I made a classically stupid mistake and hooked up with my roommate. It only seemed right. We had become very close within 2 months of me moving in. He used to sit up till I got home from work and admitted talking to me in the evening was the favourite part of his day. 4 months have passed and the relationship has been wrought with tension.
He needs space. A lot of it. I irritate him so easily. He still says he loves me at least once a day but I doubt it. I don’t feel loved. It probably speaks more to my own issues- I have a terrible fear of abandonment. I have an anxious attachment style. I’ve been treating my depression and anxiety with meds and therapy the last 2 months and while I’ve noticed improvements…Rome wasn’t built in a day. I get upset if we only talk for like 10 minutes a day when we’re both home for hours. I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to have sex or watch an episode of something. Or just talk for 30 minutes. It’s at the point where I’m scared to knock on his door when we’re both home. One time I was away for 2 days and knocked on his door a few minutes after I came home and he told me not to do that and i cried. Most of the time, I wait for him to initiate contact. I feel like I *bother* him otherwise. I just want to feel wanted. Don’t get me wrong, I have my studies, my friends and Im an avid reader and like to paint, but if we’re both home for like 5 hours, surely it’s weird not to interact with me for a few minutes?? He should want to be around me if he “loves” me. I want to sleep in his room/him in mine twice a week and right now it’s like twice a month.
I would’ve ended it by now if we weren’t stuck in a lease for 6 more months. He has said the same. When I got upset over a lack of attention 2 weeks ago and was crying, he said he’s sick of feeling he can’t do enough for me and I’m clingy. He has said he loves me and he knows I’m “normal” (probably not) and he isn’t counting down the days till our leases are over but… How do I make the most of this situation? I think he likes me as a person but he doesn’t love me.
Edit: fwiw, it was *he* who suggested a relationship initially. I wanted sex right away, he wanted to wait. I think we waited a week from the first kiss? He also told me he loved me first. I don’t think it’s just a sex thing. Or wasn’t. I was initating half the time, maybe more. He’s very depress3d.
TLDR: How do you enjoy a relationship that has a deadline?
44 comments
It doesn’t sound like you’re enjoying the relationship at all, deadline or not. I’d end it and go back to just being roommates.
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You live with a guy you hooked up with. It’s not a relationship, he doesn’t love you, he’s not your boyfriend. He’s your roommate and you’ve fucked. That’s it.
He **told you** that he would’ve ended things with you if you weren’t stuck living together! That’s the same as ending things. Have some self-respect
Yes, you are very clingy. When a relationship is new, it’s understandable that you want to spend time with him, but you’re definitely taking it too far. Try to spend time with yourself, enjoy your own company, and be your own person away from your relationship. Things won’t feel better until you can be alone. It took me a long time in my own relationship to understand my partner’s needs for spending time with me, and once we were on the same page and spending a comfortable time both together and apart, our relationship blossomed. If you can’t get past your need to spend as much time with him as you want, I don’t think you’re going to be with him for much longer.
Honestly it sounds like you’d both be a lot happier if you went back to being platonic roommates for the remainder of your lease. What would you lose? You’re already unhappy with the amount of both sexual and nonsexual affection you’re getting. You already don’t have the attention you want from him. Just end it, and see if you can salvage a friendship or at least a less tense roommate situation rather than making each other miserable for another six months trying to have a type of relationship that isn’t working out for either of you.
That said, assuming that’s not something you’re going to do: I fall closer to his end of this spectrum, where I need a ton of alone time, sleep better alone, etc. It’s absolutely normal in my relationship to spend hours at home together not talking to each other. It’s not true that he “should” want to be around you as much as you want to be around him, if he loves you; his alone-time needs aren’t more or less valid than your couple-time needs. *But* that doesn’t mean he gets to be unkind about it or to make no effort to meet you partway here in doing things that make you feel loved. I wonder if it might go better for both of you if you had some sort of regularly planned couple thing – a standing Saturday night date, a morning catch-up over coffee, a pre-bed snuggle-and-chat most nights? Whatever works. But something that you would both know to expect, to ease your anxiety and that he could plan his alone time around, and that you wouldn’t have to keep negotiating with each other.
I understand wanting alone time, but a relationship is a commitment. My previous ex was clingy, but that’s just how she was. I was a jerk sometimes because during my me time she’d interrupt to show me something or ask a question and I’d be frustrated, but I would still keep to our routine.
Just treat him as a roommate. Do the things that you want to do and have fun. Whether it’s hanging with friends, watching shows, or other stuff. Ask him if he wants to chill and if he doesn’t want to then he misses out on some fun. Don’t let him live rent free if he’s not putting in the effort.
Seems like he might be either giving you mixed signals and telling you he loves you when he doesn’t because it’s benefiting him in whatever way, or he does have feelings for you but you’re not compatible enough to be living together from the get go.
