My husband and I are not in financial trouble but we aren’t exactly rolling in it. We got married last year at a small luncheon with our family so we didn’t have to pay for a 30k wedding. If all things stayed the same we would be financially comfortable but we want to buy a house and we want to start a fam in maybe 2-3 years. So for these reasons we made a plan this year to work on cutting back our own pleasure expenses and both look for new better paying jobs.
So one big thing we are cutting is our yearly vacation. We’ve gone to a different country for the past 4 years and I suggested we skip this year (or so just like a 3-4 day trip to somewhere within driving distance instead) which is sad but the $5k would be better used towards a down payment. I had my third round interview for a new job starting in April with a pretty significant raise and he is studying for an exam to get a new certification in his field.
The one thing that is really bugging me is he, being the oldest son, is the one who constantly treats for his family. Examples, we went over to his parents for lunch on Sunday, he bought the meal to bring over for everyone. His mom wants a new cell phone, he gave her $100 towards it. If we go out it’s expected he covers his parents, but then if I want us to go out I get a lecture that we are trying to save money. His brother…who is unemployed….is going on vacation for a few days (his sister bought the trip for him) and my husband paid for his Uber to the airport.
The last one sent me over the edge a bit because we’re cutting out trip, why are we paying for someone else’s travel expenses? Who doesn’t work (there is absolutely nothing wrong my BIL, he isn’t disabled or unskilled, he just chooses not to work and lives with his mother expense free at 41 y/o). I had a talk with my husband on the way back from lunch that he has to stop supporting the wants of his family members while we are in cut back mode. We may be able to be more generous one day but now is not that time. I also work like 3 extra side hustles so to be busting my butt to watch him pay for someone else’s Uber makes me pretty upset. Because of course me being tired also rolls into less sexy time which makes us both frustrated. (If it matters at all we are late 30s/early 40s).
I feel a bit out of line because at the end of the day it’s HIS money and HIS family (we don’t have a joint account, we split all our bills, but are saving for the house together) but we’re married now so it really is OUR money. I also get nervous because it’s well known that money is a very big stressor in relationships. He has about $12k saved, but right now we are also working on paying down about $10k in cc debt and then everything else will go into savings. The goal is to buy a house by the end of 2024, and then try for a baby in 2025.
7 comments
Look up Dave Ramsey and use his program to get on the same page financially. It’s super basic personal finance information, but my fiancé and I have a million dollar network together and still did his 9 week class just to solidify and talk about how to handle money.
Being generous is great. I love treating my family. I’ve taken my parents/siblings on vacation in the past and it’s awesome. But once you’re married that has to be a joint decision and you need to be in a solid financial position to do it. I have not spent on my family since getting engaged because all of our “extra” money is going towards the wedding.
For you buying a house is super important. Getting rid of the credit card debt is a MUST. You literally cannot afford to give anyone else a dollar if you have credit card debt. That’s crazy.
Your household/family comes first. And his classes/books/podcast will show you how to get to the position where you can be super generous with money again which is the ultimate goal. You just don’t want it to be at the expense of your wife/home/future child.
You absolutely can,
Once married, that is the family.
You are your husbands family. (Kids as well if applicable)
Parents, siblings and so on are extended family and MIL, FIL, BIL etc are distant family.
I absolutely would tell him. This would be a fight for us because we don’t have HIS money, we have OUR money.
It is absolutely your place. He is allowed to have his differing opinions and feelings on it, but you are now a married couple trying to build a life together, so this is a huge thing that needs to be resolved before you buy a house and have children together!
Financial decisions are as much your decision as his.
When you get married it is OUR money and OUR financial goals/priorities.
Once my husband and I married, “my money” and “his money” became “our money”, so yes, I do think it would be okay to have a conversation about this. Though it’s great that he is generous to his family with money, they are not his responsibility.