Me and my boyfriend Tom have been together for little over one year. Its been great so far, except that his twin sister Tracy has a tendency to be possessive and controlling towards him. It doesn’t happen all the time but I have noticed that sometimes he doesn’t stand up for himself if she wants something.
For example, Thursdays are the only day off in the week that both of us have off so we can spend all day together but she wanted him to go gift shopping for their moms birthday, couldn’t it have waited a few days? We were making plans to go to a Mexican resort for a week but Tracy said she didn’t want him going there because she heard stories of it not being safe so now he no longer wants to go to Mexico and wants to go somewhere else.
Hes not a morning person but he will wake up at 8AM 3 days a week to go to the gym with her because she asked him to. Small stuff like that.
She isn’t “evil” or a bad person, she is nice and we get along, but I think she has way too much control over Tom, he just rolls over for her. He doesn’t do that for his older sister, mom, aunt ETC. Just Tracy and I think its been this way his whole life. I causally asked him about this and he said he likes to keep his sister happy, but I don’t think he realizes how he doesn’t really stand up to her.
I understand that because she is his twin, she has an enormous amount of power, but I would like to know how (and if) I can scale back her influence.
TLDR: My boyfriends sister is a little too controlling towards him
5 comments
Personal opinion here, but I feel like this is fine. Her influence seems quite beneficial to him, and as your relationship progresses, you will gradually gain more influence than her in his life.
I get that you might want him for yourself entirely, but it doesn’t seem unhealthy enough for you to actively try and « scale back her influence ».
>I understand that because she is his twin, she has an enormous amount of power, but I would like to know how (and if) I can scale back her influence.
The twin bond is not likely to change. *You* can not scale back her influence, on *he* can make that happen (if he chooses to).
What you can do is set boundaries where his sister is nudging into your relationship with your BF
*Thursdays – if this is the day your Bf made a commitment to be with you, all day, know that sometimes things will come up that make it not possible. Surely, spending a few hours on one Thursday to gift shop for moms birthday doesn’t seem too crazy. But if the two of you decide to hold Thursdays off limits to all others (except for emergencies or agreed upon plan changes), then the two of you should discuss.
* Mexico – sister had no right to interfere in your vacation plans. Did she persuade him that it was dangerous, or is he not wanting to go to appease her fears?
*Gym mornings – that one is not really your business. Maybe he’s not a morning person, but he makes that sacrifice to spend time with his sister. This one is not your business
Overall, you are not competing with his sister. Just talk to him about your need to feel loved and prioritized. And you need to be able to accept that he has a strong bond with his twin. Now, if his sister is always priority #1 and it leaves you feeling neglected, then you may need to walk away.
It’s understandable that you want to protect your sister, but it doesn’t seem fair that she has so much control over your relationship! Maybe you can both talk it out and find a better balance.
Honestly it seems like you’re the one with the control issues here. Sounds like he and his sister have a good relationship, and he doesn’t mind making some sacrifices (like getting up early) for her. You seem to feel threatened by that and have decided on your boyfriend’s behalf that his family dynamic is bad.
You say you want him to “stand up for himself.” Sounds like you’re misreading the whole situation and projecting your own insecurity on him. You don’t get to decide for him that he is being controlled in a bad way or that there’s any problem with him and his sister. That in itself is possessive and controlling on your part.
You are not in competition with his sister or anyone or anything else. You’re creating a problem where there is none. It’s fine if you want him to hang out with you on your day off, but don’t blow that out of proportion and put him in the middle of a tug-of-war between the two of you over who gets to “control” him and his time. He’s a big boy who can manage his own time and his own relationship with sister.
Either accept his relationship with his sister or leave. Don’t try to change his family to suit you. You’re talking about driving a wedge between siblings and creating conflict between them because you’re jealous. That’s not cool.
Get her a boyfriend. Then, her time and attention is occupied