It seems like he might be someone that needs a lot of space. Is he forced to interact with customers or peers while he’s out? He might need a lot of time alone when he’s home, and might not be living with other people because he wants to be. But it sounds like neither of you are very happy with the current arrangement. You’re probably not gonna change the guy, and you’ve admitted that the relationship is gonna be over in 6 months regardless of whether it’s platonic or more. Why not just move on now? There are other people out there, you’re not responsible for this guy’s emotions.
If the numbers wrt minutes of talking per day are correct, your desire for more talking time/hanging out time isn’t clingy at all. Clingy would be getting upset if he’s gone for 10 min out of those 5 hours. If he calls you clingy I think that’s a little bit of a gaslight honestly. 10 mins a day of social time together is not a lot, even for friends.
My sense of it is he wants you for sex on his terms and that’s it.
Look for a new place to live and find someone to sublet your half. You can also tell the landlord that that you guys broke up and you need to be released from the lease and ask them what your options are. This isn’t a healthy living situation for you.
If that’s not possible, lots of people have had to live with roommates in uncomfortable situations. Tell him you need to go back to just being roommates, stop having sex with him or engaging in relationship-like activities. Find a lot of hobbies and interests that take you out of the house as much as possible, and use your place only to eat and sleep. If you are going to be in your apartment, just stay in your room as much as possible. You don’t owe him extensive conversations about it, or any of your emotional energy or time.
Keep up with therapy. Stay away from people who treat you like you’re an appliance that came with the apartment.
Stop worrying about this relationship and worry about your mental health, the worst thing you could’ve done for yourself given your anxious attachment style is bond yourself to someone you live with and you need can you stop worrying about the “deadline” and look at the reality of the situation, this is not a relationship and he does not sound happy and neither do you. Instead of trying to spend the last months with him try to prioritize your mental health and move on because this is a really toxic living environment that is taking a toll on your mental well-being. He does not want to be with you and you need to stop trying to get his attention and instead focus on addressing the behaviors that lead to this toxic dynamic and how you can have more control over them next time. You seem to navigate situations like you are not in control of your decisions and somebody else gets a final say on what you do, that should not be the case.
>I have an anxious attachment style
It’s probably this. The more attached you get, the more pressure you put on them. The more they pull away, the more anxious you get. He might get tired just *worrying* that you’ll knock, making him “annoyed” even when you’re not doing anything.
It’s very difficult for both people.
10 minutes a day is not long though! That doesn’t really sound like a relationship
Space is super important in a relationship, whether you live together or not, and you absolutely must let him have it. Take his door closed as a clear sign that he is busy or taking some “me time”. You have to respect that. It’s unhealthy otherwise. You’ll burn him out. It could turn into a blow up.
>He should want to be around me if he “loves” me.
Not every waking moment, no. Avoid “If you loved me, you’d ___” phrases – they’re manipulative.
>if we’re both home for like 5 hours, surely it’s weird not to interact with me for a few minutes??
I need more context. Is it a get-home-from-work-and-we-never-see-each-other-the-rest-of-the-day type of situation? Do y’all eat dinner together? I find it strange if you don’t. That way you can “just talk for 30 minutes”.
>would’ve ended it by now if we weren’t stuck in a lease for 6 more months. He has said the same.
Pretty clear indication there’s nothing left to salvage.
I hooked up with my now wife the day my roommates let her move in to our apartment. I thought it was a one night stand before I learned she was staying with us, lol. I had just come home from a fishing trip with my friends so I came home drinking, we shared drinks and hooked up.
Anyway, she basically told me she had no plans of staying in a relationship, so I made sure not to have any expectations of this relationship lasting. However, I figured I might as well enjoy the ride while it lasts. 10 years later, and now married, I still have no expectations of her staying forever😅 . I put it in my mind that if she ever wants to leave, she’s free to do so.
So that’s basically my mindset now, and I am no longer afraid of being abandoned. I’ll stay on the ride as long as I can, but I’ll accept the end of the ride if that time ever comes. Whenever we do have arguments where I start to feel like she needs more than me, I just start thinking about all the things that will make me ok being on my own. Eg, I want to live in a houseboat, so that when that’s paid off, I now own a boat. She doesn’t want that, so I can’t have that. I prefer her to a boat, but hey, at least I’ll have a boat if she leaves me.
In past relationships, I had such a huge fear of my partners leaving me that I would push them away. I no longer push my partner away. If she needs space, I give it to her, hoping she comes back, but preparing for her not to. So far she’s always come back.
We have lived together since the day that we met. Try to learn to be ok without a relationship. Try to consider any time with him as a gift that you are not owed, because you do not own him; he is his own free agent. Try to accept that he’s free to leave at any time, and that you’ll be ok if that ever happens. Think about the good things about being single and free. There’s pros and cons to being in a relationship, just as there are to being single, so try to remember the pros of being single.
