Hi,
So I’m on vacation right now with my boyfriend (3 years dating), my friend and her boyfriend (4 years dating).
When we first made the trip my boyfriend and my friend weren’t really close at all – they didn’t talk or hang out or anything. But that’s all changed now while on our trip.
My boyfriend is a very adventurous guy – he loves hiking, surfing, anything outdoorsy, and he also likes partying. I’m very much the opposite. I like quiet and peaceful. We have a good system in place – we don’t really do much of each others hobbies’ except on the odd occasion because we plan things together.
Now we’re on vacation and I’ve noticed that everyday him and my friend are doing more things together. She’s very adventurous like him and they spend all day together. I don’t think anything has happened between them, but I feel like there is some tension building between the two. They have started standing next to each other more often (It’ll be them on the inside, with her bf and me on the outside if that makes sense). They are on the cusp of flirting more now (Nothing overt, but overly friendly with one another), and I think I’m catching him look at her more often.
Where is her boyfriend you might ask? He’s more like me. He just wants to sit around, do nothing, and relax. He’s content hanging out in his own world while she’s off exploring. We usually just sit around together and enjoy the weather. I don’t think he’s really noticed anything, or maybe he’s just ignoring it?
I’m really afraid I’m going to lose my boyfriend, this vacation was a bad idea. What should I do?
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**tl;dr**: Boyfriend and friend have hit it off together on vacation. They have way more in common, are doing things together everyday, and look like they are falling for each other. What should I do?
25 comments
Maybe they are just getting along and becoming better friends. It feels like a pretty big leap to think that they are falling in love, rather than just having some fun as friends on vacation.
Communicate with your boyfriend about your insecurities that have arose from seeing them get along so well, but don’t accuse him of anything because they’ve done nothing wrong. Chances are your insecurities about them sharing hobbies are making you feel like there’s something going on that really isn’t, and it’s just a friendship blooming between them, nothing more.
Don’t panic just yet, OP.
I completely understand your fears as I would feel the exact same way. I’ve definitely had guys forget about me once they meet my friend, too (she’s a lot skinnier, prettier, bubblier, more extroverted, and spontaneous/adventurous than I am).
In the absolute worst case scenario, he likes her and they decide to be together. If that happens, you will feel heartbroken, insecure, and rejected. You may also be a bit traumatised and need some time to be able to trust again. But you will survive, you will get through it, and you will eventually meet someone who appreciates you for what you are.
BUT – that is extremely unlikely. I dont think he even realises what he’s doing. When jealousy gets a grip on us, it’s easy to view things in a very distorted way, and everything will look like he’s in love with her, even if he’s not.
The first thing you need to do is talk to your boyfriend. I mean, I get it, you may not want to seem jealous. But the fact is, you DO feel jealous, and if you don’t talk, this is gonna eat you alive until you explode and do something you regret (especially if you’re likely to get drunk any time soon). Its better to just have a calm conversation.
You may not be outdoorsy and adventurous. But you’re kind, loyal, caring, and I imagine good wife material. You’re worth a lot. Remember that.
This just sounds like they’re friends? Is that not what friends do? If he didn’t want to be with you, he wouldn’t be. Often too, people don’t want to date someone exactly like themselves, they like partners who balance them out. Enjoy your vacation and don’t worry about nothing. If your trust your boyfriend and he loves you, you have nothing to worry about.
This feels like a season of White Lotus. I don’t know how good your communication skills are, but you should talk with him. If y’all have a strong foundation of trust then a quick convo should fix things. You could also step a bit out of your comfort zone and join him on these excursions for the rest of the vacation.
To me, it sounds like they both are enjoying time with another adventurous person, while you and her boyfriend are spending time chilling. I also am more adventurous and when on vacation with my cousin and her husband, I and her husband would do the hiking together, but it wasn’t because we were falling in love… we both just liked to be more active. Does her boyfriend seem bothered? Try communicating with your own boyfriend about how you’re feeling, im sure it’s just that he wants to be out doing things and your friend feels the same
This sounds like you being insecure. They like similar things and are becoming friends. You could go on adventures with them.
…or maybe they’re just friends? “Spending time together on a vacation” and “participating in shared hobbies together” don’t really sound like falling for each other.
Are you not doing the exact same thing with your friend’s boyfriend when you “sit around and enjoy the weather” alone together? When you take two adventurous people and two homebodies on a vacation, it’s only natural that the people with the same preferred relaxation style will gravitate towards each other. Don’t ruin your relationship or friendship with jealousy.
Make a joke about swinging to test the waters. /S
Honestly, it just feels like they are friends at the moment. I don’t think you should stress or read too much into things.
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>They have started standing next to each other more often
This to me is one of those things where you get yourself worked up over nothing and read too much into it. People who are more comfortable with each other, like friends, would also do this.
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>Where is her boyfriend you might ask? He’s more like me. He just wants to sit around, do nothing, and relax. He’s content hanging out in his own world while she’s off exploring. We usually just sit around together and enjoy the weather.
So is your boyfriend at risk of losing you to this guy who is spending the entire day with you? Are you and this other boyfriend building sexual tension between each other, or beginning to flirt more often?
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I think you should view the current situation as a win-win. Your boyfriend gets to do what he wants to do and doesn’t have to do it alone and you do the same. That’s awesome. No one needs to feel obligated to do something they don’t want to do.
