Hi all. I’ve (34F) been married for 9 years with my husband (36M). We have 3 kids.
We have been attending therapy for the last 2 years on and off. We have recognized that I need a lot of affection and emotional connection in my marriage (probably due to childhood stuff) whereas he is very emotionally avoidant (probably how he was raised). I’ve only really noticed this in the last few years, he was very present before cell phones and laptops were prominent.
He has recognized that he does not have it in him to give me what I need, emotionally. We have clarified what that meant (connecting 1-on-1 without phones, biweekly dates, communication – I’m not asking for a lot) but he was very adamant that he didn’t have the energy for it. So I asked him what the plan was and he couldn’t give me an answer. The therapist offers many tools and pieces of homework, but unfortunately, he says yes in session but it’s back to what it is outside of the sessions. I know he has it in him to put in the effort, his priorities are just not what I want them to be. When we try to dive a little deeper, I always end up feeling emotionally abandoned because he will say “oh we’re out of time” (even when we set aside time and are not) or he will become defensive. I know I can’t force him to change so I need a reality check..or other tools for communication or maybe some input on whether this may be over. Thank you 🙁
3 comments
> “oh we’re out of time” (even when we set aside time and are not)
Do you mean that you’ve agreed to chat from 6-7pm and at 6:40 he’s like “oh look, out of time” and then leaves? Because that’s super strange.
So do things outside of the home or environment. DO DANCE CLASSES together. I’m not kidding. It’s just one hour, once a week, totally away from everyone and everything and learning something new each time and feeling young and a little bit of a workout each time. I love it!
Sitting at home and talking about what’s missing and how to improve was too tense and hurtful …. get out of the house and feel yourself doing new each time, feeling romantic and not even speaking about life!
My husband and I are very similar to you guys – we have been doing therapy called EFT – emotionally focused therapy – it is very helpful and helps you understand the root of these kind of issues and how to get out of these kind of negative patterns – I think you really have to do it with a qualified therapist in that area. We go to a male therapist – for some reason I always think my husband would do better with a male therapist