks for), or (if you are unwilling to do that) you accept that the deal is broken.
The best approach is to tell him what you have done, *all* of it. You own the fact that you *chose* to do it, and don’t make any excuses about why. You accept 100% responsibility for your actions and choices. You tell him that you want to make it right, and that you are willing to do whatever it takes in order for him to come to trust you again.
Then you follow through with that: you show *patience* (because it’s not *your* timetable he has to heal his feelings on, it’s his own). You show *humility* (by not acting as if you are entitled to *anything* from him). You show *respect* (by acting and doing *nothing* that could lead him to conclude that you are being dishonest in any way).
As for this:
> I am still working on the “why” I did it. At first I thought I didn’t know but there is always a reason for why you choose to do something.
Yes. There is always a reason. The superficial answer to that question is “you did it because you *wanted* to”.
The slightly deeper answer to it is “there was a need inside of you that you believed could not be met within the bounds of your relationship, and so you stepped out of those bounds in order to fulfill that need”.
What that need was, and how to fulfill it in the future *without* stepping outside of your promises and covenants…that’s the part you have to figure out for yourself.
One way to figure that out is to play the “why” game with yourself.
Start with a question you know the answer to (and I’m making these answers up to illustrate the technique, so don’t put any weight on the answers I am putting here; you have to answer these for yourself):
Ask yourself: “Why did I cheat on my boyfriend?”
And then answer what you know: “I did it for the feeling of thrill and excitement that I could get from it”.
And then begin to drill down, by asking “why” again to each answer: “Yes, but *why* did I need that feeling of thrill and excitement?”
Answer: “Because I was not getting those things from him.”
“Yes, but *why* wasn’t I getting those things from him?”
“Because our relationship is in a rut.”
“Yes, but *why* was it in a rut?”
“Because I was taking it for granted.”
“Yes, but *why* was I taking it for granted?”
…and just continue the “why” questions until you find a fundamental underlying reason about which there is no explanation, because it’s simply a fact either about you, or about him, or about the relationship itself.
You’re right to give him space, and also let him know that you’re there for him whenever he wants to talk. Ask if he’d like you to reach out to him and if there are specific ways he wants support.
Next steps for you: figuring out what led you to make the choices you made, and how you can make different choices next time. The larger “why” may be important, if there is one. But also, the big changes are often less important than the smaller ones. What was the first time you did something that you knew your boyfriend might not be comfortable with? What were you feeling before you did it? As you were doing it? How did you justify it to yourself?
Keep asking yourself those questions about each subsequent step of the emotional affair. The idea is to identify which emotions and circumstances led to which choices, so that you can figure out what, specifically, you can do differently next time you’re feeling tempted. It’s a lot easier to stop an affair before it starts once you know what the signs are and can have an action plan in place for yourself.
My girlfriend did this to me two months ago. I found out myself, but she came clean afterwards. I saw all the messages and she even downloaded her Snapchat data to let me see. I later discovered lot of things that hurt me which I didn’t know of, but those things were not really cheating. However this episode was a huge break of my trust.
Now, two months later, I feel like I can trust her again. This is because I understand what drove her to that extreme. I had not cared about her for months prior to her texting another guy. I took her for granted and it felt like we were just friends. She went through a lot by herself, as she didn’t feel like she could communicate with me. When this guy came in the picture, he just made her feel good at the moment. It was only for a couple days.
It seems like you came clean to him? That should count for something. Also – do what you can to be transparent – and please, try to give him a reason as to why you did it. Show him everything and be honest no matter how many times you have to tell him the same things over and over. Show him love and let him know that you are truly sorry.
Time will show whether or not I did the right thing.
Well, if you can’t answer the “why”, why would he think you could prevent it from happening again. I’d give him space, and in the meantime continue work on “why”, and come up with some ideas on how, if you find yourself leading down that road again, you can put a stop to it. This might give you a better chance of having your next conversation go well if he decides to try to reconcile.
Did he catch you or did you confess? Did you try to trickle truth him or gaslight him on DDAY or leading up to it? Did you badmouth him to friends or the AP? This will factor into how much trust has been damaged. If he doesn’t have all the facts, write out a timeline. Don’t leave out any shitty things you may have done during the affair. If he finds out later, it will set trust waaay back.
We all make mistakes . I’ve cheated before and you’re right it feels like shit. Instant regret. It does create lots of pain. I still feel guilt about it and this incident was years ago. I ended up telling on myself two days after because I couldn’t live with the lie. I did lots of soul searching on why I did it. I ended up realizing it was a combination of two things. One being how I’ve always used sex as a coping mechanism like an alcoholic uses booze to get by. I developed this trait as a kid which allowed me to go inside my head to escape. It’s a mechanism I kept using right into my adult life. When things got tough I needed that dopamine rush.
So yeah you should figure out what made you do it. What I can tell you , if your bf forgives you it will take a long time to earn the trust back. Some people aren’t able to move past it , others are. Just make your case and put it in his hands. See what happens. Either way you learn a valuable lesson to carry forward.