For the past four years we had next to no contact to my goddaughter and her family. We are related (our parents are cousins) and I thought it was jealousy or something like that. They broke off contact with everyone in the family. For a long time they used Covid as an excuse for not meeting the rare times we got a reply from them. The older girls got social media accounts and we were sometimes able to talk a little with them.
A few weeks ago my sister (30F, godmother to the oldest) and I finally managed to meet the oldest of the girls, let’s call her Anna. She told us what has been happening in her family and basically her father has serious mental issues (possibly bipolar, probably psychosis) and her mother is also affected. The girls, especially the older ones, have suffered severe mental abuse and have only started to untangle truth from lies in the past year. Anna has gotten so concerned about the safety and well-being of her younger sisters that she reported her parents to child protective services two days before we met.
After meeting we informed our closest relatives and have tried to support them however we can. Last week their aunt tried to meet with Anna and Belle, middle child. Their father found out and took the kids on a spontaneous holiday out of the country. They returned for school on Monday and now today Anna texted us that child protective services showed up at school and placed her and Belle in fostercare. Clara, youngest, is still with their parents for now. Anna is mostly in contact with my sister, her godmother, who is writing on behalf of our family unit. Anna has told her that she and Belle are very scared but their fosterparent is kind.
Currently I’m studying abroad and my sister is working full time in a different city but we are planning to visit the kids at Easter if possible. And we made sure Anna and Belle know we are fully backing them and are there for them.
My big questions is how can I support and help the kids best? Has anyone been in a comparable situation and what did you do (my position)/ what did you wish others did for you (kids’ position)? What kind of words or actions would you have wanted to hear/receive?
TL;DR: My goddaughter and her sisters were put into fostercare today and are scared. Besides telling them I am there for them what other things can I say or do to show them my support?
9 comments
I don’t have much to offer except to say this could be extremely traumatizing especially in their formulative years, and likely will have long lasting effects on their adult life as well. I think you should try to remain in their lives and help them as much as possible so they can feel some sort of normalcy in their life. So that they can feel loved and will grow up to be emotionally and mentally healthy individuals.
Your sister should ask to connect with the foster parent. And ask for their advice on any next steps of connecting with other family members, or making any visits. The foster parent is the legal guardian right now, and you should all start by trying to respect them in that role. That will help give security and clarity to Anna and Bella as well. It takes a team, and right now, the foster parent and case worker are the team leaders, not any member of the family.
Your hearts are all in the right place, but you don’t really know these kids right now, and you aren’t able to be present for them right now (physically, or legally). They are probably really overwhelmed. It’s great to have one person being the point of contact for Anna, and you probably want not to make Anna feel responsible for maintaining contact with more people besides that right now.
The foster parent can probably give some good advice on what gifts/letters would be best for Anna and Bella right now. And to advise if Easter is a good idea. They are teenagers, so gift certificates are rarely a miss and could be a good way to express some care, without making them feel they have to explain the whole situation all over again to yet another adult.
Really listen to the foster parent. Most of them are awesome, and this probably isn’t their first rodeo. They can be a great resource if you let them.
Could you volunteer to foster them for some period of time?
My advise is to sit down as a family and go over what you guys want out of this. What are your goals with the kids? How involved in their lives do you want to be? Then after this is established, bring it up to the guardian and understand what their goals are.
My mom has guardianship of my nephews and honestly, our case was a lot different from this, but I will say, the hardest thing is how you can do everything right and then their parents come back into the picture and blow it up in your face. You try and provide these kids with a normal life, normal experiences, and then their parents make it a point to ruin it.
Keep checking in on them so they know you are there for them and care what happens to them. Send them care packages with some of their favorite things. Make sure they know to tell you if anything isn’t ok – they’ve been keeping problems secret their whole lives so telling anyone about any new problems is not something they’ll do easily. Ask their social worker what you can do to help and support them. If you can, ask their foster parent the same.
I was there. They took my kids 10 years ago. First try to get in contact with the social worker that is on charge of the case. Dont contact the foster parents until you talk to the social worker. Then they will talk to you about the options. If you want custody or visitations with the kids you have to do the finger print scanning and wait for about a week until your background comes cleared. If you have the stability and space in your home for them you can tell them and they will make sure you are a good option. But if the parents object it would make the case dificult because if they start doing what the social worker is asking for, then their opinion is taking into consideration. But im talking in my experience with them. I know every one works different and also laws differs depending on the state or country. Im in usa.
One think if it posible please keep in contact and have visitations whenever you can. Is so sad when kids dont have relatives and they only sit and see the other foster siblings getting time with their respectives families, in more than one occasion i invited something to the other kids because i just cant stand leaving a kid out, and the foster parents were horrible that they took the other kids to my visit and dont buy them anything, not even an ice cream.
Really tough to do anything from a distance besides be available to chat. Best thing you can do is to foster them, second best thing is to be near them to be a consistent presence in their lives.
Make sure they have money, that their foster parents are treating them right, that they’re able to get to any after school clubs and sports they like (foster parents can’t always drive them and kids have to drop out).
I’m not sure in your culture, but in mine, the godparents are pretty much the backup parents. I’m not sure why your goddaughter’s parents picked someone so young for that. Usually it’s a heavy decision because it’s who the children will go to if the parents die or become incapacitated.
I (40m) was about your age when I had to file for custody of my niece and nephew. The specifics were different, but the situation was still the same. My sister was not capable of taking care of her children at the time. My family got together and we agreed that the best course of action was for my wife and I take them in. My dad moved in with us as well to help since we both work. It was certainly a huge shock to our little family ecosystem, but honestly, what is more important within a family than providing a safe and healthy place for kids to grow up?
However, at that point in my life, we were in a financial situation where we were able to handle that. I had paid off my wife’s student loans during my time in the army, and was just starting my new civilian career. My dad also brought income with him when he moved in.
Suggestions for communicating with traumatized kids: Don’t pick sides, don’t gossip about parents or even share true but negative things about parents behind their back. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Be extremely clear about what you’re offering as far as visits and contact but don’t say ‘I Promise’ if you really don’t know the details and aren’t sure about something. Calm, gentle supportive.
Suggestions for dealing with the state: If a child is taken into foster care, it is the DHS worker (or some other acronym) who is in charge of the kids. These DHS workers are often severely overworked with large and intense caseloads. They are often tasked with investigating family networks, but sometimes don’t have the tools, time, and resources to investigate the way they would like. Generously and gently and humbly introduce yourself to the DHS worker. Don’t make demands, don’t be pushy, don’t call them out if they are making obvious mistakes; they are the ones in power of where the children go, you don’t want to make enemies with them. Grease their wheels. When you make things easy for a DHS worker, they make things easy for you.
-A social worker.