Sorry in advance for the wall of text, but I think context is quite important. I [30M] have been with my [25F] girlfriend (E) for just over 6 years. E has struggled with controlling her alcohol use since we first got together, she almost always drinks more than she intents to, getting completely smashed and occasionally blacking out. Her parents have both been alcoholics since she was a child and have medical issues as a consequence.
In the first 4.5 years of our relationship, E would drink until smashed 4-7 days a week, and she would go out clubbing with her friends occasionally.
When E drinks at home, she occasionally does things which I’ve told her I’m not okay with, such as messaging ex-boyfriends out of the blue, or posting nudes on social media and fishing for attention. She has told me that she has done this because I wasn’t giving her enough attention, which I admit is true when she is drunk, because I can’t stand being around her when she’s barely able to talk, and don’t want to have sex with her if she’s hammered. E has also got physical with me when drunk, so I tend to try stay out of her way after she’s drank a lot. E has also driven her car while blackout drunk, so I _always_ pick her up after nights out.
When E went would go out clubbing, I would pick her up at 4-5 AM, she would be barely able to stand and was incomprehensible. She would occasionally get drugs off strangers and once needed a trip to the ER because she felt like she was dying. E has emotionally cheated on me with a guy she met while drunk, and she has physically cheated on me (not the whole way, as I wouldn’t be able to forgive that, but touching/kissing) when out clubbing with her friends. E also lost a job for drinking while at work.
18 months ago, I sat down with E and had a long talk with her about how her drinking is affecting me and how I feel like I can’t move forward in our relationship if she doesn’t stop. Around the same time, E fell out with the friends she would go out clubbing with and stopped going (1 friend ghosted her and the other got a BF and stopped putting in effort to see her).
E then went sober for 5 months and although she’s since started drinking again, she’s generally been a fair bit better. She’s drinking far less often (once a week most weeks, sometimes more often) and sometimes doesn’t write herself off. That said, in the last 2 months she drank enough to vomit twice and one night she again posted nudes online and fished for attention.
E’s friend that had stopped putting in effort to see her has recently become single and reconnected, and wants to go out clubbing and drinking with her and their other friend who has been overseas for a few years and is visiting. I get along well with both of her friends. I told E that I am not comfortable with this, given E’s history with alcohol and crossing boundaries in our relationship. E feels like she will miss out on rebuilding her relationship with her friend if she doesn’t go out, and that by asking her to not go clubbing I am controlling her.
Tl:dr – gf of 6 years has alcohol misuse disorder and a history of going outside the boundaries of our relationship when drinking at nightclubs. She went sober but has started drinking again with a little more control.
How do I approach this topic with E, and explain that I’m uncomfortable with her going out drinking at nightclubs, without it coming across as an attack or controlling? I don’t mind her drinking with these friends at home or their place where I know she’s safe, just not at nightclubs.
29 comments
This is a really bad relationship for you. She’s an alcoholic, she’s abusive, and she’s not trustworthy. I’m sure she’s great when she’s great, but why are you still sticking around?
If she doesn’t get sober, you should leave. You’re putting in boundaries because of her behavior, and really you shouldn’t need to micromanage her. When you find yourself parenting a loved one, its not good
This is not the advice you asked for, but as someone who has been in a much longer relationship with an alcoholic, you need to ask yourself if you can see yourself dealing with these same problems for another 10, 20, or 30 years. It doesn’t change, and the same problems come up every few months or years. Don’t stay in a relationship where you are always having to ask her to do the right thing – she’s already told you she doesn’t want to.
You don’t rephrase it, you dump her. She has a serious alcohol problem even with her cutting back her intake. She needs rehab not a boyfriend. You’ve been with her since she was 19 and you were 24. It’s time to move on. You can’t save her from herself so stop trying.
Honestly I know you didn’t ask for this advice, but it sounds like this isn’t a healthy relationship for you. Alcoholic or not, she has consistently crossed your boundaries and you deserve at the very least respect which you are not getting in this relationship.
I think the best way to handle it is to use I statements. Say that I feel hurt/uncomfortable/upset when you drive drunk. I feel unsafe when you get physical/aggressive with me when drinking. I don’t feel valued in the relationship when you post nudes/kiss other people/emotionally are involved with others.
Your issue is that you don’t like her behavior because she consistently crosses your boundaries. She happens to cross these boundaries when she’s drunk but the issue is her not respecting your boundaries. It sounds like she’s an alcoholic who hasn’t really hit rock bottom yet and hasn’t realized the full control alcohol has on her so when she hears that you don’t want her to go out clubbing it’s you getting in the way of her drinking and meeting up with friends. You wouldn’t have an issue with her clubbing and meeting up with friends if she didn’t cross your boundaries and disrespect you when she drinks.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Addiction is hard for all those involved.
