I (M22) found out my girlfriend (F23) has been lying to me for months. About 6 months ago my girlfriend started becoming extremely depressed and stressed out and told me it’s because of post partum depression from her pregnancy. Because of this she’s been working less which means I have to work full time to cover all our bills on top of going to college full time as well. It’s been hard to get through these last 6 months and even with me working full time we’ve been struggling financially. I talked to her several times over this period telling her that I feel like something’s off and I could almost say for sure she was hiding something from me, but every time she’d just blame it on the depression and yell at me for falsely accusing her. Fast forward to last night when one of her friends from work decided to send me screenshots of my girlfriend and her other coworkers talking about doing coke in the bathroom at work (which is something we’d promised each other we’d stop doing when she got pregnant with our daughter). I was shocked when I saw this and decided to go through her phone while she was asleep so I could confirm weather or not it was true. Sure enough I found tons of evidence that her and her friends had started doing it about 6 months ago which is exactly when her entire attitude changed. It only got worse when I looked at her payment history and saw that she’s been sending $300 a week to her dealer while I’ve been struggling to pay her bills and buy her the things she needs. I felt extremely hurt by the fact that she could keep something like this hidden from me and spent the rest of the night sitting in the living room. Once she woke up she came out to look for me since I wasn’t in bed and I confronted her immediately. She denied it at first but once I mentioned I had already seen the conversations she broke down in tears. She told me everyone at her work does it and they pushed it on her, but she really can’t blame anyone else for letting it get this out of hand. She gave me all the coke that she had been hiding from me( which I immediately threw out) and also agreed to find a new job on top of completely stopping communication with everyone involved. I’ve agreed to not tell anyone we know about her drug problem(mostly because i don’t want them seeing the mother of my child that way). I could tell that our relationship is more important to her than than the coke and her friends, but I just don’t feel like I can trust her anymore. We’ve been together almost 3 years and I still love her a lot, I just don’t know what to do now.
45 comments
What about your baby??? Was your gf drugged out while responsible for her child?!? This is a much bigger problem. You need to back up and get some perspective. People don’t just stop a drug addiction. She is going to need professional help. And trying to cover it up and hide it out of embarrassment will only make it worse.
She is irresponsible with money too, make sure she pays you back equivalent for the drugs.
Btw, she will only stay out of drugs for as long are you can keep watch on her.
Divorce and get full custody.
Keep the evidence, it will help you achieving this.
You can’t trust her, not while she’s using, or while she’s withdrawing. She will say anything to get what she wants.
You need to find a custody lawyer, and see what they recommend. Can get full custody? with no visitation for her while she is using? (Not saying you have to follow through with it, but you do need to know what your options and rights are here)
And why do you not want people to know? How is anyone supposed to be able to help you if they don’t know what the problem is?
As for any backlash she gets for being a drug addict, that is the consequences of her actions. She’s lucky that her friend sent the information to you, and not called CPS. Imagine the shitstorm if CPS and the police came and found the drugs…. Your child being taken away, and her being led away in handcuffs.
If money is tight, could you not have got her to sell her left-over stash back to her dealer (rather than throwing it out), or doesn’t it work this way with drug dealers?
Get her into treatment. Tell her she needs to go to NA. She needs to make the call. If she refuses, then you need to protect yourself and your child, find an attorney and get a consultation to know your rights and to protect yourself and your child.
Once an addict, always an addict.
She need more help than you realize. Get her into a program
Paternity test
Therapy & rehab
Therapy and mandatory drug counseling are the only ways to fix this with her.
Be careful not to throw away the relationship with the coke. She be needing your support to get clean and if you’re difficult about offering support then it won’t end well. She’ll need reassurance that you don’t hate her.
You do need to make sure that you and your daughter are secure legally and financially if she can’t stop using.
If you love her then you’re in for a difficult time but hopefully it’ll all come good.
Best wishes
Dude, she’s an addict. She needs help immediately. Get her into counseling and if you can’t afford that into NA. You can’t trust anything coming out of her mouth until she truthfully admits she has a problem. Blaming it on coworkers is BS
So you had a kid and both of you are drug addicts?
