Me (40m) and my girlfriend (47f) have been through some pretty rocky times in the few years of our relationship.
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Her response to even the slightest conflict (for example, a change in tone during a disagreement) is to escalate and ultimately threaten to leave. I already feel like I’m the one who ‘persuades’ her that we’re actually OK and I’ve asked her to see if she can not react so harshly. I’ve also changed various things about my behaviour to try and improve the situation.
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Recently she started a new job, after we met her now boss at a party. We both laughed at him at first (not nice, I know), but he was sleazy and slurring his words. Anyway, it turns out he could offer her a job which is very much needed. She’s been working there 2 months now. She doesn’t criticise him any more, in fact the opposite. A couple of weeks ago she went for beers with him after work (which I have no issue with) and it emerged later she paid, but not using our shared card which we always use for this kind of thing. She blamed this on me, saying I would have overreacted. I wouldn’t, but I let it slide and told her I never have an issue with her going for beers with him.
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After an argument last week, I caught her in a small lie when she claimed she had been waiting for me to pick her up at work, but my front gate had already sent me a notification when she arrived home(it does for anyone arriving, deliveries etc). The next morning after that argument, while we were still in the process of calming it down, she went in to work on a day she doesn’t work, as she said there was some sort of tradition to give security workers some cake. Later that day, after she got back, she asked me to translate a text for her (often she misinterprets texts from her ex husband), and when she opened WhatsApp web, the chats updated on the left and I saw her boss had sent her a picture and a message – but when I asked her about this she showed me and they were gone. She had deleted them. I confronted her and after me being insistent, she finally admitted that he had sent her a picture, and that it was a picture of a beer they had had together (the morning of the ‘tradition’) which she didn’t want me to see and freak out about. She maintains that there was no text message, but I saw it. It said something about a ‘lifeline’.
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I’ve never had any issue with trusting her, but I am now really feeling like something is going on. I have calmly brought this up with her, and she even admitted that she had been talking badly about me to him that morning – but refuses to say what was said. If I raise any of the lies, I’m basically told I’m insecure and that she’s fed up of the arguments. However, I really do not trust her right now. I genuinely don’t. And any attempt to gain trust back through talking to her is shut down and she attacks me.
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I’m struggling to hold it together as they are now also working together (alone) all day every day. Before the lies above I never had an issue with this situation. I now actually am insecure, from the combination of the threats she always makes to leave, and the lies I have discovered. But she doesn’t seem to be prepared to put my mind to rest. As I mentioned above, I feel like I’m always the one persuading her that we’re OK and she is the one who criticises everything about us and gives me the feeling that she wants to leave.
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I don’t know what to do…
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TL/DR – I have lost trust in my girlfriend and our relationship, and don’t see how to get it back because I get shut down if I try to raise it.
8 comments
Why are you trying to find the solution to her behaviour when she isn’t even admitting to it? You can’t find trust if she doesn’t see an issue.
How can you resolve problems with someone who refuses to communicate? Well…. you can’t. Resolving issues would require communication. If she shuts down, she is using that as a tactic to get you to just let it go. We all screw up in relationships, we just need to be willing to admit to our mistakes, and try not to repeat them.
Sounds sketchy and the fact that she plays on you being insecure is gaslighty.
Trust requires honest communication and right now, you’re not getting that. Instead, she’s actively hiding things from you. That being said, what you’ve described of your relationship doesn’t sound terribly healthy even before this job. You two sound somewhat incompatible primarily because she doesn’t communicate well.
If I were in your shoes, I might consider one final attempt to discuss the relationship with her but if the conversation didn’t go well, I’d be ending the relationship. You need someone who puts you first, who respects the relationship, and who respects you. Right now, you simply don’t have that.
A lot of times people say they’re insecure about a situation with their partner and they’re blaming themselves for that. “I’m insecure”. But they/you are insecure because their partner is actually not trustworthy and is doing things that a rational person would find troubling. The actual logical reaction is to feel insecure when your partner behaves in a manner that disrespects you.
Your girlfriend is being shady with her boss. Her way of keeping you in line is to threaten to leave, because then suddenly YOU are the one on the defensive, trying to bring her back down.
Why though? You’re never going to “improve”; her doing that isn’t a reflection of things you’ve actually done. It’s a power play. Threatening to leave when she knows it’ll make you cave is just a toxic manipulation tactic so that she always gets her way.
How do you fix that? You don’t. This is something teenagers do and hopefully grow out of. When a 47 year old is doing it I’m gonna say it’s too late. Because to get her to change it, you’d have to have a discussion with her about it where she took your needs and concerns with respect and care, which she seems incapable of doing.
Honestly, you can’t fix the trust issue here. It’s not your job it’s hers.
>I already feel like I’m the one who ‘persuades’ her that we’re actually OK and I’ve asked her to see if she can not react so harshly.
It sounds like you actually were not ok she has been uncomfortable about something for a while. You should address this and her not wanting to argue and resolve your issues.
My guess is she needed to vent and did so with the boss. That being said, her being sneaky about this is suspicious. Even if it was something simply, it has damaged your trust. Don’t drop it a partner needs to talk not run away. She is running.
> had deleted them.
Right in front of u in that moment?
> badly about me to him that morning – but refuses to say what was said.
Nope, im out. F that.
>However, I really do not trust her right now. I genuinely don’t. A
Then theres no relationship.
>and gives me the feeling that she wants to leave.
So let her go.
This is going to suck for you because now you’re going to have to start snooping. Been there. Word to the wise, it doesn’t get better.