Hi everyone. My last relationship all around was emotionally abusive. Gaslighting, guilt tripping, manipulation etc.
When I was dating him, we would attempt to have sex and I would be too tight, because of how anxious he made me and the fact that I was a virgin, so it wouldn’t work… he would then get frustrated with me. It would leave me feeling horrible and guilty about something I couldn’t control.
Fast forward, I am now in a healthy relationship and we tried having sex for the first time. It ended up not working for a few reasons, and my partner was completely fine about it and not mad at all. I immediately went into panic mode and started getting upset. I wasn’t sure why I was upset in the moment, but looking back I believe it was because of what would happen in the past with my ex. Is this sexual trauma? I don’t really know what to consider this. I don’t know how to go about this either and was hoping some people had advice 🙂
3 comments
I would consider this sex trauma, and i would recomand going ti a therapist. Find a therapist specialized in sexual problems, go by yourself a few times, then take your boyfriend with you
Ultimately this is above Reddit’s paygrade, we may be able to give you some advice but it’s likely that to get to the bottom of it you need to see someone professional.
With that said, it doesn’t seem entirely unlikely that you’re experiencing some sort of trauma stemming from your previous relationship, and the fact that you’ve identified this as a possible source after some reflecting makes it even more likely.
Ultimately only you can decide if you think you need professional help to process this or not. It also seems like your current boyfriend is empathic and understanding and that’s great.
However there’s two things to keep in mind here.
Firstly, just because he is supportive right now doesn’t mean he’ll always be, do not put him on a pedestal because he showed basic decency in this case, and if that ever changes do not feel any obligation to appease him because he did something right at one point.
Secondly, as hard as it seems, this is your trauma. It’s yours to deal with, and even though you may be hurt, you do not have the right to pass that on to someone else. Now this isn’t fair and it sucks, because you didn’t do anything to deserve this, but neither did he.
If he truly is supportive and understanding, you need to be very careful about what you unload on him, being frustrated about the situation is totally fine, taking that frustration out on him is not.
From someone that survived a very similar situation, yes, this is sexual trauma. But the good news is, *it gets better*. I can recommend counseling, or reaching out to someone you trust (best friend, your mother, if they know, etc.)
In situations like the one you were in, your brain learns to expect specific responses and react accordingly. Your partner seems like a good match for you; have you disclosed this part of your past to them? If not, are you comfortable doing so? There is no rush, but there is also the possibility they can put you more at ease when this situation arises with them.
I understand that circumstances like these can make relationships really hard. I’m in a healthy relationship now, 3 years after my abuse has ended, and am still unlearning behaviors that were ingrained into me. You are strong, and this community believes in you. It gets better 🙂