Background: My wife (F35) and I (M37) have been together since HS and we have been married for 10+ years. We have built a life we are both proud of together with two children and she is my best friend. I also think it is important to know that she has suffered from depression and anxiety her whole life and is currently on a medication that she said is the most successful one she’s ever taken.
The issue I am having is I am starting to resent her due to her role (or lack thereof) in our relationship. My wife has always struggled to get motivated to help with stuff around the house and I’ve always just sort of picked up the slack and did the necessary chores, etc to keep our home running. However, we have recently had some life changes with work and location that are making this almost impossible for me to accomplish. When I say I do the chores, I mean I do the lion’s share. I do not believe she’s ever cleaned a bathroom, she does not do dishes and it is rare that she does laundry and when she does, it’s only to wash her own work clothes.
We recently moved to a new house that I would say is our “dream home.” Prior to moving, we talked about how we have more space inside and outside the home so it’s going to take everyone’s efforts to keep the house from being a mess. She’s the one who actually brought it up, not me, and said that she knows in the past she hasn’t always pitched in enough and was going to change that at the new home. I was excited for this change and we also had a similar discussion with our kids about tidying up after themselves.
Now that we have been in the house for a few months, nothing has changed whatsoever and it is stressing me out to the tipping point. I work 2nd shift so I get home late after everyone is in bed. I make it a point to get up early to get the kids to school so that I can spend at least some time with them each day. My wife is in healthcare so her schedule is 3 days a week.
Recently, she had 6 days in a row off due to scheduling. She talked it up weeks in advance, “I’m going to get so much done around the house over those 6 days.” She made it clear she planned to spend the first day resting from several shifts in a row but the rest of the time she wanted to accomplish things. Those 6 days came and went and on the final day of her time off, she took some clothes out her closet that she no longer wanted. That’s it. No unpacking boxes, no putting stuff away, no cleaning, nothing. I came home several nights, tired from work, to a kitchen sink completely packed full of dishes from her and the children while I was at work. She didn’t even bother to put some of them in the dishwasher.
In the past, I’ve expressed to her that I feel that she doesn’t keep my feelings in mind or that I have feelings that she doesn’t respect me when things like the dishes happen. They just are left to be my responsibility. I also have told her that it really puts a burden on me because then I have to spend part of the weekends off with the kids being the no fun parent because I’m cleaning up from the week and asking the kids to do the same because she did not. The chores would be much less if she pitched in or held the kids accountable to pick up after themselves, put dirty clothes in the basket, etc. Her past answers usually range from “I know I’m a horrible partner” to “Well you know who you married” but never any sort of resolution.
The reason for my post is that I can feel myself starting to resent her. Yesterday, she had the day off and before I left for work, she was in bed reading. I asked her what she had planned for the day and her answer was simply “this.” On my drive to work, I was furious and on the brink of pulling over because I felt I might have a breakdown. I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to focus on my job for the day but it subsided after some time. However, it came back when I arrived home to pots and pans and a giant mess in the kitchen while everyone slept.
I need help in addressing this. I’ve tried every approach I can think of. Most often I ask for some help from her with tasks and I express how I’m feeling in a straightforward and loving manner. This typically results in me asking the next day if she did it and her saying that she forgot or time got away from her. If I try a more direct approach, she tells me that I’m not her parent. I’ve explained I don’t want to be a parent to her, I just want her to be an equal partner to me. A month or so ago, I hit a breaking point and blew up because she failed to RSVP to something that my son was looking forward to even though I asked her everyday leading up to it. I told her that I knew I should have handled it because I can’t rely on her. It was not my finest moment and it did nothing to resolve anything so it’s not a route I plan to take again. However, I feel like I’m raising two children and a teenager who just lives here and doesn’t pitch in. Does anyone else have experience in similar situations?
TLDR; Wife and I are not on equal footing when it comes to family duties. It feels like I’m raising a 3rd child and I’m reaching a breaking point.
3 comments
I would suggest looking into couples therapy or finding some other third party that can facilitate this discussion to it remains calm and civil, and discussing this. She is struggling, clearly, but this is meant to be an equal partnership, and you are correct that this is imbalanced.
I’d honestly focus more on getting your kids into shape in terms of setting expectations regarding chores and implementing some kind of structure where there’s a penalty, whether it’s loss of a favorite toy or screen time (I’m not sure how old they are) if they don’t do it when they are supposed to. Don’t let them turn out like your wife, and give them the functional skills they will need to maintain their own households one day.
Your wife sounds selfish and lazy, to be honest. And she knows you’ll ultimately take care of it, and doesn’t care that more of the burden falls on you if it means she gets her way and doesn’t have to do it. The fact that she will only wash her own clothes is very telling.
You’ve expressed to her what your needs are in this area. She’s heard you, and while she might say she’s going to do more, her actions speak otherwise. She doesn’t want to. She doesn’t plan to. She doesn’t care that this impacts you negatively, because the arrangement works for HER.
You could of course decide to just stop doing the chores and see how long she can go with dirty bathrooms and a kitchen stacked with dirty dishes, but you know what will happen. It will start WWIII, because you’ll be the bad guy for not doing the chores. It’s become expected of you.
You have to decide if you can live with things being this way or not. People who have avoided doing chores most of their adult lives usually don’t suddenly start one day.
Edit to add: I know she has some challenges, but I’m guessing she always manages to find ways to get things done that are important to HER. Which tells me she’s taking full advantage of the situation.
If she hasn’t changed in 10 years, she’s not going to change now. Maybe you can hire a maid once a week? Maybe she can work more to afford it.
You may be able to work on the kids a bit, they are still learning how to be people. A chore chart or reward system usually is enough, if you are able to reinforce the behavior. Just make sure the chores you assign are appropriate for their age and you’re not overburdening them to compensate.