There’s nothing to make the most out of. Move on, mentally and emotionally.
Girl, you are a stage 4 clinger and I’m sure he is living in a nightmare now and regretting sleeping with you. Just being honest. Do you have anyone else you can get attention from, or hobbies/activities you can occupy yourself with? Preferably outside of your home? When he says he needs space, he means it, in the exact same way you feel like you need less space. Smothering him will make him like you less. Crying at the drop of a hat is pretty much the worst case scenario for him because now not only does he have to go against his own need for alone time but he has to comfort you and tell you what he thinks you want to hear to appease you. Honestly, cut the rope and move on. Go back to being room mates, you’re making his life a living hell.
This doesn’t sound like a relationship at all, sounds like he is just stringing you along perhaps for infrequent sex. It does sound like you are clingy bc this doesn’t even seem like an actual relationship to begin with by what you describe. It sounds like he avoids you. Just keep to yourself and figure out an exit plan.
He sounds avoidant, and you sound anxious attachment. Those two don’t mesh well
I would suggest that you plan to have one of you move.
Girl please respect yourself
Let’s be real. Your question isn’t “how do you enjoy a relationship that has a deadline?”
It’s more along the lines of, “I’ve been having sex with my roommate and caught feelings. I want a relationship but he doesn’t. How do I cope with my living situation?”
This is not healthy for either of you. He just wants sex, you want all of the emotional goods that a full-blown relationship entails.
I’m impressed your therapist has derailed you into focusing on your attachment style– and hasn’t told you to not have sex with this person (time for a new therapist?). *Please do not have sex with this person*. Please *do not* try and “enjoy” this “relationship”. You will be digging yourself even deeper, alone and afraid. Besides, the guy is a POS. He sees your condition and hears what you want, but keeps on using you, despite all the compulsory “ily”s. Come to your senses with the aid of your friends and loved ones and find a healthier home ASAP.
If you’re not enjoying it, don’t force yourself to date him just because there is a end-date. You CAN stop now, and probably should. You said yourself that you feel unloved and this sounds absolutely miserable – why do you want to be with someone who is irritated by you?
You’re clearly not enjoying this, so let yourself break it off now. It’s uncomfortable and difficult to live with an ex (doing it right now myself!) but honestly? It’s STILL better than living through a failing relationship for the sake of “we live together”.
Now that you know the REAL GUY——-You hooked up with Here, Make the most BY YOURSELF in the house and avoid this dude like the plaque. He wants no strings and is feeling STRANGULATED. I can tell. When the lease is Up——-Be able to move out. Even if it to a ROOM some place where he is not in your life. Forget him. Big Mistake Here, dear.
Girl, Jesus, just end this thing.
He says he’d be upset, but probably as a result of the loss of convenient access to sex whenever he’s in the mood for it. And that’s just not a good enough reason to keep this thing on life support. End it, let it be awkward for a week or two, and then find a workable version of normal until you can get out of this living arrangement. 6 months of feeling like shit over a guy who’s openly annoyed by your presence is not a reasonable thing to ask yourself to endure.
Is it possible to break the lease? Or sublet? I would talk to your landlord. If it’s not out of your price range it might be worth it for your mental health for the next 6 months.
I think he just wanted to f*ck tbh and got caught up. What you described is not what “love” is
You guys aren’t in a relationship.
You guys banged and now he’s over you. He got his fill and now he’s agitated because you’re expecting more from him when he isn’t reciprocating. You need to move on. He’s not a boyfriend, husband and he most certainly doesn’t even REMOTELY LIKE YOU on a basic human level.
Sorry OP but he doesn’t want you. Take this as a lesson and move out or ask him to move out so you two can sever ties permanently. Don’t play footsie over a relationship that never existed. Or look for another place to live and move—don’t even give him notice, only the landlord on your way out.
Don’t stick around with someone that hates your very presence. HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU.
Girl, you are a sex toy to him. He only uses you when he wants. He clearly doesn’t even like you, much less love you. Have some self respect and cut him off. Go on dates with other guys.
He sounds emotionally unavailable.
End the relationship and nothing will change he already treats you worse than garbage.
Do you even have a relationship? He doesn’t want to talk to you can calls you clingy for wanting to talk or watch an episode or idk hang out like normal couples.
> I doubt it. I don’t feel loved. It probably speaks more to my own issues- I have a terrible fear of abandonment.
…
> if we’re both home for like 5 hours, surely it’s weird not to interact
with me for a few minutes?? He should want to be around me if he “loves”
me.
It’s not your issues. He’s treating you like garbage unless he wants to get laid.
He does not love you. Stop fucking him.
sorry, i think the only solution is to move out.
