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My (21F) and my husband’s (28M) marriage was an arranged one between our parents. I was 16, and he was 23 when they forced us together. I don’t want to get into the ethics of this because I know it’s bad, and even though it’s their culture, their views are cruel and incredibly sexist. Luckily, my husband was a good man and compared to most of my friends, my marriage was peaceful. He never hit me or treated me like a slave and I’m so grateful to be married to him instead of anyone else. Our first year was incredibly painful because both our parents demanded grandchildren and neither of us was strong enough to resist them.
Luckily, we only had to have sex about 5 times for me to get pregnant with twins, and I thoroughly hated it so much that after we got the positive result, he promised never to touch me again. Something that most men wouldn’t have done. It was so painful for me that I was crying every time. I don’t blame him too much for the bad experience because we were both virgins, but that week was enough for me to never want sex again. After my sons were born in a thankfully easy birth, we stayed in our country until I was 18 before he got a job in Canada, something we have been after since our marriage. He’s a doctor and a really good one.
We left our family and moved here. And we were finally free. And neither of us wants to go back. Me for obvious reasons, and him because he’s 5th of 11 siblings and his entire family is horrible like my parents. He offered me a divorce if I wanted, so I could have a new life. But I have no education, so I can not work and I have 2 sons that need their father so even though I didn’t love him, I stayed and told him as much. We became more like friends, and our marriage only existed on paper, but he was never bad to me. He gave me money to spend and would buy me things, and I would cook him his favorite food and keep the house nice for him, and do all the chores. Our children never knew that their parents didn’t love each other because we were always nice to each other.
And when we got here, I asked him if I could get an education so he enrolled me in a local university to study business. I’m almost done now, so I can start working and actually do something besides go crazy in my house.
My sons started daycare after we came here so that they would learn English, and I started to get really bored so I downloaded a bunch of apps on my phone, because he bought me a brand new iPhone, and that’s how I found reddit, which I have been using to practice my casual English. I’m using a throwaway account because I don’t want my actual account to get attention because of this post.
After a few months here, he sat me down and told me that he had urges that only a woman could fill, but he didn’t want to hurt me and wouldn’t force me to do anything. He asked for my permission to have sex with other women, and I said yes. As long as he hid it from other people and our kids, I don’t care what he did. He would go out every Friday and come back happy, and I was just happy that he was satisfied. I didn’t love him, but I cared for him like I would a friend.
When COVID-19 started in mid-2020, I got very sick early. He pulled a lot of strings so I could get the best care in the hospital he worked at. I was useless for almost a month and a half, and he was amazing. He looked after my needs, kept my sons happy, and worked at the same time.
What sparked my love was something he did when I was in really bad pain. I was at home then, but I still couldn’t really do anything without getting out of breath. It was night time and he was helping me get into bed, but I was struggling for some reason and my entire body was painful. I was trying really hard not to cry and he noticed. He picked me up, sat down on the bed and laid my head on his lap. He started to stroke my hair while singing to me until I fell asleep, and when I woke up, he had fallen asleep in that position because I was sleeping on him. I didn’t want to wake him so I covered him with a blanket and hugged him until he woke up an hour later. He was so tender with me when I was sick that I fell in love, and even after I was cured, he was still so kind to me.
When I’m grumpy, he makes me coffee, when I’m sad he hugs me, and he does so many other things that show that he cares about me. When I went through a period after my sickness where I thought I was ugly, he started to tell me I was beautiful several times during the day. Something he still does. I started to work out with him last summer, and I know it seems a bit boastful, but I think I’m really attractive now. Men started to flirt with me, and even though I would never stray, he is always so protective of me. It just makes me love him more.
And he’s so good to our sons too. So patient and helpful, even though it’s not his duty. I don’t remember a single conversation I had with my father where he didn’t yell at me. But when my husband talks to my sons, he is so gentle and kind.
But he doesn’t love me. I was touching him a lot more, and he started to hug me before work, and after I asked, he even started to sleep in the same bed and cuddle me. He rests his head on my chest and I pet his hair until he falls asleep, and even the way he breathes on me is just perfect. I don’t know how to describe it, but I think he looks the most attractive while asleep in my arms.
Covid was the best thing that ever happened to me because I fell in love with my husband. But after the lockdown ended he started to go out every Friday again. And every time he leaves after our children go to sleep, my heart would hurt. I hate that he sleeps with other women, even though it’s my fault. And I know that he would stop if I asked, but it would be selfish of me to deny his urges when I can’t satisfy him. He even asked me after lockdown ended if I was okay with him still going out. And I wanted to say no, but I said yes and then ended up crying myself to sleep while holding his shirt that Friday night.
