How do you try and meet your partner’s emotional needs?

4 comments

1. Listen to her when she needs me to. Don’t interrupt unless necessary.

   If it’s something that she needs me to act on or needs advice over, then I try to help her find a solution and take action where necessary.

   If it’s something she just needed to get out of her head and share with someone, then support her as I can. That can be simple agreement. It can be cuddles, it can be cheering her up, putting her in bed for a nap, or even just getting food.

   People will view that as patronizing, like I’m treating her as a child. But the truth is when it comes to needing comfort, humans can often be quite simple in our needs and what can bring comfort to us.

   For deeper and more difficult issues or traumas, naturally you require a more in depth support, for much longer (Months? Years? The rest of your lives together? Who can say it depends on the trauma).

   The nature of the support usually depends on the needs being expressed.

2. I don’t have a partner, but when I do ~~I drink Dos Equis~~ I met her emotional needs by doing the following:

   * Listening to her while she vents about people or events that are annoying her, *especially* if her annoyance is in some sense unreasonable. Reassure her that she’s amazing and everything will be ok, and *mean it* when I say so.
   * Complete the chores that I take on as my own in an unnoticeably “automated” manner, as a hotel cleaner would.
   * Essentially limitless non-sexual touch. Sexual touch is slightly limited, but not that much.

   The above isn’t really enough though. I know that people want the following, which I rarely do:

   * Arrange pleasant surprises. I can manage a dinner booking, but I’m particularly bad at Holidays and gifts, and bookings that need to be made months in advance.
   * Doing “relational” work like keeping in contact with friends and family. It’s not something I can do at anywhere near the frequency or breadth that she can, simply because I’ve never had anywhere near so many simultaneous relationships.
   * Being generally positive about the world. I simply can’t be the happy bouncy person, it requires too much cognitive dissonance. I can be positive about her, but I need her to be positive about everything and everyone else.
   * Being easily contactable. I have fewer issues with this now, but I used to have a career where this was impossible, and it caused issues.

3. I’d argue that it depends. You need to be sympathetic and able to express empathy, but you’re also not an emotional support dog. Know your boundaries and what you’re capable of dealing with.

   Otherwise, spend time with them, be thoughtful, listen (is generally good advice).

4. Ask them what they want.