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Hopefully, this helps settle your nerves, but I still think it’s important to have a conversation with your boyfriend and let him know how you are feeling. Not that you assume anything is going on or that he’s flirting, just say you know it’s silly, but you’ve started feeling insecure and ask he be more sensitive to that.
Beyond that, I think if you are on vacation with other people, you still need time to have a vacation just for yourselves. That means setting aside time for just you and him. Maybe you go out to dinner or a club together, or you go get breakfast or workout in the morning. Maybe you both spend a day at the beach doing waht you want and do hiking or horseback riding for him. Maybe you take an entire day to yourselves. Find what works for you and have some time separate from the group. It’ll be great for bringing you closer together and help ease your concerns.
“We usually just sit around together and enjoy the weather”. OP how is this situation any different? You don’t seem scared of falling for this guy. Why can’t it be the same for your bf?
Sounds like a movie plot. Talk about it. And assess whether your relationship makes sense given the lack of shared interests
Obviously if it’s flirty and there’s tension building, this doesn’t apply. But to give you another angle on this – my husband and I are close friends with another couple and go on holidays together, do NYE together, etc. The woman in the other couple is actually my husband’s ex and we met her boyfriend through her.
I get along really well with her bf – we have a tonne in common with temperament and interests, to a point where it’s actually a bit weird and he’s absolutely one of my fave people. My husband has a lot in common with his ex/now really close friend so we often break into a 2 and a 2 for some things and hang out with a 4 for others. It’s just nice. There’s no undercurrent, nothing sinister or secret, just 4 people who get along in different configurations. If you’re not into outdoorsy stuff and they are, isn’t it good your bf can do that with someone on holiday and then come home and tell you guys about what they got up to over dinner?
It sounds like the same thing that’s happening with your boyfriend and friend is going on with you and the friends boyfriend, which is simply everyone doing what they wanna do. Are you and the boyfriend flirting? My guess is no.
This happened to me too. I tried communicating it when I’d first noticed how close they were becoming, and everyone just said I was crazy. It’s been a few years now since I walked in on them in bed together. Last I heard they were doing great and getting engaged. Anyway, in my personal experience it’s never a bad idea to trust your gut!
I have a bit of a different perspective on this. Everyone telling you to relax and chill out, great advice. But also follow your gut. Women have great intuition and if you feel like something is off you’re probably right. Don’t just stuff that down. Good luck!
Chances are that you and your boyfriend know each other pretty well after being together three years. You’ve each chosen to continue being together, knowing the differences in your personalities. Perhaps he’s simply taking advantage of having another adventure seeking partner available and there’s nothing more. In the meantime, it would be nice if you could also enjoy yourself on this trip! Think about what YOU would like to do and make sure to do those things. These may be things that your partner also wants to participate in, or not, and that’s okay too. See if you can redirect some of your energy towards taking care of your own physical, emotional, spiritual needs while on this lovely vacation!
Ultimately, if he and your friend turn out to be more than friends, then you will each move forward accordingly. In the meantime, try not to make assumptions or mind read, that’s too stressful and you deserve to have fun on this trip too!
I think you meed to actually wait until after the vacation to assess. We’re not stupid– we see when chemistry is building even if the other people don’t or deny it. Sometimes THEY might not see it. I would not alert them to the fact it is there if they haven’t become very overtly transgressive. If you bring this up on the vacation, you will be gaslit or accused of ruining the vacation because everyone will be walking on eggshells for the rest of it. It may just be “It’s a vacation, people are cutting loose and don’t care, etc” and then when you return to the real world, people have no reason to interact.
What I would be careful of is what happens AFTER the vacation. If they’re suddenly exchanging numbers or texting a lot and commenting/following on social media, that’s when you have to intervene. If either one of them is set on this happening, they are shitty people because they know it will be cheating and a friend betrayal, but they will find a way for it to go forward anyway. So it is almost like your hands are tied until you see what happens after the vacation.
Hopefully nothing will and they are being friendly. I would be more suspicious of your chick friend because if he’s putting vibes at her, SHE needs to shut that crap down if she’s loyal to you.
Honestly, it could be that he found someone who he can do these adventurous things with because he knows you aren’t sitting alone waiting for him…you have her bf that’s the same mentality.
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I personally have a friend I call my “adventure buddy” and we do all of the crazy activities that her husband isn’t interested at all in. He loves that he can chill by the pool with a cocktail while we’re out doing some hiking adventure.
But…Have you, like, actually spoken to him at all about this? Three years together and you should hopefully be comfortable communicating with him your concerns…
See me, I’m upfront with my jealousy. If I see something I don’t like, I’m going to say something. I would tell him that I noticed what is going on and ask him why hes talking to her and hanging out with her more often. Also, do the same thing back to her and talk to her man too! See how she feels if you’re always with her boyfriend. Tell her to back off too, you have to be honest you know? She’s not dumb she knows what she is doing lol.
Opposites attract more often than not! He likes going on adventures and she’s down to join, but that doesn’t mean he has any romantic interest at all. He’s probably just stoked to have made a new connection.
Just switch partners then! Sounds like it’s a better fit!
Ok, joking aside, it sounds like they’ve gotten to know one another better, and are more comfortable whereas before they were damn near strangers. Unless something more serious happens, I wouldn’t worry about it. Also, ask yourself if you’re insecure or seeing things that aren’t there because of jealousy or fear. You may be right, but you also may be wrong. You don’t know until you KNOW.
You need to express vocally exactly how you are feeling
Have yall considered swapping SOs?