Confidence isn’t the Answer

The self-help industry is rife with gurus who claim to have the answer to your social anxiety and relational failure. Just like many other industries, the grift stops when the problem goes away. Instead of fixing the social suffering of their clients and students, those same gurus use seductive messages and empty platitudes to trick the average person into feeling momentarily better. However, after a session or coaching, they will go home only to experience the same dissatisfaction and ultimately spend countless hours scouring the internet, wondering how they’ll ever overcome their under-socialization. How do they do this? Simple: These Gurus only fix negative emotions rather than giving practicable skills that will ultimately alleviate social suffering.

**The Big Lie: “Just Be Confident”**

The movie “I Feel Pretty” starring Amy Schumer provides a powerful example of this issue. In the movie, Schumer’s character is knocked out and wakes up delusional following a head injury. After her accident, she looks in the mirror and sees herself, but instead of seeing herself as she normally would, she sees herself as profoundly attractive. Her self-confidence is blown through the roof, and the remainder of the movie follows her success as a result of this newfound confidence. Or at least, this is how the average person interprets what gives her success.

Here is the truth: Confidence does not make people desirable. Rather, it is the behaviors commonly associated with confidence that truly attract others. This is an important distinction because it is not the feeling or sensation of confidence that creates social desireability. Enthusiasm, gregariousness, openness to experience, playfulness, and social selectiveness are the key traits that make someone truly attractive. It is only once Schumer’s character starts exhibiting these behaviors that she actually starts getting success, confidence was merely a byproduct.

They enable individuals to connect with others, to explore new ideas and experiences, and to simply enjoy each other’s company. While feeling confident can give you the motivation to act on these behaviors it is the active expression of these qualities alone that creates a genuine sense of attraction and appeal. Ultimately, it is those who are open, playful, and genuinely excited about life who are the most magnetic to others. What’s more important: Enthusiasm, gregariousness, openness to experience, playfulness, and social selectiveness are all behaviors that can be measurably practiced and strengthened, whether the feeling of confidence is there or not.