Recently engaged and Reddit is scarring the fuck out of me.

48 comments

1. Avoid Reddit lol 😂
   I’m convinced most of the stories are made up.

2. My husband and I are happily married and most of the couples I know are. That said, some had unhappy first marriages and divorced.

   How long have you known each other? Is your partner someone you trust? Are their parents good people?

3. Just remember people have a tendency to talk more about the bad than the good. I came from divorced parents with domestic violence and addiction issues. I broke the cycle and have been happily married for 14 years.

4. OMG my husband and I had to get off Reddit for awhile when we were engaged. We would both obsess over negative threads / horror stories (especially me).

   Married life is pretty awesome so far. It definitely has its moments but it’s totally worth it if you are truly with your other half 🙂

5. Be honest and stay weird.

6. All my friends are divorced and on their second marriage. I’m the only one still married. Same thing happened to my parents, all divorced except them.

   Only one regrets getting married, the rest just didn’t pan out. Tis life.

   A lot of people on here aren’t happy in general so that would certainly impact your relationship.

   Marry someone you like and don’t want to change. Find someone who copes with stress and is resilient. That will make a lot of things easier.

7. In the real world the overwhelming majority of spouses will not have to deal with being asked for a threesome. Reddit isn’t a microcosm of the world. It is a specific demographic of internet addicted younger people who by and large don’t know shit about anything. You think this sub is fucked up; head over to one of the political subreddits. If you’re only knowledge of liberals came from r/politics you’d think they’re all retarded. But no, it’s just the one’s who frequent that sub.

8. Well, like 50% of marriages end in divorce. Obviously it’s not random though, it’s about the people and the decisions they make. So if you’re smart and chose a good partner you’ll probably do alright. Maybe.

9. People who are happy and in stable relationships don’t come to Reddit to vent their marriage problems. Keep that in mind.

10. Dont get married before: turning 25, dating for at least 2 years, accepting your partner for who they are now, getting on the same page about the future and seeing proof that they are working towards it, familiarizing yourself with the different forms abuse takes… those are all helpful in determing long term compatability and finding healthy partners. They arent gurantees and of course people make do without but that would be my advice with one failed marriage and one currently successful one.

11. People don’t come on Reddit to just say ‘my marriage is comfortable and happy and safe’. So you’ll see a disproportionate amount of problems here, because that’s WHY people are here. For advice, to vent, or to find people in similar situations. The good ones are out there, you just don’t hear about them

12. Best advice is communication. Learn how to talk to each other and how to actually listen. When something in either you or your life is wrong don’t hide from it, share it with your spouse and work together to find a solution.

13. 1. Don’t talk about your marriage on Reddit.
    2. Use other people’s marriage Reddit drama as fodder for being smug (ideally with your partner) about how great your relationship is compared to other people.

    Follow me for more tips to a successful marriage. 😂

14. I have a great marriage! Keep your friendship at the center, make sure you have common values (especially on the meaning/importance of marriage and loyalty + division of labor), and be flexible. Every single season won’t be great. You might have times where you have sex every day and feel super close, and times when you are struggling to connect, feeling overwhelmed with life, and barely keeping it together. Don’t expect perfection all the time and be willing to work through the “lows.” Be quick to communicate, quick to forgive, and keep finding ways to cherish each other.

    Reddit is full of unhealthy people but that doesn’t mean you and your soon to be hubby are the same.

15. So… I was married for a long time and then divorced, now married again. What I learned the first time is that you need to know how to set and enforce boundaries lovingly. Communication is key, but comprehension and understanding are equally important. Lastly, your marriage should be a partnership in every sense of the word.

16. 68 year old guy. Married 45 faithful year. Began 51 years ago as high school sweethearts. My only regret is that I will not have another 50.
    Find the right person with matching values and never take each other for granted. You will experience happiness in a manner not possible any other way.

17. Well remember a few things

    1. No one wakes up on their wedding day planning their divorce… ok “no one” maybe a wrong word but you get what I am saying.

