I have really low self esteem that has stemed from my childhood of being bullied. I was constantly told as a child and later on in life that nobody likes me etc. I guess due to this I have walls up and continue to stay single and don’t like intimacy, maybe it;s due to feeling unworthy. I could go on but I would end up writing a novel
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The fast tip: practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness, concern, and understanding that you would show to a good friend. Avoid harsh self-criticism and negative self-talk and instead focus on positive affirmations and self-care.
Start going to the gym or find some hobbies that make you feel confident. Accomplish what you want and need to get done. If you have postural problems work on it. Work on yourself. Start making small talk with people when you’re in a line, checking out groceries with the cashier, just random people. Don’t be afraid if they’ll like you or not. They’re just other people like you.
Stop giving af about being judged you’re overthinking and limiting yourself at a life you want to live.
With intimacy if you want a relationship it’s going to depend on your confidence, looks, charm, etc. Some people still won’t be interested. Don’t fear rejection. It happens.
I also suffer from low self esteem due to childhood
I too suffer from extremely low self esteem. I don’t know about you but care about people’s perception of me very much, even strangers. It made me a people pleaser for many years and it made me extremely unhappy.
Focus on self improvements first and things will fall into place. Important to set one big goal for the year that atleast puts you in the right direction to your life dream.
This takes some time however will benefit you massively. Write out daily tasks physically on a to do list the act of ticking off the tasks along the day will boost your mood as you can physically see the things and results of your day.
Have a ‘goal of the week/month’ which ever suits you best. (At first I’d recommend smaller weekly tasks) but these goals must align with getting you one step closer to the yearly goal.
May sound tedious however it’s a proven method to get anything done whether that be in personal life or business. All successful business set goals and objectives to streamline their tasks to achieve a outcome and it relates really into personal life also.
The physical representation of seeing progress you’ve made will automatically improve your self esteem as it shows you exactly what you’ve done to better yourself.
I guarantee you that once you have self affirmation all other things slide into place organically.
Do you struggle with any disabilities?
I was never a big fan of the whole “go to the gym” and “self-improvement” stuff that you see everywhere today. Modern “self-improvement” is a cash grab made by influencers to constantly tell you that you aren’t good enough as you are, but then they keep moving the goal post further and further away with everything you do. It’s a repetitive cycle designed to keep you down and feeling worthless. Using the gym to be “good enough” only caused me body issues and worsened my self esteem, thinking I had to be an ultimate body builder just to be accepted. It’s an immature and damaging outlook that I wish people would stop shoveling in our faces. You are ENOUGH as you are now, WITHOUT spending 40,000 hours in the gym or making a 7 figure salary.
I feel that self-esteem comes naturally with life experience…I was bullied too growing up and didn’t have the most compassionate friends or family either so I get where you’re coming from. However as you get older you see that a lot of those points people use to pick on you are just lies to make themselves feel better, and in general society puts tons of pressure on us regarding things that don’t even matter at all (being good looking, having tons of money, being able to travel the world, having the greatest job and the biggest house, etc). Basically you realize that nothing else really matters so much and that no one else is inherently better than you, just because they have more money or a bigger house for example. You can have a totally good life and good self-esteem, without being the best at everything. That’s what self-acceptance is….accepting yourself for your flaws. It’s not going to the gym trying to live up to society’s unattainable standards because people said you don’t look big or strong enough, or chasing after society’s idea of perfection. Not everybody even wants a ripped body or a giant house for themselves, and these external improvements don’t even help your internal self-esteem
bro my dad tried to kill me twice when i was under 18 and even my own mother refused to place charges had a child still born at birth my first son had my ex wife cheat on me with her affair then move in with him
and im still here saying fuck every one else and water ur own yard if u wanna see what’s greener
no one is coming to save you from urself
Same. It’s a struggle. Low self esteem seems more common than people would like you to believe. If many of us are so guarded, how would we know how many of us are putting up a front? Look around, this is not a society of empowered individuals.
I take some comfort in reminding myself that we’re all pretty damaged and doing the best we can. It’s kind of a weird loophole—if I was the only one in need of compassion I would have a harder time granting it (‘cause low self esteem, duh). But the reality that many other people are this way and hide it, maybe most of us, I find to be a more compassionate view for myself.
Your story could be mine.
I dealt with this with two actions.
A lot of counselling. Those people lied to you. And it is important to grieve the elemental betrayal that you deserved to be loved unconditionally.
And I joined various voluntary organisations. The people in those groups valued me, both for what I gave to the organisation, but also just for showing up.
I come from having been bullied in school and on the job, for decades. I get through it by working harder on myself than whatever is going on that day, whether that my job, hanging out with friends, or interacting with my partner, what’s really magical for me is dressing nicer than is required for the occasion, I find that if I dress up before I go shopping, I get a lot more respect from strangers and even those who know me well, I like this thread, keep it going
Adding a self compassion resource to Livebeam’s suggestion.
https://self-compassion.org
Read about it and then try listening to the self compassion exercises.
You might also check out r/cptsd and http://www.pete-walker.com
Take it slow, but read some selections from Pete Walker’s website. Shrinking the inner and outer critic, emotional neglect, and anything else you would like to explore.
Like anything, we first learn the meanings of the language and the context in how the language is used. Then we can understand what happened to us and have a better understanding of how to reduce behaviors that are detrimental and start repairing and building ourselves up.
I know this is a lot and can be extremely difficult emotionally. Take your time. Let yourself grieve. Start processes that help you learn and grow emotionally and physically.
Best wishes and feel free to ask questions or comment on anything
I believe in you. Throwing down the gauntlet with your demons and you’re still going. Inspiring.