I hope this is a lie
Take screenshots and keep all that evidence. It’ll be immensely useful when you fight for custody of the child
Well, she probably ***was*** struggling with PPD and just coping with it in an incredibly unhealthy way — that’s how most people with substance use disorder get started with their addiction (unless their doctor overprescribes opiates, of course).
Getting a new job and cutting contact with the coke friends is definitely the right call, but your girlfriend also needs professional help, because substance use disorder is no joke. If she was able to find $300 a week for coke, then there’s enough $$ in the budget for her to go to weekly or biweekly therapy sessions. She also needs to go to her primary care physician, explain what’s going on, get screened for PPD, and get an antidepressant if that’s what the doctor recommends. Having you accompany her to this appointment would probably go a long way toward rebuilding trust.
Good luck to you all.
That’s why you don’t hAve kids young. Duh
If she’s still
Working, why would you cover ALL bills??
Get her into a program right away. Addicts will say and do anything they need to to get high. You also need to see a custody lawyer and keep all the texts and proof you have. If she can’t get her act together and get clean, you need to pursue full custody for the sake of your daughter.
I have a rule, no cokeheads, methheads or Republicans. It’s time to show her the door (get a good lawyer first)
Bro you can’t stop her quickly so she’s need medical help.
Just get medical oriented help.
As a father of four and five year sober, ex addict…she needs help. It doesn’t get this out of hand without needing assistance of some sort.
When I relapsed it was for about the same amount of time. So there is hope if she is willing to get sober of her own fruition. That is the most important part though. She has to want it for herself and no one else. Being better for the kid is a byproduct of fixing herself which should come first so she can be there for the child to begin with.
Day by day. Take it slow. Look for resources and maybe an IOP group program that focuses on drug addiction. Worked wonders for me.
It really doesn’t matter how “important” your relationship is to her op- she’s a drug addict. You need to come to terms with that. You need to decide if that is something you want to help her navigate while also raising your child. She’s addicted to coke and will need professional help to get into recovery and you and your daughter DO NOT have to be victims of her addiction.
I am in recovery for almost 7 years from IV heroin addiction, I also was using coke and meth daily- but my DOC was always heroin for obvious reasons (you get sick without it)… so I know a thing or two about addiction, and also about getting and staying clean and active in recovery. My first advice to loved ones of addicts is to look into local Al anon chapters- you need support too. My second advice and isn’t always popular is that it’s OK to leave her during active addiction. I don’t believe she will be able to just quit like that or else she wouldn’t be spending 300$ a week and would have already quit/not doing it daily. These are signs of an actual addiction which nothing you or your daughter can do to help. She needs professional help and honestly supporting her from afar is likely you and your child’s best bet. She is an inherent danger to her child as an addict- idc if people try to say otherwise, that’s a fact. Using coke (or any drug)is dangerous to the child on numerous fronts- the fact she has the substance in the home means it’s possible for you daughter to find and ingest and well you know how that would go; the mood swings from a coke addict are unpredictable and she surely is neglecting your daughters emotional needs- maybe even physical. It’s just not good.
I personally- would not accept this as the status quo and I would demand she go to an inpatient program and if she chooses to not do that, then you need to walk. At the end of the day only SHE can do the work to quit and it’s not as simple as loving someone enough to quit… she can live you and the kid to heaven and back and still be unable to quit. She needs professional, inpatient support to even hope to be successful in recovery.
I’m going to guess she’s not ready to quit and I’m sure will push back but you can only control YOU and you have a daughter now to protect and take care of. It would be honestly neglectful to stay in this relationship with her and continue to fund her habit. Do the right thing- set a boundary, she can choose to get help or leave- either way get some Al anon and tell your family- you don’t need to deal with this alone and hiding it will only enable her more.
I truly hope you listen.
I was married to an addict that wouldn’t get help for a long time. If I could go back and tell my 22 year old self just one thing it would be get her to go to rehab or exit the relationship. Leaving with a kid when one parent is all messed up is very hard. Staying is very hard and you will put up with so much because of their addictions. Sometimes life hands you a big turn sandwich and you have to eat it so just do it.