    2. People are often blinded by the general social pressures of “happy ever after” that they just want to be in love and avoid the conflicts and reality of the flaws in the person. “Blinded by love” life has a way of stripping that away in a few years.

    3. A lot of people see divorce as a failure (its not…) so they hold on to broken marriages because as long as they can smile in the pictures and fake it for a little longer they wont be a “failure ” …u never know what really happens behind closed doors.

    4. My great grandmother used to say people go through a few huge changes in life 18-20, 28-30, 45-50 and the trick is getting through those big changes in life together about the same time because if one is left behind that begins a break down in the bond and communication

18. My husband and I just looked at each other blown away because our 5 year anniversary is coming up in June. I know that isn’t a long time, but we still feel like newlyweds and are head over for each other. Be kind, appreciate what your partner does for you, cut them a break when they don’t get it right. I know my husband really loves me and if I get disappointed in something, I know he would never do anything on purpose to upset me. I feel like that is what I see in uncomfortable marriages. They don’t believe the best of each other. I just like my husband so much. You and your future husband get to choose how you treat each other. Choose wisely.

19. My advice would be… Get a good therapist and start marriage counseling before you need it. Have the rough conversations and know how your partner feels about all of them. Respect each others boundaries. Always walk away and take a minute if needed before returning to a conversation. Never stop dating and exploring each other. Agree on a dollar amount that all purchases above will be discussed before hand. Don’t vent to family, you don’t want them to think ill of your spouse and make gatherings awkward. Never start a discussion wanting to be right, only to understand each other better. I wish you all the best!

20. Happily married here! Don’t be scared, the r/marriage SUCKS. Husband and I always talk how lucky we feel after reading some r/marriage threads

    Edit: typo

21. I’m very happily married over 19 years. We’re closer & more intimate in every way than we were nearly 20 years ago. Our marriage just gets better all the time.

    I do have two friends who are very happily married 15+ years in their second marriages with kids. They were both fortunate enough the first time around to have it end before they had kids. They’re both very happy they didn’t give up on it. They learned.

22. Keep in mind there’s quite a few troll (fake) posts on here

23. 47, insanely happily married.

    I still can’t keep my hands off my wife.

    4 kids, they all get along great.

    It’s not all doom and gloom.

24. 50% of marriages end in divorce. It’s not just Reddit, it’s reality that marriage is something with a pretty shitty success rate.

    I’m just hoping honesty and kindness will keep us going. Love is a choice you make everyday, even when you don’t feel like it.

25. Pay no mind to the volume of alarming posts you see here, people in happy marriages don’t usually post on reddit asking for help. They’re too busy being happy.

    ^(Basterds…)

    You can ward off cheating easily, just don’t get pregnant, ever. Or buy a house. Or work in a bar. Or hit 30. Or get a traffic ticket. Or…

    I’m *kidding! :)*

    No, on a more serious note, marriages often fail due to the impossible expectations people set for themselves. It’s not puppy dogs and rainbows, people, it’s hard work. It involves money budgeting, time budgeting, sacrifice and compromise. And talking, lots and lots and LOTS of talking. Despite what romantic comedies might have taught you, people aren’t mind readers and can’t guess what’s eating you. But you get to have a BFF teammate! And someone (who’s not your mom) who thinks about you all day! Your very own, whole entire person, yayl 🙂

    So focus on the project you set for yourselves, be reallistic (it’s gonna get boring and excruciating at times, PT meetings are soul crushing). Focus on you and your teammate. And for the love of God, do not downplay or outsource love and romance! Dating doesn’t stop once you get married. You just switch to the new olympic class: dating with obstacles. It’s parkour dating now, kiddies. While *juggling.*

    Yes, you are gonna regret it at times. But like Chris Rock said, you’re gonna regret whatever you do anyway. Get married and you’ll get bored. Don’t get married and you’ll get lonely.

    The only exciting marriages are the BAD ones: “Gee, I wonder if he’s gonna stab me today!”

