\*\*TL;DR;\*\* : I (24M) screwed up and she (24F) wants some time to think. When would be the right time for me to reach out if I want to check in on her?
Hi all,
Did not know I would wound up being one of the Ops talking about this issue. As a basis, I had never been in a serious relationship in that I have never genuinely communicated about marriage to the other party, so I am still a bit frantic about all the situations I have right now.
My girlfriend and I had been together for about a year (24M and 24F), and we are semi-living together. By “semi-living together,” I mean that I am still in school (ivy league, talked about the future goal that I want to achieve while actively working towards it which she sees as well,) and she completed her master’s degree last year so she pays her rent for her place and I spend a few days every week or two at her place.
She has an established career building since a couple of years ago, which turned us into LDR last year, and we had been making it work since it is only a 120-mile drive, thankfully.
Recently, I had been struggling with self-confidence issues from the differences in earnings (she makes roughly 3x of what I make) that prevented me from seeing the positive side of the relationship but rather helped me emphasize the negative side.
Due to this issue, I gave a hard time to her by dragging her down with my negativity, and an incident ended up breaking out.
Last week, I got into an argument with her based on our personal beliefs (I am a bit more conservative-leaning and she is the opposite) and it made me say things that I did not mean – I called her an asshole and a shitty person for belittling me when she criticized me for a question I asked months ago about the topic that we were talking about, and I took it as a belittlement that she was looking down on me because she thought she was better than me or other similar reasons. I understand that this was a huge misunderstanding on my part that I should not have overreacted, but the complex of not being born in the US led me to think that this was a personal attack.
She and I had about three days of no contact, after which I reached out to her and asked to talk because I could not work with silence. I drove over to her house, asked her if she was okay to talk, and was allowed in after she acknowledged that she would talk.
We talked for several hours about our differences in thoughts and how I screwed up assuming the meaning behind what she said without fully thinking that she did not go as far as I thought she did. I acknowledged that I made a mistake that I cannot take back, and I frankly told her that it would be selfish of me to simply apologize and promise to do better after how much I screwed up. However, I did promise her that this was way beyond the shortness of my thinking, and I really do want to commit myself to fix this problem.
She told me that even though her heart wants me so badly, she does not know what to do other than walk away from the relationship because her head is saying that it logically does not make sense to stay in the relationship after what she has been through, and I had no courage to ask her to reconsider that realizing how I screwed up. After about 5 hours since I got to her place, I had to leave as it was Sunday evening, and she told me that she just needs some time to think.
While I do not want to be overly negative or positive, my understanding given the context was that she wants to stay in the relationship but she needs a bit of time to rethink what is her head and really re-evaluate if she truly wants to stay in the relationship or if she is simply not able to get over her emotions that she’s had in the past 13 months.
It’s been three days since then, and she stopped responding to the daily streak – she sent me a streak snap first the day after I visited her, so I understood it as if it is okay to send a streak snap given her boundaries. She had been posting Instagram stories almost daily, and she suddenly stopped.
I trust that she has her way of processing emotions and that she is mature enough not to play emotion games. However, I cannot stop but wonder what is going on because she recently accused me of talking to another woman all of a sudden. My experiences pointed this towards her having a different side of her life other than me, but I trust her more than enough to worry about her cheating; I believe that she would rather tell me if she was seeing someone else rather than keep it going. This recent accusation is putting more weight into the thought that she is getting closer to the thought that she no longer wants to be in the relationship, what would be the most appropriate action for me to take here?
Here is the draft of my text to her either later tonight or tomorrow night if reaching out on the 3rd or 4th day is normal. For context, this is the longest silence we have ever had, and we had a problem when I did not want to communicate with her for three days in the past, which I have fixed realizing how toxic it is to ignore someone like that whether I need space or not. Should I reach out to her either later tonight or tomorrow night with the text below or wait until one week mark? I trust that she will make a wise decision for herself, but not knowing a timeframe is affecting me more than I thought it would. Thank you everyone!
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Hi,
I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to reach out and carefully ask you about the time and space you asked for. I understand that you need some time to yourself, and I respect that completely. I don’t want to pressure you or make you feel uncomfortable in any way.
I was just wondering if you could give me an idea of how much more time you might need, or if you have any thoughts about when we might be able to talk again. I want to make sure that I’m being respectful of your needs and boundaries, while also making sure that we’re on the same page.
Please let me know if I may provide you with anything. Take all the time you need, and I will be here when you are ready.
Take care
\[OP’s name here\]
8 comments
Why would you want to ignore what she’s outright told you that she needs?
You shouldn’t talk to her until you’ve worked on your massive insecurity issues.
Just let her go. She deserves boyfriend who is confident and doesn’t verbally abuse her. Counseling for you is in order so you can learn how to have disagreements without devolving into name calling. Better luck next time!
You don’t do a thing. You let her reach out when she is ready.
Your deep insecurities are not attractive to her. After your 5h chat, she told you she was walking away from the relationship. Its over, move-on, while your dignity is still barely intact.
Sounds to me like she broke up with you but you chose not to understand that. She’s probably hoping you get the hint by not engaging with you.
Leave her alone until she contacts you. Honestly I think she’s your ex at this point but you dropped some serious red flags. She’s asking herself if she’s willing to put with that kind of treatment 6 months from now. A year from now. 5 years from now. Your past behavior is all she has to go on as to how you will act in the future. Again, leave her alone.
It sounded like she actually broke up with you…not a clean break however. I totally “get” it. It’s always hard to just let go, but I think she’s made up her mind…
She did say she wants time to think about it. But it doesn’t seem like you guys actually did any time ‘apart’ because you guys were still doing whatever it was (streak snap?). She probably decided to take that time to think and let go. That’s why she stopped and she didn’t update her Instagram.
You probably should at least, give her a week of no contact. Or two.