(Edit: Thank you so much, everyone, for your advice for us to seek therapy together and talk about it more. I really needed some advice before I truly confronted her with how it was making me feel. We have since cried, laughed together, and made love. We decided that it truly is best we wait a bit longer to have kids and go through with the abortion. Tbh, I think this has brought us so much closer already. I can not thank everyone enough who has been positive in guiding me to talk with her more. Sometimes, I’m hard-headed and don’t want her to have to know how I feel cause I don’t want her more upset, but it was definitely needed this time. I can not thank you all enough)
So today, my girlfriend (23F) and I (27M) found out she was 8 weeks pregnant at her doctors appointment for her gallbladder issues. She is religious about her birth control (pills) and but of course, nothing is 100%. We have talked a lot about this before just in casual conversation, so we both already knew abortion was the option immediately. We have a very healthy relationship and the best relationship I’ve ever had. (going on 3 years in a couple of weeks)
With all that being said, I kinda really wanna keep it. Her health is not great atm and she needs some serious surgeries soon regarding her gastrointestinal system. Also, I’m in the middle of changing careers, and we are both back in school, and we already have a lot of financial obligations that would make it very unwise to keep it. But deep down, it does really bother me we are getting rid of it. I’ve been a step daddy before in a past relationship and love kids, and I’ve always dreamed of the day to have my own child. This really hurts, and I’m doing my best to be strong for her to be by her side through all of this, but I’m dying inside. I had to step away cause I was shaking after we got back home, and I didn’t want her to know it bothers me. I know a part of her wants to keep it, and it bothers her, too, and she cried for a bit, but she’s already pretty dead set on the abortion. I know she would keep it if I asked her too, but I would never. What would be the best way to cope with this? We are also keeping this a secret until afterward. All I can think about is telling mine and her family’s and wanting to be excited and take care of her every need. This is so stressful, but I know it’s for the best. It’s really not wise, especially with all her health complications atm to keep it. I’m not really sure what advice I’m looking for, but this really breaks my heart, and I’m not sure what to do.
47 comments
Sorry that’s it’s not safe, but yer making the right call. Maybe seeking therapy?
Therapy would be wise. Not all decisions are made with ease and peace.
Not to doom and gloom, but if she can’t eat, and this is a doctor’s question, what are the chances of the fetus surviving anyway? Are you going to agonize through just to end up with a miscarriage (or worse)…? It sucks, but definitely be open with your gf. Talk. Make the best choice of god awful choices. Maybe get some therapy as others have pointed out. But don’t try to shoulder this by yourself. It’s why Significant Others are significant.
Sounds like you’re making the right decision for right now. Because of her health and your financial situation, it’s probably not the right time to become parents, no matter how much you want to. Plus, your girlfriend is dead set on an abortion, for those reasons, and ultimately it is her choice whether she wants to be pregnant right now. Is that unfair? Kinda, but until we find a way to make cisgender men pregnant, that’s the way it is. You don’t get to force someone else to make you a kid because you want one.
Of course you can talk to your girlfriend about how you’re feeling, how this is difficult for you, and maybe start making some plans for the future. Having an abortion now, when you’re not ready, means you have the freedom to plan and work towards creating a stable environment, so that you can have kids together when you’re ready.
From what your describing it does not sound safe for your gf to have this child right now. Your best option is to abort and then try again when the both of you are ready/healthy. Sometimes the right choice is the harder choice to make.
Instead of hiding how you feel, and what you’re thinking, the two of you need to have a serious sit down conversation. Go over all your options. Speak to her doctor. Get a second opinion if you feel like it’s worth it.
As difficult as it is, given her health and your financial situation I don’t think a baby is the best idea. Sit down and do a budget and plan on the worst case scenario of her health and possible complications with the baby – are you in a position where that wouldn’t completely bankrupt you? Would a pregnancy be life threatening for your GF? Try to be as realistic as possible in terms of what life you’d be able to give a child right now
Dude. Wake up. Horrible time to have a kid. Go with the original plan. If you were both 30 I’d say chance it. At your age, especially hers, you should not. Don’t get too excited about it. Get the life in place and you have plenty of time. Having an unplanned pregnancy with no jobs and when gravely ill is immature and just underlines you need to wait a bit longer.