    So, pick your poison. 🙂

    ^(This post was brought to you by Jack and his friend Daniel.)

26. Just remember. You don’t need anyone else to make you happy…..

27. Don’t refer to Reddit for marriage examples, PLEASE!!! People are 99% more likely to post here if they’re in a poor marriage. If worry or depression are any sort of concern in general, social media is probably the first thing you should shy away from.

28. Divorce happens and a lot of folks benefit from a practice marriage if they are capable of introspection. I wouldn’t let divorce deter you, as being stuck in an undead marriage is the true menace. Just always be independent enough to have an exit plan and you’ll be just fine.

29. See I posted a few times on Reddit because I feel like if I talk to family etc they might not forget or forgive the way I do. It’s important to remember that people will continue to grow and change. Life will throw curve balls. It’s just about finding someone to ride out the craziness with

30. Communication, don’t expect someone to “grow” or change, and accept that life will have ups and downs. Also, if you have kids, know that infants may suck the life out of you both but treat each other kindly and know that it’ll get easier.

31. So important to live with each other before getting married. Can’t stress that enough!

32. Remember that people rarely come to the forum to talk about good things…you might just be seeing snapshots of the worst parts. And none of the good. Being married is awesome! Congrats 👏

33. So here’s the thing. Marriage is good (if you work to maintain your commitment). Marriage is amazing (if you communicate openly and continually). Marriage is not easy (because love is a verb, not a noun – you support each other when times are bad so you can make it to the good times together).

    You will grow, learn, change, and adapt. Especially if you marry young, both of your goals may change as you mature. And that’s ok. If you love one another you’ll learn to adapt to that and find new spaces within one another. If the updated change affects something fundamentally nonnegotiable on your part, that’s where the real, legislate problems arise.

    Ebbs and flows happen for sure dependant upon the stages in life you will each approach. Growing pains happen. What’s most important is that you stick together.

    Adding obvious caveat that if your other half is abusive on any way that you should not continue attempting to fix that relationship.

    Edit: fix autocorrect oops.

34. Many of us are really happy.

35. – keep improving yourself. Make time to have interests outside of the relationship. Hopefully your spouse will do the same. Healthy, happy people can contribute their best selves.
    – keep in mind that both you and your spouse have the option to leave. So, be the best person and spouse that you can be. Also have healthy expectations and boundaries with your spouse. You both deserve good partners in life.
    – make sure that you guys are aligned on the big stuff like finances, goals, children/not before getting married.
    – show affection and desire often. Know their love language and express it. Continue to date your spouse and keep things interesting
    – be civil with your spouse’s family/ friends/ colleagues etc. if these people are important to them, it will be easier on your relationship if you have a good relationship with those people
    – meet their needs and communicate yours so that they can meet yours. Try not to assume and ask clarifying questions if you ever feel anger about something they have said/done. Focus on the problem and work with them to solve it, not against them. Try not to compete with your spouse. You are on the same team

36. and don’t go into adultery and cake eaters subs. Fucking vile, selfish and depressing shit in there, although ironically, some good advice about relationships actually
    tee hee

37. My only advice is, ask yourself are you the right person for your partner and be honest with yourself. Then ask yourself is your partner the right person for you.

    Me and my wife argue about at least one thing a day. We knew each other for less than a year before we were married. What we did know about each other was what each of us wanted in a partner and that both of us were happy with that. I can tell you that what I wanted and what she wanted wouldn’t work for most people but it works for us and we will never get divorced or cheat on each other. Oh and our arguments never last long and when they are done, they are done and we move on. I love her with all my heart. She would say the same if she was typing this.

38. Do not lean on the opposite sex when you and your spouse hit a rough patch. Do not allow members of the opposite sex to lean on you when they have rough patches in any area of their life without your spouse being a part of the conversation. Have good boundaries and prioritize your spouse. If you picked a good one they will honor and care for you the same.

    If you have any doubts about compatibility or communication, do not get married until it’s resolved. Actions need to outweigh words.

