I’m sorry for the length but I thought I should add as many details as possible. So one of my best friends, let’s call him M [24m], went on a vacation with his girlfriend, G [23f], and in a fight, he smacked her causing a black eye.
Context: M has been dating G for about 7 months now, and I would describe their relationship as a very passionate / intense relationship but they are both quite hot headed / immature and can get into explosive arguments. This isn’t the first time they’ve argued, as some in the past would end with yelling and name calling yet they’d always get back together the next day or so. Keep in mind, I am also very close with his girlfriend, G, as well, she is like a 5th member to our friend group. She has told me in confidence that they are pretty much only still together lately for the sex.
I’ve known M since my 2nd year at college and he’s a part of a very close knit group that includes myself, M, our friends C and J, all of whom I consider to be my best friends and who I’m closest with. We have all been through quite a lot but I can honestly say we have all had each other back no matter what, we comfort each other when things get rough and I am so lucky to call them friends. M particularly has always looked out for me and the others, called us when we were down, and been an overall wonderful friend. Even my parents say I’m lucky to have such a strong friend group.
However since knowing M, I’ve seen that he is a bit immature and has an ego / lack of empathy. He is also insecure about himself. I would honestly say he does have some psychopathic qualities, however they never amounted to anything negative in any situation up until now.
Vacation: M and G go on a vacation and some random guy snapchats G at some bar. There were also some random guys at the bar who made derogatory comments at G, apparently because she was wearing revealing clothes. Keep in mind, G is completely loyal to M and M is completely loyal to G so there is no cheating going on. Nevertheless, M got mad at both the guys at the bar and the random guy snapchatting her. They both leave and go back to the hotel and in the room, the argument got more and more heated where she, G, grabbed his necklace and tried to choke him with it. In the ensuing struggle, M smacked her trying to get her off of him, which resulted in the black eye. Cops were called and neither of them wanted to press charges or “get the other in trouble,” but when the cops saw her face, they took him to jail overnight. He got out the next day, they both flew back to their home state and went their separate ways, now dividing up their stuff at their apartment as well as preparing for a court date in April at the vacation state (there’s no jail time possible from what I heard).
Situation: Obviously, Me, C and J are furious at M and we did not talk to him for 5 days since it happened (G called us the next day and told us what happened) At this point, we’ve heard M’s side of the story and both stories match up, G started the physical part. We’ve already told them both that they can never get back together (they both agreed) and should go their separate ways and no one else we know knows about what happened aside from M and G’s parents.
Now me, C and J don’t know if we want to be friends with M anymore.
I understand he is very emotional right now but he is handling his explanation of events poorly. He keeps saying he fucked up and he says hes getting help for his anger but in the same breath he’ll say how she attacked him first and its not entirely his fault. C has also been very supportive for G this whole time but M see’s that like he’s trying to get in her pants. M somehow got G’s phone and sent a text to C basically saying to leave her alone.
I’m not sure what to do, M has been there for me for a lot of things and while I don’t condone what he did at all, I still feel like I should still be there for him. Or at least till it’s all over.
**tl;dr**: My friend hit his girlfriend and I don’t know if I should be friends with him anymore.
24 comments
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So you’re still friends with G but not sure if you should be friends with M? Who apparently hit her in self defense while she was trying to choke him with his own necklace?
I feel like you should include that she initiated the fight in your main post. From scanning it would seem as he smacked her out of no where, instead it was in defense. That changes things
You should encourage your friend to dump his abusive girlfriend
Seriously? You’re mad at him for defending himself when he was being CHOKED?? But you’re cool with G who literally assaulted him first and was choking him. That’s okay? If I were him I don’t think I’d want to be friends with yall anymore.
Wow that’s a misleading title/tl:dr.
Everyone in this post is trash.
She was choking him out… Maybe a punch to the face is an overreaction but if theyre being choked out I wouldn’t blame them.
Stop being a bad friend and back your bro… Are you simping for this girl or what, because it sounds like it.
If you believe him that the black eye happened as he was defending himself from being choked, I’m not sure why you and your friends are reacting this way. If she was choking him and he was struggling with her to get her away from him I can easily imagine her getting elbowed or something and ending up with a black eye.
Do you believe that his use of force was more than needed to defend himself? Have you seen other things from him that suggest a propensity toward violence?
I feel like I’m missing something.
I’m not in favor of men hitting women, but I’m not in favor of women hitting men either. It sounds like she gave about as good as she got.
you and your friends have sexist issues.
what if the roles were reversed and M tried to choked G but she gave him a black eye?
even G admitted she started it by trying to choke M. M hit G on self defense, based on what you told us it was only one punch. if he had continued after getting her off him then yeah there’s a problem there, but he stopped after one punch since it was enough to avoid getting choked.
that relationship is toxic af, they shouldn’t even be friends at least for a while. but you siding against M is dumb
Since M hit G in self-defence (which is a rather important detail) I don’t think you should cut him off for that. BUT
> However since knowing M, I’ve seen that he is a bit immature and has an ego / lack of empathy.