Have you actually spoken together about the pregnancy?
I think termination is the best choice, but I can also understand why you’re sad. Look into support groups for TFMR as that is certainly part of the reason for this decision given GF health issues. I think therapy for you is a good idea too.
I’m sorry that the two of you have to come to this crossroads. But unfortunately, your girlfriend’s health outweighs that of having a kid right now. While it’s okay to grieve and want a child, it’s not right to put her mental and physical well-being in jeopardy. And I’m glad that you see that.
I strongly urge you to get individual therapy, in fact that both of you get therapy, because this is a decision that’s going to affect both of you in ways that you won’t even understand, or even know that it’s the root cause of what is causing other issues down the line. Hopefully, once her health issues are resolved and you two are mentally healthy as well from this experience, you guys can start that conversation about having a child together.
Get therapy and let her choose. I’m not even sure a doctor would say it’s safe for her to go through with this if her health in the abdominal area is really bad at the moment. Think about more than desire to be a daddy and understand you can do this again when the time is right.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you guys are making the right decision to put your girlfriend’s health first. I know that doesn’t make it easier, but you’re doing the right thing.
If you can afford it and have the time, you could look into therapy to help you deal with these feelings. This is a tough situation and talking through it together with a therapist could help you both come to terms with everything.
It sounds like you and your girlfriend are generally pretty good at communicating with each other, and it’s so important right now that you maintain that connection. You might have the urge to isolate your emotions trying to protect each other, but it’s okay to seek comfort and share your feelings with each other, even if it might feel uncomfortable.
I hope you find peace in time.
>and I’ve always dreamed of the day to have my own child.
But you wouldn’t be “having” your “own child.”
Your unhealthy GF would be “having” it. Pregnancy is dangerous enough without adding in the complication of serious illness.
Also, you aren’t married, so she would technically be a single Mom. Not good if your finances are wobbly.
I understand that you are sad, but she is only 23. She has plenty of time to have children when her health is better and she is financially sound.
If she’s set on it, she’d set on it. Nothing for you to do.
It’s okay it if changes things between you. It probably should, especially if you wanted to keep it and she doesn’t. Life-changing, unilateral decisions often do, and this is an unfortunate situation that has consequences. They happen.
But in the end, it’s her call, and should be her call, and she’s going to make the one she feels right. What happens next is up to both of you, but it is also up to you.
A friend of mine was in a similar position with her partner. They decided to look at it a particular way, in order to do what needed to be done. They talked about it as a baby that tried to come into their life too early, not in its right time. They said ‘no, but come back later at the right time’. It helped them deal with it, and frame it as a positive for their relationship. They went on to welcome two kids a few years later, when they were in a better position to care for kids and her health problems were resolved.
A certain iron maiden song comes to mind.
Considering how this is impacting you, I would for sure at least have a few chats with a therapist or counselor so they can help you process what you are feeling….
But you need to be a lot more careful to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Considering her health is in a bad place to be getting pregnant, you both need to be hyper-aware of how you are having sex so you don’t have to go through this again and risk finding yourself in this situation again.
And how does your gf feel? Something about this post just seems selfish and about you when it’s her with the health issue right now, her that will be carrying, and her that would need to put up with the health concerns and squeeze a bowling bowl through her cervix. ultimately her choice to make.
With her gallbladder issues, she’s going to be in even more pain with a pregnancy. You need to talk to her but also, her health comes first. You both need to be healthy, in a good situation and on the same page. Therapy all round.
As someone else stated, “it’s okay to be sad about the right decision.”
But you need to grieve WITH her, don’t run and hide. One of the worst things being in a partnership is feeling alone.
She has serious issues and you guys already knows she needs surgery. Having the baby will mess her up so badly, she might never recover. It’s a matter of health. This is not a baby. This is her potential gravestone. Arrange a grief counseling appointment for both of you, tomorrow morning!
Apparently healthy women still die in childbirth.
You’d be unwise to expect her to want to risk her life like this.
