My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and she comes from a huge family. She has 6 siblings and 14 cousins and her family is extremely close. I was raised by a single mother and only have my sister, grandparents, and an uncle as family. Family is a big thing for her and recently she has been pushing me to rekindle my relationship with my father. My father was an alcoholic who would beat me and my sister. He was arrested when I was 9 years old for driving drunk while I was in the car with him. I have only seen him twice since and I had to help my mom raise my sister (20). The last time I saw him was in 2014 when I needed him to sign my passport and he was in really bad shape. I have not seen him since as I have no idea where he even is currently.
I still hold resentment towards him and I do not have any reason to see him. My sister was really affected by his actions and seeing the pain he caused her made me never want to see him again. My girlfriend wants me to see him to make amends and forgive him but I am not ready to even entertain that idea. She brings it up twice a week and I have been respectful for the past two months but I am beginning to feel annoyance every time she mentions it. She does not see that every family is different and sometimes it is better not to open old wounds. I have not forgiven my father for his actions but I have reached the point where I am not affected by him and her constantly bringing him up is bringing back old memories. Trying to track him down to see if he’s still alive would be too much of a hassle for me. She thinks I should know if he is alive or not but I have no reason to know that information.
How can I stop this conversation from continuing because we are beginning to repeat ourselves and it is not doing any of us any good. We get along very well and have communicated well throughout our relationship so far but this is something I am having trouble with.
TD;LR: My girlfriend wants me to rekindle my relationship with my father but I declined. She has not given up on the conversation but it is beginning to get on my nerves.
7 comments
Why does she think that her opinion on this outweighs yours?
She’s got a rather innocent perspective of the world and relationships, perhaps.
Tell her that this is not negotiable, you do not invite abusers into your life, and she has to respect your boundary.
Use language she understands.
If she persists, you will have to decide whether to call in her family, your family, a therapist, or a break, as the next steps.
It can be difficult for people from healthy families to understand what childhood abuse feels like. However, she is being disrespectful at this point by continuing to bring this up after you have shut it down over and over. I would give her one opportunity to stop this behavior.
“[Girlfriend], I understand you’re trying to be helpful, but I need you to understand that my father was not a loving dad and never will be. He was extremely abusive to me and every time you bring him up it reminds me of the abuse. I am never going to have a relationship with him for my own mental health and I need you to respect that and stop bringing it up because at this point it’s hurtful and feels like you’re not listening to me.”
If she brings it up again, I *might* give her ONE warning: “I’ve told you how I feel about this. If you mention my dad to me again or push for me to contact him, I will end the relationship. I need you to understand how serious about this I am.”
This is a respect issue. She needs to respect that your relationships are yours and it’s not her place to force you to interact with your abuser.
Anytime she brings it up. Tell her to drop it. Say nothing other than telling her to drop it.
Your girlfriend is in the wrong – she’s got zero business telling you what you should do regarding your relationship with your father – especially if she knows the history.
Shut it down. Tell her that this is a boundary she can’t cross. You have your reasons for your decision and she needs to respect that choice just the same as she’d want hers respected.
She probably doesn’t like it that you don’t speak with your father due to how she was raised/ how her family is, but this does not negate your own judgement and experience. Tell her that if your explanations haven’t helped her understand, you’re done talking about it and that you have your own reasons for what you decide, end of discussion.
It sounds like you’ve been respectful of her… and that’s a one way street. Her persistence on this is how you can tell she doesn’t respect you.
Describe more in detail how your father treated you and what he did to you. And then talk about how he made you feel growing up. Maybe you haven’t shared the worst of it, but she needs to truly understand. I went thru the same thing with my bf… he really couldn’t comprehend why I didn’t want to see my family, because he was so close to his.