I (21F) and my boyfriend (21M) have been together for almost two years. For a majority of the time, he is completely sweet and kind. We recently have found good footing in our relationship and communicating with each other when there are issues. He does do this one thing every once and a while where if I do something he dislikes, he becomes cold and distant, telling me that he doesn’t want to give me attention and reinforce that behavior. He hasn’t done it in awhile because it’s usually when he is already in some type of mood. Sometimes this only lasts like a couple of hours or a couple of days. He is doing it right now and has been cold the last day and a half. The argument started because we are working on a project together and I texted him, asking if he could help with something for the project. He didn’t respond and then something else came up so I called him to try to discuss the issues but he rejected my call. I assume he was busy and just went on with my day. An hour or so later, I was talking to another coworker and found out they had been corresponding the whole afternoon and had actually gotten done what I had asked, which I didn’t know until this other coworker told me. My boyfriend never even opened my message or called me back. This upset me a little because I felt like I was being ignored. When he finally got back to me a couple of hours later, I told him I was upset that he didn’t respond. He got mad at me, telling me he had shown up to his shift late and went out of his way to get the task I’d asked for done. He told me I was being controlling and then left me on read. I called him a couple of hours after that to ask him something about the project and to talk about what happened. He was short with me and a little mean. I told him that I didn’t know that the task had gotten done and that he was late to his shift because he hadn’t communicated with me. I just asked for him to communicate more with me. I apologized for being frustrated and that I was grateful it got done. I said I was sorry he was late for his shift, because I felt he might feel under-appreciated. Even after this, he was cold, saying he didn’t care and didn’t want to talk about it. I tried to communicate more but he said he was putting up a boundary and wasn’t going to tolerate my behavior. He said he wasn’t going to reinforce it. I tried to talk more but he was still being cold and short so I just got off the phone with him figuring he just needed space. It has been a day since then and he is still being cold and short with me, leaving me on read and acting more distant. This makes me feel bad because I feel like i’m being punished and I don’t think you should punish your partner. I want to bring this up to him because it’s a reoccurring issue that makes me feel bad. I feel as though with him saying he doesn’t want to ‘reinforce my behavior’ that I’m being treated asa child or an animal, where you would use that because they cannot effectively communicate. I think as adults we should communicate and talk about issues, not punish each other when we make each other upset. I’ve also noticed that his mom does this and it has caused a strain on their relationship. I feel as though you can put up boundaries without being mean and by distancing himself from me as punishment it makes me anxious. I just want to make sure my argument is sound and if my feelings are valid. I also don’t know if I should bring up that his mother also does this because I don’t want him to feel like i’m throwing stuff in his face but I think it could help put it into perspective.
8 comments
Your argument is that he is not your parent. Second, attempting to control someone’s behavior with manipulation is abuse. Nothing else to say, no arguments to be had.
There is a book you should read: *The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,* by John Gottman and Nan Silver. Gottman researched married couples, observing how they interact for 48 hours in a “love lab” — a one bedroom apartment set up for observation outside the bedroom and bathroom — and then followed up with them over the years to see how they turned out.
He discovered some interesting things. For instance, fighting in a relationship wasn’t a sign it would fail, but *how* you fought could be. In fact, four behaviors were so bad, that Gottman referred to them as the [Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/).
One of those behaviors is Stonewalling. The page linked above describes it this way: “Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.”
Compare that to what you said:
>He does do this one thing every once and a while where if I do something he dislikes, he becomes cold and distant, telling me that he doesn’t want to give me attention and reinforce that behavior.
The web page does have a link to [another page](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/) that talks about antidotes to such behaviors. But the assumption about stonewalling seems to be that it is from the overwhelming emotions involved. Limiting yourselves to a timeout of fifteen minutes in such a case seems to give enough time to calm down.
But if your boyfriend is *intentionally* choosing to behave this way, you may have a problem.
You can read the book together, talk with him — outside of a situation where this happens — about better ways of dealing with this sort of thing. But given that he thinks he can train you in this fashion, while he accuses *you* of being controlling, it seems more like emotional abuse. It certainly isn’t adult communication.
If he isn’t interested in finding better ways to talk about such stuff, or limiting his “cold shoulder” to just ten or fifteen minutes, then he wants to be abusive. Get out of the relationship.
umm, this just sounds like emotional abuse. You were absolutely right. Things got wacky bc he refused to communicate with you. So what is his solution? To further not communicate with you.
Your arguments are sound. Your feelings are completely valid. I highkey doubt anything you do or say will change this for the better. He has to be able to see that his behavior is wrong and sincerely want to change it, and i dont think thats going to happen
Your gut is right on this one: he is intentionally punishing you. It’s normal to occasionally need to “cool down” from an overwhelming emotion (in order to think straight and/or not say things you’ll regret) – it’s abusive to give the cold shoulder to a partner as a means of controlling them. Rather than communicate with you in a respectful, straightforward manner he is *choosing* to make you feel like shit for the sake of making you feel like shit. That is fucked up.
He chose to manage his time poorly. It’s on HIM that he was late to his shift. It’s not hard to say to your partner: “Yeah I can work on that today!” or “I could work on it a bit but then I have to get ready for work later” or “I’m sorry, I can’t get anything done on it today because of X.” There are literally hundreds of ways to respectfully respond to your request. To leave you on read, ignore you, and then BLAME you for being late to work… he sounds extremely immature at best, emotionally abusive at worst. He’s indeed treating you as LESS THAN him. His excuse for his stonewalling is to essentially tell you he’s teaching you a lesson. Gross. You may be young but you’re an adult and he’s your partner, not your owner.
It’s wrong. So so wrong. Please Google “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. There’s a free PDF online. Read it tonight and see if your boyfriend exhibits other abusive tendencies.
So he’s treating you like a child/dog.
That’s emotional abuse.
Wow, it seems like he is treating you more like a behaviorist science experiment than a girlfriend. This seems emotionally abusive. Ignoring someone until you get your way is not how you’re supposed to treat a romantic partner.
I suggest reading [this Healthline article on emotional abuse](https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse) to see if it reminds you of your relationship with your BF.
Honestly, this manipulative shit is worth leaving him over. There is a good chance that he is doing this to you to see if you’re willing to put up with this so he can be even more controlling in the future.
You should read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft.
As others have said, this is emotional abuse. The book I’ve mentioned previously can help you understand what it looks like.