39. Long screening process.

    Don’t accept disrespect early.

    Have pride and value yourself.

    Work hard.

40. Happy people aren’t asking for advice.

    Also, the world is big, out if 8 billion people would you expect nobody ti be unhappy or divorce?

    Honestly? Many of the people here complaining and or divorcing were never in good or happy relationships. When they break it down, they usually ignored glaring problems from the start that then worsened over time (Luke whether they both wanted kids, or large differences in libido etc).

    If you are entering your engagement without big glaring problems that you are regularly arguing about, then your marriage is already healthier than most of the ones being posted about.

    Divorce also isn’t the end of the world; if you realise you are no longer compatible and can be respectful, you can separate and luve happy lives and meet new people that suit the person you became. Plenty of people on here are in happy 2nd or 3rd marriages.

41. Don’t have kids unless you BOTH want to be emotionally and physically available parents

42. Be appreciative, loving, and understanding! Try to have big life decisions ironed out before you get married: how many kids/no kids, how to split housework, how to combine finances, and all the other important factors.

43. I must admit it’s easy to read everyone’s experiences on here and get worried about marriage. It’s a big commitment but it’s THE BEST one if you’re doing it with the right person.

    Quite a lot of online forums include negative posts, and most people post about things that are making them unhappy instead of what IS making them happy, as it’s a safe space for them to vent if they have nobody else to talk to or if they need advice.

    Try not to let it worry you. Only you know yourself what your relationship is like with your partner and how you feel. I’ve been with my husband for 5 years and we got married nearly 2 years ago, he is my best friend, we laugh every single day, we trust each other so much, we listen to one another and most importantly we work as a team.

    Every marriage is different, some people want different values in a marriage to another. Do what works for you both. I’d personally say if trust is there, love is there, and you make each other laugh that’s the most important thing in a marriage — “Love, laughter and happily ever after”

    Me and my husband (boyfriend at the time) purchased our first house together right before lockdown and covid hit, he’s in the military so we only saw each other on weekends prior to this… then all of a sudden we were locked in our house for 6 months together, all day every day during lockdown. I lost my job opportunities and his work gave them furlough for a while. It was SUCH a big test for us as we had never spent that much time together, but we got through it, and we’ve always said since that it could’ve made or broke us… and it made us.

    We’re inseparable, love spending as much time together as possible. People can say ‘oh you need to be with someone for more than 7+ years to know if they are the one’ and personally I don’t find that true… I’ve known people who have been together for 15 years + and they’ve decided to split. Only you know yourself how you feel about your partner, and I do believe that you know when you know.

    I met my husband when I was nearly 20 he was 23… we were together a couple of years, got engaged then got married in 2021. Some people want to spend their 20’s being single and exploring, others want to settle down. It’s completely up to that individual person what they choose to do and when.

    Congratulations on your engagement ❤️

44. Been married 32 years 2 adult children, wife is a great partner and traditional women

45. I might get downvoted for this, but I’ve been married 25 years and have parents who have been married 50+. My mom told me at one time, there were years that she didn’t even like my father. However, it wasn’t permanent. I have a coworker who’s husband recently passed, and she lamented to me that things had just started getting good again. And we agreed that it was good they ended on a high note.

    Don’t compare yourself to marriages that always seem perfect and totally happy. The important thing to know is a lot of these people are projecting a perfect life, and you’ll see them get divorced two or three years later. A lot of marriages go through periods where they are struggling. As long is there is no abuse and both people are 100% committed to the relationship and supportive to each other, these rough patches tend to go away the marriage that comes out of that is stronger and better for it.

    So I hope you have a perfect marriage that never has strife and you love and adore each other every day for the rest your lives. However if you have an average marriage where there are periods where your partner gets on your nerves and you can’t hardly stand them, I recommend you look for the positives in your marriage and do what you can to make it better. The trick to a long marriage is to keep choosing your partner every day.

46. Honestly, I’ve said to my partner on more than one occasion that I need to get off Reddit. Or at the minimum these subs about relationships and issues in relationships.

