At the very beginning of our relationship he was a borderline aggressive alcoholic. Before we became serious I told him to choose, me or the drinks. He chose me and that was three years ago; barely touched a bottle, until recently.
A few months ago we finally moved in together, and I figured it was ok for him to have maybe 1 or 2 a day, and I told him this. Fast forward a few months and he’s up to 4 or more a day.
I’m getting nervous at this point and I feel like it’s my fault for letting him in the first place. He gets upset when I mention he’s overdoing it.
Finally today after finding a 12 pack completely empty 2 days after buying it, I confronted him. No more than 2 a day or it’ll come down to choosing me or it again.
I have a bad history of abusive relatives and alcohol (to the point of actual PTSD), and him being an angry alcoholic himself.
We love each over very much and I don’t want this to hurt our relationship. I’m not even sure if what I’m doing is right, or controlling. Any advice would be appreciated.
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I’d like to add to this, he has intense ADHD and says the alcohol helps him relax. I can understand that to a point but I’m sure there’s other methods.
3 comments
Here’s a simple tool. Has the alcohol use started to affect behavior?
I say that because at the end of the day, we can’t control others’ actions, including our partners. However, we can set boundaries. It sounds like you set loose boundaries with him (in the sense that exceeding the 1-2 drink a day limit didn’t have consequences). He has broken those loose boundaries.
The most healthy outlet for you would be to set boundaries in regards to his drinking directly affecting you. Rather than set limits which are hard to maintain, especially with something like alcohol, try setting behavioral boundaries. If he acts a certain way towards you under the influence or alcohol affects work, a, b, or c will happen.
We can’t control others actions. And number limiting no matter the circumstance is often times a failure before it even begins. But we can make concrete requests in regards to how others actions affect us.
Hope this helps!
You need to acknowledge the harsh reality here, which you honestly even said but it doesn’t really seem to be sinking in; he’s an alcoholic and an angry one at that.
As it relates to just the alcohol, I’d love to be able to appreciate the fact that you tried to find compromise. The problem is compromise isn’t an option when you’re dealing with addiction. That essentially means you have two options; accept the fact that he’s an alcoholic who has no desire to change that, or insist he stop drinking altogether and start going to AA. There’s no middle ground.
You say you don’t want this to hurt your relationship. It already is. Ask yourself if this is how you want to live forever, because as it stands, not only has he told you that he doesn’t care about your two drink boundary, but that he has no interest in stopping. Good luck.
Girl , come over to r/Al-Anon ASAP !!!