We have been married almost 10 years.
TLDR: My partner is not physically abusive, but can be controlling in a few aspects which make me uneasy.
He often makes comments about what I wear out in public, specifically towards leggings and that he can see my “ass” (not see-through leggings, but just being able to see panty lines). I stopped wearing underwear with leggings for a while because of this. Fairly recently, I was getting changed for bed and he saw that I was wearing panties and spent a few minutes questioning me as to why I was wearing them. He has also, on more than one occasion, made comments to me when he has seen other men “checking me out”.. the most recent occurrence was worded as “don’t think I didn’t see that”.
Last week I got home from work, showered&shaved, went up to bed.. he immediately noticed I had shaved and kept asking why, then proceeded to accuse me of sleeping with coworkers.
I had spent an extra 15 minutes at work a few days before, only because we work with 2 people on a shift and then have to give turnover. I enjoy talking with the lady who relieved me so I spent a little extra time speaking with her. He had called me the minute I was supposed to be leaving, I sent him a message saying I was still at work and then called him back when I was walking out to my car. He asked what I was doing, why I hadn’t left yet and quickly became pretty stern saying “it’s time to come home”.
I feel like he has a need to keep tabs on me when I’m off from work and he isn’t – calling/video chatting me throughout the day to see what I’m doing. If I go out somewhere, he needs to know where and if anyone else is with me. He frequently checks our indoor/outdoor cameras and will message me asking where I’m going if he notices me leaving.
He becomes visibly annoyed when I pick up overtime, even if it’s during times that he is at work as well. If I get mandated for a shift or any minor inconvenience occurs, he will tell me that I need to quit my job (despite it being a well-paying position with good benefits, a pension and carrying health insurance for our family). It is very upsetting on my part because I know the risks/sacrifices that come with my job and it is what I agreed to.
We also had an incident come up about 2 years ago where I caught him taking nude photos of me without my knowledge, and come to find out there was 40+ more photos I didn’t know about. He didn’t see a problem with it because we’re married, but my thoughts are: he could have just asked, and if he didn’t think it was wrong, why do it so many times without my knowledge? As someone who has SA trauma, it did not sit well with me and gave me increased anxiety.
A little over a year ago I overcame a fear of mine and began seeing a therapist 1x per week. When he caught wind of me going, he questioned why and asked why I couldn’t just talk to him about things/my problems. He was bothered that I wanted to discuss my life with a stranger, but not with him. In his defense, I did not tell him I would be seeing a therapist, but only because I knew just how he would react. However, there have been moments where I tried to talk to him about things and get no response/feedback/validation whatsoever because he “doesn’t know what to say”, which is very discouraging on my part and makes it difficult to open up.
There’s more, but this is already a lot to get through so I apologize and I appreciate you if you made it this far.
I really struggle with classifying this as abusive behavior pr even a precursor to abusive behavior, but I feel like I know better as well.
5 comments
It’s way, way controlling. Scary.
I have noticed that men who cheat projected onto their partners. I would start keeping an eye out around him. I wouldn’t call him abusive until he actually does something. He has anger issues for sure and is closed off. But until he puts his hands on you, it’s one of those labels you don’t want to put on somebody.
I just wanted to say thank you to those who have taken the time to respond. I’m not sure why responses appear to be auto-deleting, but I am able to see a small portion of them in my notifications.
This is wayyyyy in the red zone of controlling/abusive behaviour. It’s what’s known as coercive control, which has recently been criminalised here in Australia. It’s also one of the biggest precursors/indicators for men who eventually go on to murder their female partners and/or their children. I would get the absolute hell out of this marriage if I were you.
Yikes this dude is super ins3cure and controlling. You seeing a therapist is like you seeing a gyno, none of his fucking business. And the fact he doesn’t want you talk8ng about your relationship to outsiders is a big red flag.