If you leave start keeping a log of her presence and contributions as a parent. My ex progressed into crack use and she got really bad, disappearing for weeks at a time. Don’t think your gf is above that as addictions can progress quickly.
I’m so sorry OP. I strongly recommend she get therapy and /or involved in NA. Perhaps couples counseling too. Drugs/addiction are a massive challenge for any relationship. The nature of the drug user is to lie, gaslight and manipulate. The changes you’ve put in place are a good start but ultimately, she takes her wherever she goes. She need help to stay strong in her conviction to staying clean.
For the time being, I suggest that you control the finances and she’s able to have a small amount of spending $ only. Gradually, as she gets more time under her belt you can shift this. Wishing you both all the best.
Babies gonna come out lookin like Egore
Worst thing you can do here is keep it a secret, if she has a supportive family tell them and start staging an intervention. She needs help and hiding this is the worst thing you can do I think. It reinforced that she can hide from this very significant and damaging problem
>I could tell that our relationship is more important to her than the coke and her friends
First of all, no you don’t know this. She is taking drugs and has been lying to your face for six months while you’ve been paying her bills. You need to stop assuming things, because that’s exactly how you end up getting fucked.
You need to protect your daughter – start by laying down boundaries with your girlfriend.
Her first priority is cutting out all the people that were taking drugs with her, her dealer, her coworkers. She needs to not have those people in her life right now because she is in danger of going back to old habits.
Secondly, she needs to get another job, something that doesn’t have a drug culture while she is still to soft to say no.
Thirdly, she needs to talk to someone to sort out why she was taking coke, because unless she addresses why exactly she did it – why she let others pressure her, or why she on her own decided to do it – it will happen again.
Setting aside the fact that she snorted 300 dollars a week away, drugs and kids don’t fucking mix. Your child will absolutely be taken away if someone knows there were drugs in the house.
Right now though, you need to keep a very careful eye on her because now that she knows you know, she might just get really sneaky about it. She’s already proven she will lie to you to get what she wants. She could just meet up with someone and snort when she tells you she’s out for a walk or getting groceries.
If there is anyone you can trust – like your parents – to watch your kid, have them on standby so they know that they might have to watch the baby over night unexpectedly so you can confront her and deal with this if she proves that she is still snorting.
Did she breastfeed the child while on coke? Who is responsible for the baby while you’re at school and work? You’re a fuckhead if you believe a word your addict girlfriend says about not using while she was responsible for your child.
I hope beyond hope that something happens that your girlfriend is exposed as a cokehead and an unfit mother. Your child deserves better than a lying addict mother and an enabler father. If you leave your infant in the care of a detoxing and potentially relapsing addict, I hope you get what you deserve. Neither of you deserve to be parents right now. And if anything happens to your baby because of her addiction, I hope they bury you both under the jail. Get your head out of the bowl and do what’s best for your child, get them away from their mother until she’s kicks her addiction. Right now, she is a danger to your child.
secret as sole crushers of sobriety. you are not doing her any favors by staying silent
DNA test the child.
Also drug test child if she’s breast feeding while doing coke, I beleive it is illegal …putting child in danger….
She got caught of course she’s acting remorseful…..you do not know the extent of her decit. Yes she’s scared she’s going to loose everything… most drug addicts will lie ….
Don’t make it easy for her ….
There is lots of good advice and some really harsh stuff. I think you need to focus on some serious points such as rehab. Drug counseling. You are very unlikely to get anywhere without professional help. You need to maybe involve family check if the child has been exposed to anything. These are serious stuff. If the kids had been exposed, you could both lose custody.
Dude, it sounds like she is an addict. You can’t believe anything she says until she gets straight. She needs professional help with this.
If you stay with her, you’re going to need to keep a tight leash on her. Put her in rehab. And then after that monitor her phone, monitor her location, monitor her spending, everything. At least until you know for sure she is done with the drugs. My husbands ex was exactly like this, she was a bartender and could not separate work from her personal life, she has been using drugs on and off ever since, even AFTER leaving the bartender scene. They had a child together, who is now my stepson, and his mother is barely involved in his life at all. When my husband left her he took his son because he knew she wasn’t capable of caring for him. I hope things turn around and this is just a phase for her, but this road she’s on can turn very dark if she continues down it.
