Me and my bf have been dating for the last four years almost. We have had a lot of ups and down and a large part of our relationship was also long distance (same country different cities). Now we are discussing our future and where do we see this going. But I cannot make up my mind with a clear yes. I have some reservations which I think are justified but I don’t know if they are worth compromising on. For example – I want to study more a few ears later and want to have that option. But he is not okay with that idea and it’s a dealbreaker for him. Similarly, he wants to have children at a certain age and I can’t commit to having kids early. I just don’t know how to decide amongst these things what I want. I really do love him and am happy with him. I imagine it to be a good marriage. However these concerns I have, I don’t know if I can compromise. Any advice?
Tl;dr – my long term boyfriend is very strict about his life choices and idk if I can marry into that. Am I overreacting?
12 comments
If it’s not a definite yes it’s a no. Children and study are key life choices that you shouldnt compromise on (study to a degree, but certainly not children). Why on earth is you doing further study at some point a deal breaker?
Sounds like your futures are not compatible. I mean you clearly stated one of your future plans is a deal breaker for him.
Better question: why do you think you should compromise on so many core incompatibilities?
You can be in love with someone and enjoy your time together and be compatible in this stage in your life, and not be compatible marital partners. These issues aren’t issues that require a compromise . Their personal convictions and no one should have to compromise on those types of topics, including yourself.
Follow your gut. The right person at the right time won’t instill these doubts.
He doesn’t want you to further your education and he wants you pregnant and in the kitchen.
I can see how he’d make the Dream Husband. I always did think women look good in bonnets.
If you have to ask Reddit, you shouldn’t do it.
A man who wants to force you to cut your education short so you can have kids doesn’t sound like a man who loves you and supports you. It sounds like he wants to control you to do what his life plan is. That sounds like a bad situation!!!
I encourage you to move on and follow your path. Go study what you want. Meet like-minded people and make new friends and maybe you’ll meet someone who shares your values more. Someone who will celebrate the life you want to life.
You both have huge deal breakers regarding each other’s ambitions. If you are both certain about these huge issues, like education and children, you are not compatible and should not get married.
You’re asking reddit if you should marry him — that alone says that you aren’t 100% into the prospect of being with him. 4 years in you should know if you want to marry someone or not. If your answer to this question isn’t a certain and enthusiastic “yes!”, then it’s a “no”.
Are you bringing up studying because marriage would be a genuine impediment to it and your career, or because you want a reason to push the marriage further into the future and give yourself temporary peace of mind from the thought of it?
Again, you are 4 years into this relationship. By this point it’s reasonable for him to want to talk seriously about marriage and children, but it’s also reasonable for you to want to focus on your education and career. However, I can’t help but notice that you said he wants to have kids at a specific time, while for you it’s “too early” but you don’t have a time in mind for it.
It doesn’t sound like this relationship is good enough, in your eyes, to continue into marriage and children.
If its not a hell yes,dont.
So to be clear, he wants you to cut your education short so you can deliver children on *his* timeframe?
Why would you marry someone you don’t immediately want to say yes to.