I’m (24M) aware I’m in a toxic relationship with my (22F) girlfriend.

First, I would like to clarify some things about my partner and me.

She has always been very affectionate. Her love language is very physical, and she only feels comfortable when we are together and either cuddling or at least within arm’s reach. Since I met her, she has had a problem with her libido, and she would describe herself as hypersexual. Something that also defines her is that she is very expressive of her emotions, which is what made me fall in love with her.

On the other hand, I am not very good at expressing my emotions, and I have problems with physical affection to the point where it sometimes repels me. I also have a problem with my loved ones leaving me, but at the same time, I have many difficulties forming bonds with new people.

In the last two years, I have had to deal with the death of my parents, the distance from my siblings, and my friends moving to other cities or countries, to the point where my partner is the only person who is physically there for me.

At first, the difference in love languages was not a problem, but eventually it was. There were times when I needed breaks from her, but she would go into a crisis if I told her or say that I needed to try harder to be better.

About a year ago, I went through a stage in my life where my stress levels were through the roof, causing my sexual desire to drop to zero levels. My sex life turned into only having sex to satisfy her needs. Eventually, this broke me, and I would ask her not to have sex. She would cry and accept my terms, which was a lie because days later, she would try everything to have sex with me, which made me very uncomfortable. Eventually, from denying her so many times, she started making hurtful comments about how I had erectile dysfunction or that I had become gay, etc. Her comments became so hurtful that I began to force myself more and more to have sex with her. Eventually, I was disgusted with myself when I looked in the mirror.

By this point, I hated my situation, but I didn’t leave because I felt emotionally dependent on her.

Six months ago, I made a mistake. A friend I had known for a long time contacted me again. We talked a lot and became close. She was flirty at times, and I would correspond because it made me feel loved. I know it’s not an excuse, I’m just talking about how I felt.

One day, my girlfriend saw the messages and started making very hurtful comments, which I KNOW I DESERVED. We didn’t break up, but our relationship became even more toxic. We have problems every moment, she reminds me of what I did and makes me suffer again because, in her words, I need to suffer the same hell she did. I know I did wrong, and it was a selfish attack that made me not want to tell her.

I have talked a lot about the bad, but there are also many positive things. To some extent, she is my best friend and makes me feel understood. What terrifies me is that this feeling may be the denial that causes my dependence.

Many times I feel completely helpless because she decides to blame me for everything, and I can do nothing but endure everything she has to say if I want to continue the relationship.

I know I’m an asshole but I’m confused.

I wanna do better.

I’m writing this after a fight we had, and I need to vent a little regardless of the comments.