Me and my partner are staying with my mum for the next few months as we are in the process of buying something.
My mum is at work most of the time and we don’t really eat meals together or anything like that.
Recently, my mum has been getting quite wound up because me and my partner don’t speak in English to each other in front of her. For example, we will be sitting and eating food (just the two of us) then my mum comes in and starts getting angry that we aren’t speaking English, saying she feels like a foreigner in her own home. My partners English isn’t fluent and it’s much more convenient for us to not speak English but it’s got to the point now where we are just pretty much silent when my mums in the room. Are we being rude or is my mum overreacting?
34 comments
Normally no.
But in this case where you are guests in her home you should make sure she isn’t excluded from conversation.
Surely one of the best ways for your partner to improve their English would be to have conversations in English, with you helping and translating if it becomes necessary? Then everyone’s included.
It can be quite rude to speak in a language in front of someone who can’t understand it, you’re excluding them from the conversation. And if your partner’s English isn’t very fluent, it’s probably better if you practiced more anyway.
It does kind of sound like you’re treating her house like a hotel. She’s doing you a big favour helping you to get on the property ladder and she may feel you’re taking her for granted.
She may also be being racist or inhospitable or whatever, but if you made an effort to switch to English when she comes in, and deliberately draw her into the conversation (hey mum we’re just talking about Ancient Greece – do you have a favourite mythical hero?) then you might get an idea about whether there’s more to it than just the language barrier.
If you’re talking about, or to your mum. Yes.
It is rude if you Mum is in the room your partner will never be fluent if you don’t speak English with them.
Yes, you are rude. You can speak with your girlfriend at her mother tongue if she doesn’t speak English, and then translate it to your mother. You have to include everybody to the conversation otherwise they feel excluded.
It’s not rude, but it’s probably inconsiderate. Also does this mean your partner can’t communicate with your mum at all? I’d say that’s an issue and may be why your mum is angry.
It would be beneficial for your mum and partner to try building some rapport as otherwise these next few months are going to get uncomfortable.
Yeah….I think it’s kind of rude. In any case. But especially if you are staying in her home.
I’m sure it’s not intentional but she likely feels excluded as that conversation isn’t at all accessible to her
Yes. Extremely rude.
I come from the UK but now live in Germany with my German husband. We speak German at home but when my mum comes to visit, we switch to English. I think it’s rude to speak in front of others in a language they don’t understand, even more so when people can speak the language others can understand. When we visit the UK, we speak English no matter where we are and leave German behind.
Sounds like your mum wants an opportunity to connect with you and your partner, and that you’re not helping her to do that. It’s very strange to say that you are silent when she enters the room, you can’t have a conversation with your own mum? I would say yes in this situation it sounds like you guys are being rude.
You’re her guest, and when you add your partner into the situation that will always play a part in the ‘give and take’ of living together with parents. Maybe you guys need to make an effort to spend time with her. Your partner needs to front that effort too! If your relationship is serious, then the way those two people get on is the difference between free childcare and a living hell.
If she is not in the room, then it’s OK, but if she walks In its rude to speak in a language she does not understand. If you were out with friends who only speak English and you and your partner speak in another language to each other, that would be rude because they don’t understand what you’re talking about.
If your a guest in her home, you should probably include her in conversation
When you’re alone, do whatever.
In a shared environment, whatever is the universal language should take precedent.
I worked for many years in an environment with multiple nationalities and that was our rule.
Your mother can’t expect you to always speak English, but if you’re in the same room or your mum is in the next room and keeps popping in, then I think it’s right to keep it to English.
Yeah, you’re English (presumably) your mum speaks English, you’re in England. Therefore your partner should learn English, and I don’t mean this as a racial rant. It just makes sense to improve your English if you intend on staying in someone’s home and in England.
Likewise if I go to another country I make an effort to speak their language.
Yeah I think it’s extremely rude. You’re guests in someone else’s home and deliberately excluding them from the conversation.
Pretty rude! Your mum is the reason you are on the planet – have some respect! Surely you could get your head out of your partners butt for 5 mins?!?
It’s rude to speak in another language around people who can’t speak it when you’re in their home, yes.
You say your partners English isn’t very good but surely if they’re going to be living here – it makes sense to use this time living with someone who only speaks English, to learn to be fluent?
Yes it’s rude and you shouldn’t need to ask. You’re excluding her.
Just speak English when she’s there and whatever you’re comfortable with when she’s not.
It’s a great opportunity for them to get to know each other by her helping him improve his language skills and perhaps she can pick up a few phrases so when you do speak in a foreign language, she might understand and feel a bit less left out.
My wife, but back then girlfriend, is from Taiwan.
We lived with my parents for a bit. We spoke English when my parents were around mostly, but would slip in and out of Chinese quite naturally. My parents got used to it.
The important thing is to make an effort and occasionally translate for your Mum if you slip into your second language without realizing.
No.
And… Yes.
It’s all about managing people – your mum probably feels excluded, or perhaps wary that you’re speaking about her, because you’re not speaking to her.
If you recap everything you’ve just said to your partner, explain a bit what you’re chatting about, she’d probably start to ease in her concerns. Have your partner speak some English for the basic things.
You probably can’t change your mums attitude to this sort of thing now, but you can manage the situation better.
My husband is German, and I speak very very little of the language so when we visit his family, his job is to be interpreter essentially. I don’t think his family have ever taken much issue with us speaking English to each other.
I think it’s rude. You and your partner could make an effort to speak English and include your mom in convo. She is clearly hurt from being left out like that.
Of course it’s fucking rude
If she’s not in the room then I think it’s fine.
As soon as she comes into the room or tries to interact with you then it would be rude to continue in the other language, imo. Otherwise you’re basically telling her she’s not welcome to be involved in the conversation. Especially since your partner is a guest in your mum’s house, and your mum is trying to help you out, she deserves this courtesy.
Of course, it’s rude…It’s also thoughtless, it’s inconsiderate, and it’s insulting to your mother in more ways than one. She welcomed you into her home, and you repay her kindness by excluding her from any conversation.
You’re also saving loads by staying with her, and actually costing her money for all the extra expenses incurred when two thoughtless idiots stay in her home and treat it like a free hotel, and her like a member of wait staff fit only to be ignored.
I would suggest you show contrition for your sins, and immense gratitude for doing you a huge favour.
So from your mum’s POV her house where she was living alone now has two people living there who don’t spend time with her or try to engage with her. They sit and talk in a language she doesn’t understand so she is excluded from all conversations. One of them is her daughter.
I would worry lews about ‘rude’, and more that she probably regrets letting you stay and feels used. If you don’t want to spend time with someone, don’t ask to live in there house. Most parents would not let their grown up child move their partner into the house, your mum did a really nice thing. I can’t believe your partner isn’t embarrassed. What kind of person would do that?
As others have said it its definitely rude of you. You need to try and include your mum in the conversation, your partner practising her English would also be a good outcome of this.
Out of interest, what language are you speaking when not English?
It’s incredibly rude, your mum must feel isolated in her own home.
Plus if your husbands living over here, speaking his language all this isn’t isn’t going to help him assimilate.
I think it’s rude, plus how is your partner’s English going to improve unless they practice.
Don’t see the big deal personally but it might make sense to practice English with them if they will be living in England long term so it could be a two birds one stone sort of thing
If it’s her house then you couldn’t make her feel pushed out