Sorry, but from what you’ve described, it sounds like he wants easy sex. He’s not interested in the relationship, and I wouldn’t even call you clingy tbh. It’s normal to want to spend some time with your partner.
And he doesn’t want you knocking on his bedroom door? Why not? Like, seriously. Tell him that you’re ending it if you want to, and go back to being roommates (if he makes a problem of this, tell him he’s free to move out). If you don’t, then… good luck, I guess.
> he isn’t counting down the days till our leases are over but
..
That’s a very specific thing to say.
Clearly neither of your are enjoying the relationship anymore. Just say “hey, this isn’t working, let’s just go back to being roommates.”
What a miserable situation 🙁
Just end it and remain friendly until lease is up. Don’t torment yourself trying to get attention from someone that doesn’t want to give it anymore.
Stop knocking on his door or expecting anything from him. He’s a jerk that did a 180 after he got sex. Now you feel horrible. Sorry this happened to you but now is the time to stop any relationship w him and speaking to him altogether. He’s one of “those” guys. We call them fuckboys.
It sounds like you two just don’t mesh for the long term. I am a fairly independent person. Me and my partner maybe have three hours a day after work before we wind down for bed. We sleep in separate beds usually because I snore, and he’s an extremely light sleeper with insomnia. Some days we’ll spend all three of those hours together, other days we spend like ten minutes tops right before bed. Your love style isn’t WRONG, and there will be someone who loves you for it, but it’s not compatible with his.
Yall weren’t ready to be living together in this arrangement. Yall probably shouldn’t have slept together at all. If you’re unhappy, you need to end it. It only takes one person to end a relationship.
thats not a relationship. For your own sanity, break away from it.
Can you or him sublet one of your rooms till the end of the lease? I lived with an ex for 4 months cause I didn’t want to break a lease.. but honestly at the cost of my mental health? It was horrible. You can break a lease if you have to. It won’t be the end of you, but it will help your mental health to get outta there asap.
Well you seem to know deep down this isn’t the one for you, but that doesn’t mean it was all a lie or that you wasted your time. Sometimes you just gotta appreciate what life has to teach us at any given time, even if its painful. Good luck though. Just be more selfish with who you give your love to.
You guys aren’t right for each other, and you both know it. So the time to break up is right now.
Stop thinking of him as a boyfriend and start thinking of him as a roommate. If it’s something that roommates do, continue doing it. If it’s something that is not a normal part of being a roommate, you don’t. So no more sex or kissing or snuggling, and no more leaning on him emotionally. But you can share a meal or watch tv together or have a friendly conversation.
Figure out a way to amicably share the living area without smothering each other. Set up your room so that you can spend extended times there and still be able to entertain yourself.
Throw yourself into work and hobbies. Lean on your friends and family to keep you company. Update your tinder. Start looking to where you want to move to when your lease is up.
Oh, and if he starts crossing your boundaries and being too intimate, put your foot down. He doesn’t get to be schrodinger’s boyfriend. You already know that he doesn’t work as a boyfriend, so he needs to stay on the roommate side of the fence.
OP, you absolutely deserve to not only be loved, feel loved, and appreciated.
Please do not accept anything less.
Sounds like your roommate lied to you about how much he liked talking to you to get you in bed, and then once he lost interest stopped bothering to do that.
IMO, the way you make the most out of this situation is you *consider yourself broken up with* and resume behaving as you would if you were single. (Bonus points if that happens to include finding a better dude to date, though obviously don’t bring anyone home just to make your roommate jealous or whatever, only do that if you find someone you’d also have wanted to bring home if you lived alone.)
You don’t have to stay in a relationship just because you live together. I mean, it doesn’t really sound like you are in a relationship. It sounds like you were both horny, and he turned it into something else probably out of guilt or shame or some moral highground or just simply wanting to maintain access to your body at his convenience.
End it, give him his space. All of it. And just start dating or fucking whoever you want if that’s what you want to do. You don’t owe him anything.
FWIW me and my partner got together and from day 1 would spend a shitload of time together just enjoying each others company (and a lot of sex, but really just being present together in all ways). We moved in together after like 6 months because they were priced out of their apt and it was that or move out of state, so it was faster than we would have opted for at the time, but I had space and we figured wth. We both need solo time. We made sure to communicate that upfront. They had their own room. But I don’t think it was ever slept in. I’m not saying there were no speed bumps where we needed to figure out how to communicate and give each other space, but I guess my point is we love each other and want to spend time together and to this day 5 years and a kid later, we still can’t help but spend all of our free time in the same room together (despite having space to go do our own thing in separate areas). We still ask for and provide solo time to each other as needed weekly, but we genuinely enjoy each other’s company, and it relieves stress to spend time together. This relationship style isn’t for everyone, but it sounds like that is what you are looking for, and your roommate is never going to be that. Cut your losses, it has only been a few months don’t drag it out and suffer more for it.