You grieve. It’s ok for both of you to know it’s the right decision AND also grieve the loss of it.
honestly? keep it to yourself. emotions aside, it sounds like she’s managing complex health issues already, and pregnancy is further disabling (temporarily or permanently). all of that burden falls on her, and it’s a huge ask. if she knows you want it, she might agree to something that could cause serious damage down the road to keep
you happy. you can figure out parenthood when the time is right in a way that’s safe for both of you
Go to therapy, get the words and feelings out, and never, ever tell her. You know it’s a bad idea to kep the child. The fact that you feel sad about it doesn’t make it a good idea. She is having to make the decision for both of you, do not mope or make her feel like she’s making the wrong decision, because she isn’t.
So sorry this is happening to both of you.
>Her health is not great atm and she needs some serious surgeries soon regarding her gastrointestinal system
At this point it is a serious health issue. So you know what the most sensible thing to do it. But that doesn’t mean that you – both of you – can’t grief. I heard a woman saying that she wrote a letter to the “soul that wanted to come to her”, explaining that this was the wrong time… You can do some grief work together, and you can talk about a time when her health and both of your financial situation is better, and that at some point you want to be parents… Don’t believe that just because this time it won’t be possible that you can’t think about it, talk about it, grief about it. This is a health issue, the body of your gf is not in the state for a healthy pregnancy / baby situation, so maybe treat it more like a miscarriage – something where you don’t have much choice.
What’s stopping you guys from having a child when the time is right?I get the feeling of sadness and wanting to have a child (I’ve had an abortion before) but if it’s not a good time it’s not. I’m pretty happy about the abortion I had because it’s allowed me to give a good life to the children I have now.
It’s understandable to feel that way. BUT – the timing truly is bad. When you guys are settled, stable and her health has improved, you can provide the best life to a baby. With her health issues, carrying a baby might be very difficult and risky too. Certainly seek some counselling. Wishing you two the best through this one.
It’s ok to be sad about this, there’s not really anything you can or should do except be supportive and grieve together. If it’s something you both eventually want then you can always try again when the time is right.
It’s ok to be sad – but you are doing the right thing for her health and your future. Stay strong for her!
It’s okay to regret a termination. It’s okay to grieve the loss. You don’t have to be happy you terminated a pregnancy. If it’s not the right time in your life, it’s just not the right time.
Is there some reason why you would tell your parents? It’s not really any of their business.
It sounds to me like being pregnant at this time in her life would be a threat to her life. Why would you want to do that to her?
It’s okay to have feelings about this. It’s okay that this let you know in the future you want kids. But, you need to remember in the end this is her choice and the best choice because of your career and her medical issues. This should open up a conversation about future kids, but not right now kids.
I think you should at least vocalize all of your feelings to her. Have a conversation, it doesn’t mean you blurt out “I’m sad and kind of want to keep it!!” Start slow and say what you said to us.
“I know it’s the time for us, but I can’t help but be sad about it being the wrong time. Your health isn’t in the spot to grow a child let alone birth it, but it makes me sad we aren’t taking this journey right now.” Maybe you add in that it’s made you realize you do want to take this path of parenting with her at a later time. If that’s how you feel of course. I think logistically you know it’s not in her best interest to carry a baby right now, and you wouldn’t be able to offer it the best life at this point in your lives. You seem like a great partner. I wouldn’t hide these feelings to spare hers, because chances are she’s having some strong feelings that she’s scared of talking about as well. Talk to eachother
Responsibly. Follow the golden rule.
Normally, I would Said “let’s talk in private” and ” go talk with a psy in a familial planning center”.
But if you talk here, it is because the other options are either out of reach or that you already tried it. Moreover, a public answer to a public question is usefull for the public.
So.
Abortion is always a drama. You don’t do it because you want. You do it because having a child will wreck your life and probably the life of your children present and future.
I have worked in this domain. I have saw a lot of women and some men in the same turmoil than yours. The best answer to this dilemma I ever heard in all those years is ” I want a child but not now. I want it by choice, not by chance”.
The decision you and your wife have to take now is to distinguish between what is bad and what is worst. Be conscious that the Tibetan that pull baby in ice water and people all over the world who sold some children to save the others are in the same case.
