My need for intellectual connection is not being met in my relationships, I dont know what to do

11 comments

1. What are *his* interests?

   Do you ask ample open-ended questions?

2. One person generally doesn’t need to suit *all* of our needs. Would you be happy in the relationship if you had friends you could talk about these things with, or is it important to you that it’s your partner specifically who provide you with this kind of intellectual stimulation?

3. Well.. you could find some friends that you can talk with and get your need for intellectual connection met. A partner can’t necessarily meet ALL of our needs

4. Here’s a general advice- you have interests that are different than his. You are not any more intellectual than he is nor is he “surface” level for not sharing your interests.

   I am sure there’s a couple things he knows a lot about that you don’t. Find that. Find ways to connect with him and his world. Then find ways to translate parts of your world that he could potentially relate to. That’s literally the best part of any relationship, to explore each other’s worlds.

   Lose the superiority complex and try harder to connect if you love him so much.

5. I don’t have much advice for the specific problem, but I have multiple friends with PhDs who keep it secret, because they want to socialize and relax, and avoid the pressure which comes with the “Smart person” brand.

   I like these things too, but I find them online and by doing my own projects, and I just speak with my girlfriend about whatever interests her. It can definitely work out, and it’s even refreshing at times to talk about random surface-level things.

   That said, I hope you can find more things that interest both of you, even if they’re not very stimulating.

6. I had this problem with a very good guy. I considered just trying to rely on friends for this but questions that lead me to end it; Do you have the same sense of humor? Is he receptive when you want to occasionally analyze or rant? Are you comfortable expressing yourself around him? If yes I think it can work. For me I realized I wasn’t being my full self and the thought of me and him gradually getting older and gradually having less friends sounded terrifyingly boring.

7. I forget who said it but there was a quote I heard a couple years ago that the most important quality you should find in a partner is someone you love talking to, because when you get old and your looks fade and your health fades all you’ll really have left to do is talk, and it’ll be the most invaluable thing to have someone you still love talking to.

   One of the things that attracted me most to my current partner is how every date we just talked for hours. It’s been two years and we’ll still stay up til 3am talking if we’re not careful haha. It’s now something I could never settle on, and if that’s something that really matters to you then you shouldn’t either.

8. This matters. A lot. If you get bored, the rest will fuck off as well. Try to balance what really works and how this side is important to you. Try to bring more material home, maybe increase the time you speak about these things, and if he doesn’t pick up you have your answer.

9. Force him to think. Ask existential questions. Talk about god, talk about evolution, talk about what happens after death. You need to put the idea of something wild in his head to get him talking.

10. I’ve had this issue with past partners as well. Everything in the relationship is lovely but the conversation is just…dull.

    I’ve been with my husband for 18 yrs now and we still gab away like teenagers about anything and everything. We have very deep conversations, and have never run out of things to talk about. I would never go back to one of those perfectly pleasant but dull relationships.

11. Im sapiosexual. If I dont have that, its a nope.