Here’s what I did to get out of this (as a person who grew up friendless and had undiagnosed autism going thru school)
– Fake it til you make it. You show others how to treat you. No one knows you’re not confident if you don’t show it. If you make self loathing comments/come off very meek and mild, other people will feel bad for you or just accept that you’re not a very talkative person
– Assume people like you. No one just assumes shitty things about a stranger unless they are an asshole. Just observe general social etiquette and you’re fine, I promise other people are not going to judge you for existing (even if you feel like they are)
– Ask the other person questions, and comment on their stuff so they get to talk about themselves. Other people love talking about their stuff, and you’ll learn new and interesting things. Just assume that everyone you meet has something you can learn.
– Have a friendly look on your face, smile at people, make eye contact. People will read you as friendly and sociable. Dress relatively nicely and make sure you are well groomed.
– *INVEST IN YOURSELF.* This is crucial. Be your own fleshed out person— get to know YOU. Hobbies/interests, places you like to go, things you’ve experienced. Write a journal and get to know yourself. Like go places and have experiences. Take a leap and do something new. *Be a person you’d want to be friends with.* This is how people come off as interesting and fun, those people are people with a lot going on and they take the leap and participate in stuff.
– Meet people at places you go frequently. People try to make friends with random strangers, I find that odd because you’re basically spinning a wheel and throwing a dart to pick who you’re becoming friends with. Get to know people at work, at school, friends of your friends, volunteering, at hobby groups, etc. That way you guys already have something in common and there’s something to talk about/build a bond over since you’ll be seeing those people a lot.
I hope this helped! I will add if i think of any more. This shit is how I ended up with more friends than I can count and I am truly happy with myself, not faking it anymore. I hope you can get there too, trust me if I can do it, anyone can!
It’s weird, I was never bullied or had a rough childhood. I definitely had ups and downs with my parents but overall it was a good childhood. I love both my parents and siblings but my self esteem is non existent. Only it stems from my own mentality. I’m the one telling myself I’m not worth it, I don’t deserve nice things, and I stay single because intimacy makes me uncomfortable and I never feel deserving of the other’s affection. And it also sucks big time when good relationships end and I don’t want to experience it ever again, so I just don’t get involved. In relationships, in drama. Anything. I have a very small circle of friends who I rarely see, and that’s where my social life ends lol.
Dont change , you are the best you can be.
You are just surrounded by assholes.
Get a better surrounding.
I listen to a podcast called Dharmapunx NYC. It’s about psychological issues, how it relates to the brain, development, and ultimately Buddhism which has an answer for EVERYTHING. There was an episode called “Confidence with Humility”, I recommend. It was very surreal for me to hear and understand why my self esteem is so low and what we can do to help it grow. FYI though there is a meditation at the end. If u don’t meditate it may be a little overwhelming.
Your an absolutes champion , a captain of industry and a Viking in bed .
Your a super star!
As Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor and philosopher, wrote in his private journal, now published as ‘Meditations’: why do we care most about ourselves, but about the thoughts of others?’
I had the same problem. I got bullied as well, and also suffered from epilepsy which made me feel like a burden to my loved ones.
The quote works both ways. People do not care about who you are, they are only obsessed with themselves. And that is a blessing. You can do whatever you want and people will genuinely not remember. And if they do, it is a sign they care, in some way about you. Those people who bullied you probably don’t remember it. So why should you? Be nice to the world, keep the moral high ground, and be proud of this. The greatest value a man can achieve for himself is to be happy with the bare minimum he has: his fundamental self.
Hop by r/stoicism if you’d like and ask the question there. There are some great people around who can answer it a lot better. Or DM me, I can recommend you some great literature.
I also suffer from low self esteem because my mother have been constantly telling me i wasn’t good enough as a child, sometimes even now then lately i realized that my friends are doing the same thing to me as a joke. I tried my best to be positive about myself but I always go back to self harming, self loathing and saying negative things to myself whenever i start to feel sad or lonely because i believe that i don’t deserve to feel lonely or sad cause as my mother said i am too over dramatic and emotional and that someone else have it worse than me. I’m trying to understand my emotions so that i would know how to handle them and not try to hide them but the constant overthinking isn’t helping. I don’t think i’m improving or anything at all. I don’t know what to do. Sorry if this sounds confusing. English isn’t my first language, i tried my best to explain it.
It’s definitely something that can be worked on and healed but it takes time. If you can afford a therapist they might be able to help. Some of the self help/healing books might help too.
I had a similar thing growing up. You need to learn to connect with people on a superficial level, smiles and hellos and little compliments without expecting reciprocation.
Go to the gym, you can always be stronger.
Learn to cook, a new language, paint and draw. You can always get smarter and more capable.
Grow some plants, the hard to kill ones. Show them kindness and love. Decorate their pots and give them names.
Don’t force yourself to do it right now, but plant it in your mind that these things will change you. Start asking friends if they know a good place to join a class or a good gym. Kindness is valued in the daylight. Curiosity and a Lets do it attitude is valued in the night life.
Write self esteem journal
This might be cliche on Reddit, but self compassion & hit the gym. Going to the gym should help gain a sense of accomplishment & help feel better about yourself. I’ve gone to the gym for years & haven’t made many friends from it, so don’t expect that. But if you see the same person day after day say hi. But then look for meet ups pertaining to your interests , to develop a type of community & talk to people. Through that you’ll hopefully connect with 1 friend & that’ll hopefully lead to their circle.
Look yourself in the mirror multiple times a day and say out loud I love you and compliment things trust me it’s so small and goofy but it starts somewhere
You’re worthy because there’s no one else like you, and because you’re here for a reason. You might not know it now but in time you will.
This guided meditation will help: [https://attachmentrepair.com/meditation/development-of-best-self/](https://attachmentrepair.com/meditation/development-of-best-self/)