47. I love being married. We’ve been together 24 years, married for 20. Here are 4 nuggets that help me have a great marriage. 1. Talk positive about your spouse to others. When with friends don’t fall into the spouse bashing. 2. Don’t argue over text. Save disagreements for when you are face to face. 3. Make out every day, with tongue 😉 touching shouldnt lead to sex every time. Do it just because, you shouldn’t “bristle” at touch because you think it will lead to sex. 4. Don’t use the words always and never. “I always do this…you never do that”.

    Congratulations!!

48. I’ve been married for 11 years now, and can offer a bit of advice for a happy and healthy marriage.

    1. **Keep discussions about your marital problems between you, your spouse, and a licensed therapist.** Talking about every small problem in your marriage with your friends and family is never a good idea. If you’re constantly complaining about your spouse to your friends and family, they’re going to begin to form a very negative view of your spouse. Unless there is an issue where you really, truly need them to help you (like an abusive spouse who you’re trying to escape), keep it between you and your spouse, and a licensed therapist who can help to facilitate healthy communication and resolution.
    2. **Communicate with your partner constantly, openly, honestly, and respectfully.** If something your partner does is annoying/bothering/upsetting you, tell them. Tell them as soon as you recognize that you’re bothered by it. Do it in a respectful, calm, non-argumentative way, and work together to find a solution. If you wait days, weeks, months, or years to broach the subject, you’ll only be building resentment. Then when you end up being completely fed up with it, you’ll be far more cruel about the situation. Or, worse, when you two argue about something completely unrelated, you’ll wind up bringing up a whole laundry list of other grievances that you’ve been holding onto for far too long. Instead, bring up these things when they’re happening, talk about them calmly, and come to an agreement with one another.
    3. **Learn the art of compromise.** In marriage, there will often be decisions that need to be made where you and your partner are on opposite sides in terms of what choice to make. Compromising doesn’t mean that one person always has to surrender to the other person. You really want Chinese food for dinner tonight, but they want Mexican. Make the agreement that whomever gets to pick dinner this time, doesn’t get to next time. (Taking turns is a great way to compromise on things like this!) If it’s an argument about them wanting their family to stay with you guys for a month for the holidays, and you not wanting them there for more than a couple of days, then find a time frame (maybe 2 weeks?) that you can both agree on as long as your partner is the one responsible for entertaining their own family members when you need time to yourself. (No one gets precisely what they want, but both give up a little bit of their ideal solution in order to give the other person a bit more of what they want instead.)
    4. **Honesty about all things, all the time.** Lies always come out eventually. Be honest the first time, every time. Once trust has been damaged, it’s nigh impossible to repair.
    5. **Figure out how finances, child rearing, in-law visitation, pets, household chores, and other important aspects of life will be handled before the wedding.** Are you going to combine finances completely? Will you be splitting bills 50/50, or proportionally based on income? How much will be put into savings each pay check? What dollar amount threshold will you set for when you need to agree on a purchase? How many children will you have, and how long do you want to wait before starting to try to conceive? If you do have children, how will they be disciplined? What religion (if any) will they be raised with? Which partner is going to be responsible for cooking, dishes, sweeping, laundry, lawn care, bathroom scrubbing, etc.? Will those chores be static, or will responsibility rotate?
    6. **Decide now whether you are both open to marriage counseling in the event that it might be helpful when things get difficult.** If one of you is very open to marriage counseling, but the other thinks it’d be pointless, that could prove to be a major roadblock down the road.

    Marriage can be a beautiful, wonderful, fantastic part of life. But for it to be good, both parties must be willing to put in 100% of their effort. There will most likely be times when your 100% will be far less quantitatively than theirs, and vice versa. There will be times when things are very difficult due to financial, medical, or other hardships. In order to weather those storms, you need to build a solid foundation beforehand. And you both need to put in the work required to maintain that foundation and build upon it constantly. If you’re both willing to do so, and you both do the work, you’ll have a much better chance at making it through.