Among a lot of other things, this would be a deal breaker for me:
>When E drinks at home, she occasionally does things which I’ve told her I’m not okay with, such as messaging ex-boyfriends out of the blue, or posting nudes on social media and fishing for attention.
>
>She has told me that she has done this because I wasn’t giving her enough attention.
That is not an excuse.
And the emotional cheating should have ended things.
There is nothing about this relationship that sounds promising to me. Everything is coming at the expense of you.
I know she’s a mess and that sounds like a justification that warrants forgiveness… but its not.
You deserve better treatment as she’s taken advantage of your patience and love countless of times.
Your relationship keeps hurting you. And now you have (valid) reasons not to trust her going out… which she says ‘you’re controlling me’.
No… she is the one controlling and manipulating you.
The only way for your life to get better, is finding a new partner who loves you in the same way you love them.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel here. It wont get better.
Is the only way for them to catch up to go out drinking and clubbing!? They couldn’t go out for dinner or a coffee!?
The fact is at the end of the day deep down you don’t trust her and that’s understandable but you either trust her or you don’t, and do you really want a relationship with someone you can’t trust
bro, she aint the one.
I’m so sorry. Your relationship won’t work because your gf is an alcoholic. She will not be better unless she becomes committed to her own sobriety, not for a while but for forever. Can you see a scenario where your gf is giving up alcohol forever? I’ve been down this road too and it sucks and it keeps sucking.
You can’t ask an alcoholic to mitigate their drinking and you can’t ask them to stop drinking because the only way it works is if they honestly want to. You have to ask yourself if you can stay in this relationship if this is how it always is.
I have a married friend. He is a doctor and a nice guy.
After getting drunk he turns 180 degree over into some pervert jerk. His marriage is failing and he keeps repeating the same.
What inam saying until and unless she forces herself into therapy by her own accord you ll bear the burden of betrayal and frustrations for a long time until..you know what.
I think you need to leave the relationship. If she isn’t going to do anything about it, then why are you going to continue put yourself through her cycles of it?
You approach this topic by leaving her.
On top of the other advice, why wouldn’t you go clubbing with her? You have to pick her up at 4am anyway. Why not just be there? If you don’t like clubbing, sounds like you both don’t have compatible lifestyles as she is constantly doing that – much to her detriment. And you can’t fix her.
Your fighting a losing battle. If E wanted your relationship to work and go long term she would stop drinking. She has not chosen that route so she is not choosing you. You can continue to beat your head against the wall and try to make this work or you can have the conversation with her about abstaining from alcohol and end it if she is unwilling.
She legitimately has a problem and if clubbing is the only way to reconnect with her friend, that’s not a friend she should have. It’s not controlling if you don’t want her to backslide into a destructive lifestyle. If she doesn’t choose to be responsible and respectful to the relationship after all this time, it’s time to let her go.
You had many talks and she doesn’t want to change. You are not a good match.
You cannot force someone to change or even be healthier. If you can’t take it, move on and let her party her life away.
This is beyond asking her not to go out to clubs.
She has an alcohol problem and you also don’t trust her due to cheating in the past. You might as well ask her to stop being an alcoholic and to stop cheating.
You two are just incompatible. It’s not normal for a partner to say: “well I posted nudes online because you didn’t give me enough attention.” Or “you can’t go to clubs.”
Plenty of people drink and are even alcoholics without posting nudes or cheating. That’s not even how attention neglect works…you allegedly don’t give her attention for one night because she’s drinking so she’s says she’s driven to post nudes? Lol. No. That’s not your fault buddy and it’s a weak excuse. No one gets to be like “I was drinking so I get a free pass!”
You’re trying to make something work that you will never be content with. And conversely she’s not be content sitting with you at home.
All the advice on the relationship as a whole is really what you should be listening to. I was in a similar situation for years, let it drag on way too long, and it ended in the absolute worst most painful way including having my own name dragged through the dirt online despite the other person having abused me for years. If I could change one thing in my life it would be leaving that person earlier. Really one of my few real regrets.
That said, to address your actual question about rephrasing. Tell her that you are ok with her going out, but not drinking while she’s out because of past experiences. You also need to put in place a complete boundary. “If x then y”. If you drink when you’re out, I will be moving out. This is definitely a place for a FIRM boundary. You shouldn’t be telling her where she’s allowed to go, but you can tell her what you are willing to accept in YOUR life. You don’t have to accept her worst behavior just because you love her. In fact, doing so may be more damaging.
