I (40F) have been married to my spouse (40M) for over 20 years. We come from a very hyper-religious background which I no longer participate in at all. He, on the other hand, is still very involved in the church, but the current one is not nearly as strict and cult-y as the ones from the past. Anyway, the religion was super patriarchal and so I was taught to “submit” from the beginning. That being said, I have always carried a lot of the financial, intellectual, and emotional load for the family. I just needed to make him feel like he was in charge even though I was running the show. Well, after years of that and the fact that I no longer subscribe to those religious ideals, I feel very emotionally disconnected and like we have nothing in common and he doesn’t know me. I am still fulfilling a lot of my “wifely duties” but there is no intimacy. In fact, I almost solely focus on his needs, but I have a mental, physical, and emotional block when it comes to “receiving” from him. It’s as if I’m withholding my pleasure from him. I’ve had discussions with him about the fact that I feel disconnected and even that I need to be stimulated mentally and physically to “receive” but it’s still business as usual. But I think he lacks the emotional intelligence or curiosity to tap into my mind and emotions and needs. So in the meantime, it’s business as usual. I never denied him sex. I even do all the things and make it good for him. But I can’t bring myself to let him return the favor, which is usually just him asking if I want certain things done to me and I usually decline because physically I’m as cold as ice and not aroused in the least. But also, disconnected emotionally. Has anyone else experienced this?
TLDR: I’m emotionally disconnected from husband and have no problem having sex or performing sex acts on him but I refuse to have an orgasm with him (but he’s also not trying that hard to give them, either).
9 comments
This sounds like a very unfulfilling marriage
You would benefit from therapy. I went to Catholic school and had to work through some mental hang ups. I did this all through college, before I got married……. But finding a secular therapist to do sessions with you alone can help you voice your concerns with your husband. Or at least assess the situation.
I grew up in a family with the “women don’t masturbate, women don’t watch porn, women don’t want or enjoy sex” mentality. But my libido was high enough to override my upbringing. What is it that you need during sex that he isn’t giving you? It sounds like he’s willing to experiment, he just doesn’t know what you need. I’m the opposite of you, I need the sexual component to feel the emotional component. I don’t know, getting an orgasm at the hands of my husband has always gone a long way for me, but it sounds like you need him to pick up the slack around the house too? I know it’s just more mental labor for you, but he thinks things have been fine all along and now you aren’t happy when nothing has changed, you probably are going to have to hold his hand through these changes.
oh boy…. religious trauma is strong here… its going to take a lot of work with you and him to learn to be equals… brother and sister equal. God doesn’t love one of you more or less than the other but differently as many parents tell their kids because each kid has their own differences and needs. I would encourage you to see a therapist to help you work through some of these mental blocks because how deep rooted they are. Its not going to be a race to heal but its a marathon and you might poop yourself on the way.
I guess some questions for you would be how willing is your husband going to be to see himself has your equal and how much change is he going to accept and will he want to stay married to you even through all the changes?
Your trauma runs deeper then BP oil rigs and so its going to take a long time to work through them and for you to figure out who you are and what is your faith at the end of this.
There are some amazing books and games you and your husband can do an play to help grow the intimacy in the relationship. I would highly encourage you to get the app Card Decks by Gottman, should be free on the app store. Its a game/app that gives you questions to ask your partner and/or your partner to ask you about you or your past or feeling or sexual stuff. Intimacy is really mental connection then physical connection (love theory). Also if you get into a better place personally I recommend checking out 7 Principles to Making Marriage Work, its a great book/workbook for you two to learn some new tools and maybe sharpen some old ones.
Yeah you are going down a scary path because its your path… but I bet you will come out happier and healthier and if you do it with your partner, even in a stronger marriage.
Do you have date nights?
You sound like you could use The Great Sex Rescue. It’s written from a Christian perspective so it should be helpful to someone with your background. I will say though personally, you should not put up with any of this. Your husband sees you as an object and he’s okay with what is essentially marital rape. To me that is completely morally abhorrent and I too would lose sexual attraction to a person whose moral compass I thought was off.
Wow … I have this sense that my wife is going through something similar (except I was the one with the deeply religious past haha).
We’ve worked through some challenging times over the past few years that have been really tough for both of us, and so I feel like we’re kind of in the same spot.
I have been trying to figure this out and improve and connect, but a lot of the time it feels like I’m missing something.
So obviously I don’t have a lot of advice to give, but I would love to hear more about what you feel like you’d need from him to mend things and get there?
It’s a form of disassociating. It’s best to just take sex off the table for now. Maybe try cuddling or touching doing whatever, but not allowing sex to follow. It takes a lot of pressure off, and helps your mind learn to focus on things that are pleasurable with out the “event” at the end feeling disconnected and weird and further pushing yourself into the pit of self doubt and blame.
Communicate your thoughts and feelings, try therapy, and I liked this book called “Come as You Are” by Dr Emily Nagoski. It helped me feel a lot less alone in the struggles I was experiencing.
Sounds like a lot of unresolved issues, hurts and resentments. Do you want it to change?