Hey all. As the title implies, im tired of felling like the bad guy here. Me(m63) and the wife(f60) have been married for 38.5 years now. We’ve recently became a couple again. We have a daughter, just turned 21 and has finally started to pursue her life independently. Yes late bloomers as parents.
So we married when I was just shy of 24 and she was 21. She had very limited sexual experience and I had major experience, going into our marriage. She has always been a SAHW/SAHM, this was mutually agreed upon in the beginning. Our relationship has always been a bit volatile. Both of us are very strong personalities. Spent 16.5 years of our marriage with me in the navy. Gone a lot, never helped in the relationship for sure, but no infidelity by either.
So thats the back story on us. Heres the problem. Throughout our whole marriage I’ve been sexually HD, while she’s been more average to now, almost non existent. Its been an issue all these years. Yes I’d come home from deployment and we’d have mad good sex for the first couple weeks then it would taper off. It was a cycle that repeated itself over and over. After I retired with us having a toddler, it didn’t change, maybe got worse, cuz I’m home regular now. Yes, to answer the big question. I did ask frequently, or initiated with her. Most times for the first 25 years, she did have responsive desire, or so i thought. So the last 6 or so months after years of therapy I found im BPD and being treated. Good. Now I can relate to her as a normal person, no explosive emotional outbursts. Great as t! Not really. So she now expresses that she’s not into sex period could care less, has always felt that. Could have fooled me as I told her for those first 25 years or so it sure looked like she enjoyed. So to now. As said she says she could less, it she ever had sex again? I’m still HD, its who I am. In my DNA. So we’ve been having discussions about this and how we resolve it. We sorta agree tentatively to 2×week. Doent work. Maybe happens maybe doesn’t. I’ve been dealing with ED issues now for several years. Have a deep discussion about how I feel as a man with the issue of performance problems and how it looks to her to say I love her and desire her, yet the buddy doent respond. That I understand her lack of enthusiasm and interest in sex with me. Couple weeks later during a heated argument me crucifies me throwing that in my face as well! Working with drs to figure out whats going on with the ED. Asked her whats gonna happen when I figure out the cause of the ED and get it corrected? She’ll say thing a like I’ve already had it 2 times since the last time. I counter why are you counting? We should want to bond intimately, its part of how we reinforce our pair bond. I then felt very hurt and ask was it all a lie? Did you fake it all these years to make the poor baby not pout? To keep the peace? Price to pay for security?
I did tell her several major things that kinda stumped her;
1. I’m frustrated. Have been most of our marriage.
2. While I’m open minded and anything goes between 2 consenting partners is cool, while she’s just sugar free vanilla ice cream. No imagination.
3. How do we move forward with this now.
4. When was it decided that one of us controls the intimacy of our relationship
She just want answer except to say its how I think. Doesnt matter about the “WE” part of our relationship. I’ve told her I cannot live this way any longer. Somethings got to give. Shes happy to have sex every couple months at the most. Heck not even that often. Says it has nothing to do with her attraction to me. Its just her. Im going crazy with this. I need to do more than just cuddle and hold hands. That I have needs as well. What about them? Its not like I can next run next door and ask the neighbor if I can borrow some pussy cuz mines out of order! I love her, deeply and truly, but I feel I’m going mad.
Sorry so long. I just needed to vent somewhere.
5 comments
So it’s only been 6 months that you’re being treated and have stopped the “explosive emotional outbursts”?
Outbursts like that can make women feel unsafe emotionally and when women feel unsafe, they are way less likely to want or enjoy sex.
You have to give it more time to reconnect.
“Did you fake it all these years to make the poor baby not pout” is a very telling sentence and it’s not one that is attractive to women.
You can’t just make her want sex, you have to repair the damaged areas first.
“When was it decided that one of us controls the intimacy of our relationship.”
Do you want her to have sex that she isn’t aroused for? I hope the answer is no. You also stated that she had responsive desire. What things do you do to try and arouse her?
At 60 she has gone through menopause. Have you done any research on how menopause and the absence of sex hormones affects a women’s ability to feel desire and arousal? Has she spoken to her doctor to see if she is a candidate for HRT? Is she even interested in HRT? There are a lot of health benefits from HRT that have nothing to do with sex. While women can still become aroused after menopause it can be significantly more difficult for some women and may require a different approach.
As the other posters commented the “explosive emotional outburst” is a huge barrier to a physical relationship. No one wants to be vulnerable with someone they do not feel safe with.
I’m speechless …
I’m 53. Woman.
Why? Why is sex the only thing that matters after 38 years? You did service time, raised kids, all that. Was she there during it? She was …
Now you have succeeded and the children are gone and you want to be rewarded like you are 25.
Dang. During this time she did menopause. Shit. It was horror. God took away my hormones. Those hormones helped my entire body, not just sex.
You have a temper. She stayed with you and now says sex isn’t that important to her. So what! Be calm. Tell her that it is important to you. Don’t cut down the past! And damn, accept she’s 60. Stop the fantasy. Still have sex. Still enjoy. But face reality. Pick dandelions instead of yelling. Help move the couch. Let her do the swimming yoga class or whatever. Then compliment and “ask” for sex…
Never mind. I hope I didn’t offend and I hope I make sense to someone. If not, please ignore.
I wish you luck.
This was my approach to a growing mismatch in desire after 25 years of marriage. I’m HD spontaneous. Spouse is responsive and, what I assumed, LD (turns out she’s not!).
Oftentimes when a person’s desire declines, the assumption is that something is wrong with them or they’re somehow broken (we assumed our issue was menopause). It’s easier to assume that because then it can be *fixed* by a specialist, with therapy or medication. It takes away the burden to look inward and do the work ourselves. But maybe what we’re inadvertently doing or inadvertently no longer doing is the problem.
We learned that stressors are the most common reasons for low desire. There are a whole host of stressors including anxiety, stress, exhaustion, menopause, childbirth, unresolved trauma, body self-criticismp
..the list goes on! Even our own partner can be a stressor: miscommunication, unbalanced share of duties, personality, pressure to perform, etc. All of the times you were deployed or away, there was no pressure for sex. In fact, there was no pressure from you at all. Your wife could do things the way she wanted, judgment free.
Your wife is still attracted to you, but attraction is only one component of desire. If you aren’t already, begin dating your wife as if you’re meeting her for the first time. Be a gentleman, romance her, emotionally connect with her, have non-sexual contact (hand holding, snuggling, etc.), and most importantly don’t expect sex or give her the impression you’re expecting sex. Pressure is a desire killer!
Work on turning off her offs (stressors) and turning on her ons (romance, emotional connection, hygiene/grooming/exercise, etc).
Good luck!
So you spent 40 years being explosively angry from time to time (is BPD bipolar or borderline?) and you seem to have a lot of contempt for her. (“sugar free vanilla ice cream” “whining about pain”). You don’t think your attitude shows through? Would you want to have sex with a partner who whines and nags you for it and has had a history of sudden emotional outbursts for your entire marriage up until six months ago?