My wife had been in a “friendship” with a woman who basically used her. She said it started innocently enough but went from giving her rides and hanging out to being guilted into getting her off sexually. This was before we met , she was single at the time and her “friend” was married. She said on the nights it would get sexual her friend always made sure she was pouring drinks, initiate and would guilt trip her into doing it if she didn’t comply, when they weren’t drinking it never happened. My wife said the first time she was experimenting but after that she was not really interested but was afraid of losing her friend. She also told me she always felt ashamed and wouldn’t have done it if she was sober at the time. It happened a handful of times until the woman tried last minute to involve her husband without telling my wife he was even home at the time ,claiming it was spur of the moment and he was only going to “watch” though my wife said seemed premeditated on their part. She ran out of the house after she was told to undress by her friend even after she told her that she was not comfortable with him being there. She never even talked to the husband prior in all of her visits. He was never home when they fooled around before and quite frankly creeped her out she admitted. My wife then stopped talking to her for months but forgave her when she reached out ,apologized and continued to be her friend although she stopped anything sexual with her and never would go into her house after that. She was constantly being manipulated by this woman up until she moved out of state, which was before we met. My wife still remained more like internet friends with her up until a few months ago. My wife only recently told me about this part of the relationship recently and what had happened, we’ve been together 10 years. I know it shouldn’t bother me since she’s out of her life now and it happened before we were together but it still does alittle. Maybe because she couldn’t see she was being used? Maybe because I was friends with the woman on FB as well because of my wife and was never told about any of this? I knew she was at a low point in her life at the time, she’s told me so. She was lonely and just wanted a friend. She said she didn’t want to see the ugly at the time, blocked it our and tried to see any good that came from the relationship. Only recently has she begun to confront what had happened because of a falling out between them. It frustrates me that I even am concerned about this. We’re happy, just feel that she should’ve told me this at the start of our relationship. I know that her feelings and how she coping is most important. I would do anything for her, I’ve supported her in everything. I just want to get over this so I can be as strong as I can be to help her gain closure.
11 comments
Stop making this about how you feel and be there for your wife as she works through this. This isn’t about your feelings. You need a space to share those but not with your wife. Find a personal therapist. You can tell them anything. Do not let this come between you.
Your wife need to see a therapist, she has been SA and GRaped by a “friend”. That is not okay and she needs professional help. Also this “friend” sounds like a narcissist and I assume your wife might be a people pleaser.. She also needs to work with her therapist about the people pleasing as well and her fear of abandonment issues as well..
all in all its a horrible thing that happened to her and its not her fault but she needs professional help to process what happened and how to heal from it
Yeah, that doesn’t sound like experimenting, that sounds like assault. She really should work with a therapist to address her guilt/shame from this. She didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t see it being healthy remaining friends with her though.
I’m sure this is difficult for you for any number of reasons.
I was assaulted and taken advantage of in ways that your wife’s story reminds me of; it’s natural for you, her loyal and loving partner, to be defensive of her. It’s natural to be upset.
Personally, what I would need would be a lot of affection and kindness. I’m sure you are already providing that, but continue being gentle and reminding her that this wasn’t her fault. In response to your statement wondering how she could let this happen: you didn’t list ages here, but it’s really easy to be oblivious to this sort of abuse, especially when you’re in a fragile state.
She’s embarrassed and ashamed, it’s a beautiful thing that she was able to open up about this and that *you* have done the work to make sure she trusted you enough for her to be able to do so.
Keep her feeling safe, I’m glad to have read that you guys are in/seeking therapy. I think it’s really important too to remember that your big feelings about this won’t just go away either. It’s important not to blame her or treat her differently, but *you* are allowed to have those big feelings too, and I think it would be good to communicate them to her in your own time. It won’t do either of you individually or your relationship to deal with this on your own. It’s always better to talk about it and let yourselves grow together by being mutually vulnerable. It sounds like you’ve curated a really safe and loving environment, time to keep that up and reap the rewards!
Here’s something I have learned over the years that has helped me be a more supportive partner and to put it more bluntly than I’d like to: we are not entitled to our partner’s trauma.
When we create environments that are safe enough and if/when they are ready and feel safe enough within themselves, they may or may not share that trauma with us. Confronting trauma within one’s self is not easy, it is very brave. Her sharing this with you is also very brave.
We cannot fix the trauma for them, protect them from the hurt it caused, or protect them from the hurt that healing might bring up. We can continue, though, to work to create a safe & supportive environment for that healing to occur in.
She was abused and manipulated. Treat her as such and please don’t make this about yourself. Yes, she should’ve to you, but years of abuse doesn’t go away like that. She was probably trying to hold onto the belief that it was consensual for her own sanity and just now told you because she’s slowly realizing she’s not. I’m praying for healing for you both.
Your wife was sexually abused and she’s coming to terms with it at her own pace. Take a backseat and support, let her lead the way.
I get your frustration with this over all but frankly it sounds extremely reasonable for you to be very concerned by this.
She broke off the friendship due to a falling out. She didn’t ever confront her issue really. If she hid from it and accepted the woman’s friendship why wouldn’t she do it again? She accepted being used, who is to say the next time she won’t do the same. I would be concerned. I would maybe push her to get therapy and not stop until she can verbalize how bad the situation was and how she has changed and wouldn’t allow it again.
Btw, be careful though. You don’t want to cross that thin line into victim blameing. Nothing that happened was her fault, learning from the danger she put herself in though is necceessary. I do however, see exactly why you are concerned. No one wants a spouse who puts themselves into dangerous or abusive situations. We love them and want them to love themselves enough to protect themselves.
Wow she has pretty much been molested by this woman, this is terrible!
This was abuse and grooming. You have every right to be upset, but your wife is the one with trauma over this and you need to support and help her
I honestly don’t understand how a person could be so self centered as to make this traumatic experience their wife experienced about them in any way.
Like seriously dude. You need to unpack your toxic ideas, because your reaction is gross.