This isn’t a massive lie this is MONTHS of lying and awful behavior with a baby involved.
Months of ongoing daily lies.
And finanical lies.
And PPD lies.
And lies about where she was.
It is a giant fucking web of lies.
It’s actually quite impressive if it wasn’t so horrific.
Personally, I would use the evidence to get 100% full custody of the child and then decide everything else after that.
You can decide you still want to be with her and live with her but you want to have the authority to make all legal decisions for your child.
Oh yeah trust is gone brother. On top of this I would be VERY weary with her. I’d tell her outright that you don’t trust her and I may not for a long time. Also, take screenshots of those chats. If she starts up again, you’ll need that for evidence in a child custody case. Get your ducks lined up. Reconciliation is going to be a long road. Also, your wife needs to get therapy and possibly start going to AA meetings. Your wife lied to you for 6 months and gaslit you…. Her devices, whereabouts.. everything need to be open to you. Sorry bro
Tough situation. Yes she lied to you and used you. You’re going to school and work full-time while she’s spending her money on drugs and makes excuses. I would put her on a tight leash.. a very tight leash even to the point where you should control her finances. Because most men older than you would have left someone like her with no morals or respect for you. This is a huge red flag.
Never trust an addict, basically. It’s worse than you think.
Run.
Well my dude, if you don’t want to tell anyone then you have no choice but to trust her. I understand not wanting to potentially break up a family, I was in that dilemma and I did end up splitting from my daughters mom but for a different reason. Besides the fact she’s doing Coke when she just had a baby (need to get your daughter checked out now if she’s breastfeeding), she lied to you for 6 months about it while she was paying for her Coke habit and you three are struggling. THAT is a major red flag that would have me leaning more towards it won’t work.
You need to set hard deadlines: a tike that she needs to have a new job, actually watch her tell all her coworkers that she is done and to not respond and then block on top of possibly rehab if she can’t ween herself off it. It has to be done, you’re going to look like the bad guy, but don’t let her threaten you with the child, you have strong evidence of her using, it would not look good at all in courts eyes to show a judge that.
She needs professional help. More then u can give her. Your job now is to protect your child. She can not trusted with your child or to get herself help.
Oh for fuck sakes. You want to go on for a ride with a drug addict, fine. But you’re now taking your kid with you.
She was high on coke while taking care of a kid. She took money from your kid and took food from your kid’s mouth to feed her addiction. I can’t drop nicotine, but you think she’ll drop coke??? She’s just going to get better at hiding it. She’ll lie and manipulate and guilt trip you. Because that’s what addicts do. It’s an illness, and she can’t get better without treatment. And your kid shouldn’t be around for it.
Is the baby on breast milk? Because the baby can suffer from serious developmental issue with a mother on coke.
I’ve seen 1 month newborn abandoned front of the pediatrics hospital in Ukraine, tests showed baby had coke in her system. My professor said that baby would become a developmentally handicapped person as she grew up.
Dude have you ever heard of paragraphs.
You are understandably hurt that she hid this from you, but I feel like you aren’t fully grasping how serious this is. Your gf is a drug addict. The more you hide this, keep it a secret, and sweep it under the rug for her, the more you are enabling her.
Switching jobs will likely not be enough. She needs, at a minimum, counseling. I would strongly recommend that she does a rehab program, in or out patient.
You need to take precautions to keep your child safe. Until you are 100% sure she is clean and sober, she should not be left alone with the baby.
Reach out for family support for her, yourself, and your child.
I’m an addict with 12 years in recovery. I have also studied and worked in the substance abuse field. I have seen this same thing happen countless times. Please take it seriously NOW, I promise you it will just keep getting worse.
Take the baby to the ER to get tested STAT
This is not a joke
Tell her to get some help and if she doesn’t then do what’s best for your kid.. for me it seems she was doing it even with y’all kid around and you luckily your kid didn’t get to it nor she did something to y’all kid…
Priory is your child and then her but only if she gets help !
6 months is along time, who knows how bad she is now..
She most likely traded sex for coke. You just know only fraction of what she did. Coke let’s her lose her inhibitions and she enjoyed sex on coke. RUN