> I would honestly say he does have some psychopathic qualities
> C has also been very supportive for G this whole time but M see’s that like he’s trying to get in her pants. M somehow got G’s phone and sent a text to C basically saying to leave her alone.
Yes, you should stop being friends with someone who has a “lack of empathy” and “psychopathic qualities” and who secretly sends texts from his girlfriend’s phone to his supposed “friend”. What the fuck is this toxicity
You should sit down with M and have an honest conversation about how you feel.
Let him know you appreciate him as a friend and you’re glad he’s ok, that nothing more serious happened as a result of the physical assault from G.
You should then explain your concerns with what happened. Considering how long the toxic relationship has lasted for, how would he change the outcome if it happened again? Judge his response. If he acknowledges that he should’ve ended the relationship earlier, that he could’ve turned away instead of pushing her back and hitting her… You need to watch for signs he has actually evaluated the scenario and is capable of identifying alternative responses. Does he accept his role in what happened and that he would never intentionally hurt someone like that?
If you truly believe this was a freak accident then he deserves an honest conversation then give him a chance to explain himself.
It’s disappointing to hear that you, C and J might be willing to drop a friend with this much history between all of you without so much as having a proper talk about it.
If you’re going to wipe M out if your lives, then wipe that slate clean. Say exactly what you think and be done with it. Tell him his response was not cool by your standards.
If you’re willing to have an adult conversation about this with him, it could be the signal he needs to realise that it’s time for him to grow up because no one finds this to be funny.
You and your girl friend both sound trash
Abuse and self-defense are two entirely different things, you fucking eggplant.
The abusive action here was G **trying to choke** M. How are you just ignoring that?
Trying to stop someone from choking you is self-defense, no matter how injured the attacker ends up in the process.
I couldn’t be friends with someone who hit their partner – so I likely couldn’t continue to be friends either of them, in this case.
They shouldn’t have been together at all, if they’re continuously having these explosive fights.
Choking someone means the person doing the choking is at an elevated risk of killing someone in a domestic violence incident in the future. You have issues with M, but G is the person you absolutely have to cut out of your life. She’s a domestic abuser and potential killer.
Female here. G should not have tried to choke M. G started the violence. G should not be getting a free pass for that. G is guilty of choking M. G admitted that. G is horrible and should go to anger management. M was assaulted by G. M probably could’ve handled it better, but G choked him. M needs counseling for being assaulted. That professional can help M figure out how to handle all aspects. M doesn’t deserve to now lose friends just because he is male and G is female. You guys Ata.
She attacked him first and he retaliated. As a woman who has been in this situation with another woman, he didn’t do anything wrong.
uhhhhh what?
G was trying to CHOKE M, M defended himself, and you’re mad at him????
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>but in the same breath he’ll say how she attacked him first and its not entirely his fault.
yeah, no shit, it isn’t entirely his fault. How can you stay friends with G and not M?????
Honestly why do you want to be friends with either of these people? They’re both immature and violent, that’s a bad combo regardless of gender.
You surround yourself with really toxic people. I also wonder how if it started with him getting angry with others and escalated to her being violent what was left out of the middle there. The cops got called for a reason, the fighting was worse than they told you if people felt alerted enough to call the authorities. She shouldn’t have choked him and he is controlling, jealous, and overly aggressive if he felt the only way to push her away was to give her a blackeye and then afterwards still felt the need to get on her phone and text other men from it instead of staying away. The fact that you say you think he has psychopathic tendencies should be enough of a red flag for you to stop making excuses for his anger issues, you really think his next relationship is going to be any less toxic if you think he’s psychotic? You shouldn’t be friends with any of these people and decent people are going to stay far away from your group, I hope you see that.
She initiated the fight….. You left that out in your title so why are you acting like the boyfriend is the only abusive one. Sounds like self defense to me
I think that being long-time friends with someone gives you a special position in their life. You can speak meaningful words to him and he will listen.
Obviously he needs to break up with this violent woman.
I wouldn’t drop him as a friend. I would stay in his life and be the positive community he needs. Isolated people tend to get into even worse relationships and situations. Instead of isolating him…just be very real with him.
Maybe just ask him a bunch of questions one day. Ask him why he thinks he got caught up in this relationship. Ask him what he wants in like 10 years. Ask him if he thinks there is anything he needs to change. Tell him you think he’s capable of being in a different place in life, emotionally. Ask him if he thinks therapy would be useful for him. Look up accessible ways to get therapy after that and send it to him.
Ask stuff like this in a real way, like genuinely and without making him defensive, and one-on-one if possible. But just like, use your position in his life to just help him clarify what he needs and wants.