Staying with your gf is she do or if she doesn’t is part of the ” my body, my choice” axiom, for you as for her.
A psychological reality of the human condition is that a thing exists when you believe it exists. Complotism is a good example. But it applies to baby too. A child exists when you think it does. Sometimes, a woman doesn’t believe she is pregnant, that there is a child., sometimes even after the birth. It is the other side of the same spectrum.
What I am telling here is that your feelings are legit and normal. It is how humanity survived. But it doesn’t change anything to your situation. It is a time of sacrifice. You cannot have the butter and keep the money of the butter. And we don’t need anymore to have a child to throw to predators while we run away.
Here is my advice, the only advice worth of the electricity of this webpage :
Be on the side of your partner. Because if you are not, you won’t be the father of any of her children anyway.
It isn’t safe for your girlfriend to have this baby and it sounds like she would risk her life just to carry it. And who knows what kind of damage her inability to eat and other health problems will have on the baby.
It’s not meant to be. I’m so sorry.
But you found something out today. When your girlfriend is healthy and in a good place, you want to be a dad. So start making decisions around this information to help it happen.
I’d also recommend therapy. A loss of a wanted (or even unwanted) baby can be hard. I cried for almost a week after losing my first pregnancy. As sick as I was, I would have had to abort as well had i not miscarried. But I got better after multiple surgeries and my husband and I have 3 beautiful children.
Thank you for the update, you’re a good person and I’m sure you’ll be a great father when the time comes.
Everyone gets to have feelings about this and you two should discuss it. Yes, her health is in jeopardy and you both know this so even though her choice is the smart decision, you can both be sad. I am so sorry you are going through this. Very good friends went through a similar situation before they were married.
I’m sorry you two are in this predicament. Right now though you both need to listen to the opinion of her doctors. If having a baby right now will put her life in danger then that needs to be your priority.
Why do you want to tell your family? Personally I think this should be just for you and your gf. This is a personal relationship matter and you’re potentially going to open her up to be on the receiving end of some rude comments. You’re adults – this is an adult relationship.
Health, and financial stability should always come first. Find a couples counsellor so you can both discuss this together and work through the whole range of emotions before and after the procedure.
not to be unsensitive, but what you’re mourning is not a child, it’s the idea of a child. what’s actually in your gf’s belly is just a bunch of cells that also happen to be partially responsible for her current unhealthy state, which would probably result in a miscarriage later anyway. having an abortion now doesn’t mean you’re giving up on your child. it just means that now isn’t the right time, and that’s ok.
This sounds really dangerous for her.
Putting your own parental instincts aside, do you want your girlfriend to die carrying your child? If she doesn’t die, can you afford a kid?
You can always build a family later, if she’s still alive.
Or you can take the risk of being a single dad to a child with a dead mom.
So..whaddaya wanna do? What’s more important to you, your partner or the clump of cells in her uterus?
The health of the mother should take priority over that of the fetus she is carrying, ALWAYS. Don’t tell her you want this baby, and don’t mention it to her in the future after the abortion, either.
First, I want OP to know something very important: It’s okay to not be okay.
I also want to applaud the empathy I’ve seen in the other comments.
You chose to open up to strangers about some very vulnerable feelings. As men, we’re often told to just keep it to ourselves for the benefit of others, but all it does is make it easier to dehumanize us into emotionally stunted stereotypes.
Choosing to respect your SO and her decision is the right call, especially if the doctors are confirming how dabgerous it would be. The best thing you can do is continue being supportive.
After the procedure, though, have a serious talk with her about where your emotions are and have been. Don’t hide pain from your partner. She loves you, and you love her, so once everything has settled down, take time to communicate and heal together. Seeing a counselor as a couple and individually is also a really good idea.
Lastly, i wish you both the best and the brightest of futures. You seem like 2 good people who deserve each other. I hope that when you’re both in a good place to do so, you have the chance to build a beautiful family together.
Two intelligent people seeking therapy together and making good decisions. I wish your girlfriend a complete recovery and both of you a wonderful future together! You both deserve it!