A few weeks ago, I followed him and watched him go out for dinner with a beautiful blonde woman. They were flirting so much, and they had sex in his car while I spied on them. We have 3 cars, and he uses that one only for his dates, so that me and my sons will never notice anything. Then they went to a cheap hotel with her for 3 hours. They were on the first floor with the window open, and I watched them do so many things, in so many positions that I felt dirty for spying. But I was also so jealous of that woman. He texted me that he was coming home, something he always does even though I’m usually asleep. I drove back home before he came out and made him a snack. He was surprised that I was awake and asked if I was waiting for him, and I asked him how it was. He was uncomfortable talking about it, but I just wanted to know more so he told me everything. Her name, that he tries to hire her at least once a month, what they do, and so much more. He calls a company and he hires a girl from them every weekend. He tries to get the blonde because she’s his favorite because she never says no to anything he asks. I want him to do all those dirty things to me, but at the same time I remember how much it hurt, and I don’t want to do it.
If I tell him that I love him, I know that he would stop going out, and he won’t be as happy. And I also don’t know how to have sex because the last time I did it was when I was 16. He won’t enjoy it with me because I can’t do the things I saw the other woman do.
But watching him enjoy other women from the side because I gave him permission stabs my heart every time he goes out.
How do I tell him that I love him without hurting myself, or making him less happy?
TLDR: I fell in love with my husband, who I am in an arranged marriage with, except I hate sex and gave him permission to sleep with other women. Now I don’t know how to tell him I want him to stop.
26 comments
I don’t want to be so blasé as to say that if you perhaps tried sex now you might like it more, because I know it’s not that simple. However, if it is something you’d like to try with him again, I’m sure if you’re honest about how you feel, he can help you through it if he’s also willing. He has more experience now, which actually, in this situation, could be a blessing. The fact that he hires these girls rather than starting a relationship with someone specific suggests to me that he cares about you. You never know, he may surprise you and reciprocate your feelings, but doesn’t want to scare/hurt you.
That said, if you do try it and it does hurt again, don’t be disheartened. It isn’t normal to hurt so much (a little, sometimes, but not that much and not all the time) so perhaps see a doctor or therapist. You were so young the last time, I’m not surprised it hurt and scared you. I started choosing to have sex at 17 (not as a virgin) and even I struggled.
This is so different from my own experience that I have no advice. The relationship does seem stable, and will probably continue to develop quite naturally in small steps.
I imagine he would enjoy teaching you and showing you.
It sounds like you both might just love one another, and there is no sex more fulfilling than that with someone you love.
You really need to sit your husband down and let him know how you feel about him. It sounds like he may have the same feelings too but won’t say because he thinks you don’t love him. So get that out in the open so you both know where you two stand with your feelings. After, let him know how you feel about him with other women and although you had permitted it before, your feelings have changed due to your feelings for him changing. Let him know you want to try being intimate and sexual again and start having more of a husband and wife relationship. Update and let us know how you both are doing.
You don’t. You can’t be happy with someone who doesn’t love you. That’s it.
I’m not at all saying you should force yourself to try sex again but also…sex is rarely good when you’re starting out. You had sex a total of 5 times when you were 16 and a virgin. There’s so many factors as to why you wouldn’t like those experiences like he was also inexperienced, you weren’t mentally prepared, you weren’t warmed up enough, you could have medical issues like endometriosis, you could have vaginismus, etc. You were literally a child. But you wrote it off and decided you just hate sex. Do you not have any sexual desire at all? Do you masturbate?
As far as everything else it sounds like he does care for you a lot so it doesn’t seem impossible but just you have to talk to him about it. Also comparing yourself to other women he’s had sex with will only make you feel worse. Every partner is a completely different experience. Also I highly doubt he would experience the intimacy with a sex worker that he could feel with his wife.
Teach yourself first, learn to maturbate with a ‘vibrator’ and use it inside yourself. Make sure you are functional and you know how to arouse yourself etc before you try again.
What a story
You two need to talk about this. You have no idea what his feelings are toward you, but you say he doesn’t love you.
Has it occurred to you that he may think the exact same thing about you? That you don’t love him?
He treats you like someone he loves, or the few details you’ve shared with us makes it sound like he does.
Just sit and have a conversation about being an actual couple and see how it goes.
First, please see a gynecologist to rule out any conditions. Sex should not hurt like that. It could be related to dryness due to stress/hormones/anxiety, which a water based lubricant can help, but please see a doctor just to be sure.
Second, try pleasuring yourself to see what you like. Getting to know your body first can help with your confidence in the bedroom. When you are ready to tell him you want to have sex again, please make sure he gets tested for STDs and uses a condom with you. Being a doctor, this should be common knowledge, but just make sure that is done so you are protected.
It sounds like he cares and he may even love you back in secret. Approach him to tell him you love him. And then go out for dates. For sex, read books like „Come As You Are“ or look up a website called OMGYes. Sex is different with every new person and you are not in competition with a professional sexworker.
Oh, Sweetheart.
Talk to him, tell him what you feel and what you want, ask him to teach you and learn what you like and don’t like. Se were your bounderys are.
Last time you tried you were very young, you were both inexperienced, didn’t know eachother and had a lot of pressure from your parents.
For me it sounds like he have very strong feelings for you, maby even love.
I have only loved once and that is still the best sex I have ever had even if it was with my first boyfriend and more than 30 years agoe…. just because we loved eachother, because of our emotional connection.
