I was having a nice message exchange with a Tinder fellow this week, who seemed polite, interested, and was doing a good job participating in the conversation. There was maybe just one tiny thing that made me question what he was looking for but it could have been a misunderstanding, and I appreciated our exchange. A couple of days ago, we had agreed that on Saturday we’d meet up for coffee and I was looking forward to it.
I was at work today when I received a message notification from him. About 10 minutes later, I was able to open the app and the conversation was gone. I assume he unmatched and was bummed. I have no clue what the message said obviously (that bothers me too lol).
Recently, I’ve been pretty positive about the apps but this was a bit disappointing. What do all you optimists tell yourselves when something like this happens? I’m kind of defaulting to “Whatever, probably dodged a bullet” but that has some negativity in it
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“Wow I can’t believe that person just got hit by a car and accidentally unmatched with me while they were walking down the street cause they were so infatuated with my profile and did not see said car coming”
It could be that he said something that he regretted and unmatched out of shame. Or it could be that he stupidly said here’s my number I’m going to delete my profile not realizing that you wouldn’t have been able to see his message once he deleted it. Or he could have just found someone else he was more compatible with. Who knows.
‘Oh, great! It obviously wasn’t meant to be, good that he could see it that early and I can find someone else! Thank you!’
However it’s also okay to be a bit bummed out about it. Feel and accept those feelings. They will pass.
“Eh fuck em.”
Sounds pessimistic, but why waste time making up a story or justifying someone else’s loss
“What’s meant for me will never miss me, and what misses me was never meant for me.”
This feeling sucks, but it’s a case of “the trash taking itself out,” so to speak.
As lovely as I am, I can’t be everybody’s cup of tea. Who knows what I said rubbed them in the wrong way. Anyways, next!
I cycle through the app like deleting it every few week, only to install it later. Due to various reason like work or other things happening, I feel overwhelmed and don’t want to drag anyone down with me.
If the conversation was good, I would assume something happened on their end for them to suddenly go cold like that.
I would probably think “the fuck? Welp – that sucks. At least I’ll have more time to do x,y and a this weekend than I thought.”
Then I’ll get a little tipsy with a friend later in the week and won’t go to sleep until I match with at least one super cute person
“Saved myself the trouble of wasting of time.”
His wife/girlfriend found the app on his phone.
Either way, I would see it as it wasn’t meant to be and you can’t be sad over something you never had.
“What is not meant for you, leaves. What is meant for you remains”
It helped my mindset when I changed my priorities in what I was looking for in a partner. I made “excited to date/get to know me” one of my nonnegotiables and it helped me get over situations like yours. Obviously this can’t be the only nonnegotiable on the list, but keeping this in mind gave me some distance in your situation. For example, I might have thought to myself, “that’s a bummer, I was enjoying chatting. But clearly he wasn’t as excited as I want a guy to be- if he was we would have gone out for that coffee and he would not have unmatched without warning, no matter his situation. On to the next.”
I’m thinking about why this was so helpful for my mindset and I think it’s because it takes the focus off of me and my worthiness and just stays on their actions. No need to pick apart what I did wrong or what they were thinking. Hope that’s helpful. Best of luck to you!
I’m a positive/upbeat person but I also have abandonment issues so a lot of conflict right here lol
The most common thought I have, on the random occasion this happens, is that the guy is one of those impatient types who got mad that I couldn’t reply to him immediately and then impulsively he clicks unmatch. I generally feel like I’ve dodged a bullet and grateful that I don’t have to deal with someone who would be so quick to drop me without even giving me a chance to reply. It’s disappointing, for sure, but in most cases probably for the best.
It’s typically I think they’re something deeply wring with them
It was probably “Here’s my number I’m deleting this app”
You know that, “OH NO! Anyway…..” meme?
That is my response any time I’m unmatched these days. 🤷🏻♂️
I usually don’t notice right away … I laugh. I mean… it’s not like we know one another or anything.
> I have no clue what the message said obviously (that bothers me too lol).
It’s pretty safe to assume that it was him canceling the date. People’s reasons for canceling are usually very legitimate, so it doesn’t matter too much what it said. For me, it’s usually “I’ve decided to become exclusive with this other person”,”I have too much going on to date right now” or “On second thought, I don’t think nonmonogamy works for me”. Either way, it’s not a big deal.
If you’ve ever cancelled a date, what was the reason? You can assume other people to have similar sorts of reasons.
Thank you. Next!
Their loss. Don’t fret about it. Go find someone who values you.
I just recently heard this “it’s not a rejection, it’s a filter”. Did you shoot your shot and they never replied? You weren’t rejected, you filtered out someone who wasn’t into you. Got ghosted? You weren’t rejected, you filtered out someone with shitty communication skills. You have the DTR conversation and the person says they aren’t looking for a relationship? You weren’t rejected, you filtered out someone who isn’t on the same page as you. This has helped my anxious little brain tremendously.
My friend once wrote these super kind messages to all her matches, telling them she wasn’t ready to date but enjoyed their conversations. She then unmatched them.
When she told me, I just went “oh hun…”. She had no idea the conversation disappeared for them and she felt so guilty.
I often think about my friend when I get unmatched 😀
I don’t think I’ve ever been unmatched in the middle of a good conversation, but I’ve unmatched plenty of people. This happens after an offensive exchange of some sort. I’ve also unmatched if things aren’t going anywhere. If I haven’t met in person, I care nothing about someone disappearing. I do get a little disappointed when I find out a person I’m talking to who I was hopeful about shows severe issues. Back to the drawing board. Sigh.
I am very upbeat and positive but it’s also in my personality. It’s genuine and I think the way I do it is whenever my mind try’s to go on paths that are unhealthy (for example me thinking what the other girl thinks of me, or comparing myself to my friends that’s are doing really well) I tell myself that’s unhealthy and a waste of time. Overtime your mind stops doing it!
I was not in control of my mind for my entire life until last year. I’m still working on it but the difference between me now and me 2, 5, 10 years ago is literally night and day. I do not give a flying damn what people think and I have goals in mind and I know I have everything I need to make those goals happen. Anyone thats negative or a hater, I don’t even acknowledge them. I found it so bizarre that people get mad when someone is doing well…
Side note, the best habit that helped me get the healthy mindset was working out first thing in the morning before work. Feed your brain healthy habits and your thoughts will follow.
Final tip is patience… your brain is a muscle and it doesn’t magically change over night or over a few months… don’t give up!!
I really feel sorry that they felt out of my league. It’s unfortunate that I’ll never be able to disappoint them.
🙂
First, what happened to you sucks.
But I think I’m able to stay somewhat positive in situations like this by not getting invested in these connections until we’ve met up in person at least once. If I match with someone, I basically understand that whatever connection we have is fragile and tenuous until we meet up. I’ve just had so many conversations seem to be going well and then they end for no reason. I just don’t put much weight into them at this point
I mean, I would just think, ok, we’re not supposed to be together then and that’s fine. I probably wouldn’t think too much on it, since we never met in person. I can understand how that would be disappointing tho!
I tell myself that I avoided a bullet 🙂
“Your loss, NERD!”
I immediately assume that they didn’t actually read my profile when swiping, and now that they’ve actually read it, encountered one of their deal-breakers.
I consider it a good thing that they self-selected out without costing me much time.
Considering I’ve been unmatched/ghosted for saying something like “planted my ass in my couch”… Because apparently the word “ass” was inappropriate.
Since that encounter I really give unmatching/ghosting ZERO thought. ZERO.