And last thing I’ll add is you mentioned cheating was years back.. posting nudes when that is something you did not agree on between you is also a form of cheating. She is walking all over your boundaries and it’s going to happen again.. because why wouldn’t it? You need to take the wheel, this is your life and it’s time to decide where you want this to go and what you’re ok with. Stand up for yourself and stick with it.
Alternatively if you won’t break up with her and get therapy, you can tell he you are only trying to control her because she’s a sloppy, worthless drunk who is incapable of controlling herself.
The problem here is, in your attempt to prevent a potential issue you are restricting her, by restricting her it comes across as controlling and can cause resentment. Resentment leads to rebellion or lashing out. The root of the issue is her, and her drinking. How she behaves when she’s drunk. She puts herself and others in danger. You feel as if you can’t relax if you know she’s out drinking due to previous behaviour which is absolutely reasonable.
She’s knowingly and willingly doing these things, knowing how she gets and how it makes you feel, which is not respectful to you at all. Put the shoe on the other foot, ask her how she’d feel if you got blackout drunk and messaged, got physical with other girls. Make her think about it from someone else’s perspective.
I say this as someone who dealt with my trauma by drinking. I say this as someone who also used to get blackout drunk very regularly and I ended up in a very upsetting and unfortunate situation. I used it to cope with my trauma of my childhood, then used it to cope with the trauma of something that happened because I was drunk. I didn’t stop until I found a partner who was supportive and made me feel safe. (I’m not saying you don’t btw, this is just my story) I now probably drink once or twice a month casually (couple of beers or glasses of wine on a Friday sort of thing)
But she has to want to change, she has to want to combat whatever it is in her head making her want to escape from her own head. Unless she’s prepared to do that no ultimatums, begging or restrictions will stop her.
What I will say, is I have been absolutely smashed a few times with my current partner and out with my girl friends, all in social settings, perfectly safe (I am extremely aware of my surroundings these days) and I would never, ever, ever dream of hitting on another guy, posting pics for attention. No matter how smashed I was. The worst I ever got is me laying in a bath under a shower and asking my partner to stay with me. (little too many shots during a shots game for a friend’s party!) the thought of another man, or getting attention from another man has never entered my head. So what’s the deal there? That is not cool.
Either she goes sober or you break up. You have family experience with alcoholism. Does it ever get better while still drinking? You should be less afraid of her cheating and more scared she’s a raging alcoholic.
Break up, and visit some al anon meetings to get support for your relationships with family having drinking problems.
good luck
Sounds like you are not attracted to a major part of her personality that seems unlikely to change. You can try an ultimatum, but I would be prepared to leave if she decides alcohol is more important than you.
You are uncomfortable because you know these old friends reconnecting again will result in your GF falling back into her old behaviour. If she calls you controlling and doesnt understand after having this history, it is time to walk away.
If someone isn’t loyal to you when they are drunk then they are not loyal to you. Why are you in this relationship?
So she’s cheated in the past, blamed alcohol and drugs, and continues to use them? Usually, when people “reconcile” they at least try to quit the behavior they claimed was the trigger. You didn’t reconcile from those past events, you just swept them under the rug. What incentive does she have to act any different when her behavior never even had to change? She will do the same thing in the future that she did in the past.
In the end, your problem is that she wants to go, and honestly believes that she’s not doing anything wrong. Because of that, either she’s going to go and you’ll resent her, or she’s not and she’ll resent you. Neither is good for the relationship. If I were you, I’d honestly consider moving on. Don’t stay with someone you know doesn’t live or respect you, because you can’t trust them.
Just because she gets drunk, and cheats doesn’t mean it’s the alcohol. She clearly has very little respect for you to start and uses the alcohol as a means to justify it. The fact that you are still with her after the first time is mind blowing. And contributes to her lack of respect. There are many more women in this world that will love you and respect you than you think. Women who will appreciate all the things you do for them and do kind little things for you as well. Can you honestly picture making her your wife? And the mother of your children? Not a good trait in a mother and then you’ll always question if it’s yours vecause she’s cheated several times. Leave while you still can. It’s heartbreaking and you will fell really bad the next few months, but there will be some relief that comes with it. Especially when you find the right person. You’ll look back and won’t be able to believe how you could date someone like tour current GF.
Well you either trust her or you don’t, and if you don’t trust her then she shouldn’t be your girlfriend anymore. Personally I would not be able to trust her, but you need to be the one to make the choice since you’re the one who will live with it
The disrespect is insane, you can’t fix or help when they don’t see the problem themselves.
So you have a choice, how much more time are you going to waste on this person?
That hurt to read buddy.. you’re the biggest walking doormat I’ve seen on this sub in a long time.