I have had sex with men far more experienced and technically better but still not even close to how it helt with the one I loved.
So, talk to him. Good luck girl!
> But he doesn’t love me
Don’t be too sure about that.
He sounds like a really good man and I hope happiness finds the two of you and blesses your family.
Here is some bad advice maybe, why don’t you dress up sexy and grab his dick.
I’m going to say something to you as if you were my daughter.
Tenderheart, you are incredible and you deserve to be loved in everyway. Your husband, cares for you, deeply. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t treat you as well as he is. For this, I think he’s a pretty amazing man.
Great sex is not about experience. Great sex comes from human connection. It’s all about trust. Trusting someone wholeheartedly and physically. It’s about building a bond. As someone who has had sex for 20 year with one man, I can tell you the best sex has happened when both my husband and I were emotionally and physcially vulnerable with each other. All walls down, nothing secret. The worst sex is the kind of sex you have to bargain for (mean pay for) or do out of fear or when you are forced (this you know, because it was your first times). Your willingness to try, your love for him, and if you have add a spirit of curiousity, will make you far superior while having sex than any prostitute because the prostitute is only into one thing- your husband’s money.
My advice is to take it slow and be honest with your husband. Start by asking him on a date and take it step by step so both of you can build your sexual and romantic relationship. Hold hands, Kiss, making out and then the different stages of a romantic relationship. Enjoy the process, savor the opportunity to get to know him on a deeper level. I cannot promise he will reciprocate love or sexual wants back, but you won’t know until you are brave enough to ask for what you want.
Nothing worth having in life comes without risk. Honestly with kindness is always best. Handing someone your heart is not easy, nor is trusting them to continue to keep it. But when your partner proves they are trustworthy with all of you there is no way to fully describe the joy that comes from being loved.
Perhaps it may also help you to go to individual counseling. What you went through when you were 16 was traumatic. Make sure to take care of yourself. Maybe go with your husband because it was traumatic for him as well. It sounds like he was just as terrified as you were and that it wasn’t what he wanted. Nothing in your post points to him wanting to hurt you. So if you tell him you won’t be hurt, and you want to try to take it slow, there may be a good chance he will love or already loves you too.
Big hug and good luck.
Be honest and say that you want to try having sex again. If you try and it still hurts go see a doctor. Also practice mastrubation get a vibrator and a dildo and try out your own body.
Tell him:
“You are a great husband. I am now a new person. If you can give US – I and You – a chance – then we just might have a love marriage in … I don’t know, maybe 6 months to an year?
I love you – will you take a gamble on that you might come to love me and US, instead of just being my carer?”
All the best.
by leaving him and marrying someone else
Please just talk to him. Maybe he will be happy about you wanting to try. He is a doctor so he should understand woman anatomy. Just try.
And please don’t ask to watch. That’s so damaging to you.
you mention that you still can’t satisfy him. is it because you wouldn’t want sex still? i get that you did that under some different conditions, even the condition that you didn’t love him, but do you think that might be different now?
perhaps it’s time to at least see if the two of you can resume a marriage relationship. he doesn’t seem to be ignoring you or treating you badly…he is very much still a friend to you and even likes you enough to cuddle with. perhaps it’s his turn to fall in love with you also.
now if you’re just worried that you don’t have as much experience as the ladies he goes out with, and that’s why you think you can’t satisfy him — i would dare to say that this is not something you need to worry about before you actually see it. i think he would very much like to engage in these activities with you.
on the other hand, he might be used to doing it in cars and in all sorts of positions. that will be something you’ll have to figure out if you can also or if you might still give him the OK to go get that elsewhere.
RemindMe! 30 days
One of the big differences is, you are actually attracted to him now so you may actually get turned on and it won’t hurt
You really need to talk to a therapist.
My suggestion may scandalize you, if so, sorry.
Buy yourself a sex toy, hell a few types of sex toys.
Try masturbation, look at the nsfw parts of Reddit.
When I was still young and inexperienced I did research! Which meant that when I finally had the opportunity, not much could scandalize me and I really just needed to refine technique more than learn from scratch.
Start with learning your body and how to make your body feel good. Get to that orgasm a few times and you will start wondering if silicon is this good what does the flesh feel like?
Find whatever your local sex store is (in my area it’s called “lovers” because that is super original) and talk to the front desk about beginners toys of a few types.
Vibrators, rabbits, g-spot stimulation, if you are brave maybe a dildo (though by itself that probably won’t get you there. You will want to do vibration and penetration together for the good stuff)
Start working through any trauma related issues that may be lingering. Talk to a therapist if you run into anything triggering.
Once your body starts realizing that sex is good and not something to be afraid of or ashamed of, then it becomes a bit easier. Because then you can talk to your husband and say “I’d like to start having sex. Are you interested?”
Then when he suggests a move you aren’t familiar with, you can say “ walk me through it and we can try”
You can do all of those things blondie can do. You just don’t have the experience yet and that comes from trying.
My only caveat is to stretch before doing some of the adventurous stuff. Throwing your back out or straining a muscle is funny the first time. It gets old faster than you do.
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