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I (27m) think my girlfriend (29f) might be cheating on me. I don’t know how to confront her. from relationship_advice

I meant to post an update earlier but it got taken down for not being 48 hours since my first post.

The next morning I ran into Dan again while Kay was out for work. He apologized for the weird exchange and I told him it was fine, but I was still curious and I asked him what exactly he heard and when it happened so that it wouldn’t happen again. Dan was a more comfortable this time and told me that it was a combination of loud moans/yes and furniture being moved around, not just in the area where our bedroom is but also in our living room and they happened on and off past midnight. I asked if he heard anything on the night I came home since Kay and I had sex that night and he said he didn’t.

My heart sank when he said that. I was just so shocked that I started just kept mumbling “but I just got home that night”. Dan put two and two together and started apologizing to me profusely. He apparently didn’t know that I had been out for weeks and when he first addressed this to me, I thought he was only talking about the night I came back. I told him everything and he said he felt awful that Kay might be cheating on me. He swore he never saw Kay with anyone the weeks I was gone and when he interacted with her she never indicated that I was out. Dan promised he would keep an eye out and let me know of anything suspicious and if I needed anything he would be there for me.

Based on what Dan said Kay was definitely not watching porn. Whenever we had sex, it was typically before midnight or in the morning. Never past midnight. Part of me wanted to confront her immediately or throw her shit out of my apartment (it’s not under her name but she splits expenses with me) and change the locks, but still no proof other than just Dan. Per the advice given in the previous thread I’m planning on getting cameras and putting them around places where she probably can’t see them. The only problem is trying to schedule a time where I can be out. We both work in the same industry and the projects we work on are pretty public. She’s currently working on one that’s local while my next one isn’t for couple weeks but that’s local too.

I couldn’t tell any of my friends this so I called my brother instead and of course he’s livid. He and my family really loved Kay and he was outraged on my behalf. He suggested what everyone else said and get cameras but when I told him she was going to be out frequently and I was going to be home, he believed she could be seeing her cheating partner outside of my apartment and volunteered to fly out and tail her for me, which I immediately said no to. He’s always been really hot headed and abrasive, and my ex (before Kay) was able to use that against him when he caught her with her cheating partner. Then he tried convincing me to hire a PI but I wasn’t really comfortable with that idea. Money isn’t the issue, just more like I felt it was too extreme. I told him not to tell anyone and he reluctantly agreed.

I just don’t know how to process this. The thought of Kay bringing some asshole home to fuck on my bed and all over my living room, after all I told her about my cheating ex, has taken a huge mental toll on me. Was she taking advantage of me this whole time? Is it someone from her circle of friends, who I’ve never really clicked well with but get along fine, or someone I’ve never met before? Honestly, when we first started dating I always felt that she was way out of my league. Kay is so beautiful and jubilant and I’ve always been kind of shy and reserved. She helped me get out of my depression with my ex and helped me adjust to the city we live in after moving from across the country. Why would she do this to me? It really sucked having to lie when she got home last night and asked me how I was feeling and telling her that I was fine. She doesn’t seem to suspect anything and she acts like nothing happened.

tldr Neighbor revealed more details that convinced me my girlfriend was cheating on me. Installed cameras but my brother suggested tailing her while she’s out but I’m not comfortable with that. Overall I’m devastated.

18 comments

  1. It’s your apartment right? Does she have a place on her own? Is. She on the lease??? If she has a place to go just pack her shit up. And change the locks.. we’ll do this no matter what.. when you play stupid games you win stupid prizes.. let her figure it out on her one.. and before she gets ideas about dragging you through mud. Just make a fast short but to the point post on your social media accounts on that you are broken up due to hers infidelity.. and just move on.. you deserve better and there are a lot of girls out there..

  2. Dude just ask her. You can read people if you surprise them. So don’t have any lead up, just confront her. If she is cheating then do what you said and lock her out. Easy to do if she doesn’t leave amicably on her own. Putting cameras on someone without permission is too far. If it comes to that then the relationship is irreparable anyways. Just kick her out regardless if your gonna do that.

  3. I never feel like going through all that nonsense is worth it. If you believe she’s cheating on you, confront her and see how she reacts. If she somehow convinces you it isn’t true then ok, but it doesn’t look good. I wouldn’t blame you to bring it up at the same time you break up with her. That way she knows it’s already over and there’s nothing to argue about.

    This stuff takes a lot out of you. The sooner you can start moving on with your life, the better. Good luck. Sorry you’re in this situation.

  4. Dude, if you’re at the point where you’re considering hiding cameras around your apartment, your relationship is already over. Just break up with her. She can go stay in a hotel or an Airbnb until she finds a place of her own.

  5. Man, if you’ve comes as far as considering setting up hidden cameras in your apartment to catch your partner, how about just calling it quits..

  6. >Why would she do this to me?

    Because she is a shitty, twisted, vile person who probably gets off on cheating. You are better off without her, kick her to the curb and move on with your life.

  7. You’re already this far, it’s best to just call it quits and break up with her

  8. Can you pretend your brother is having an emergency or a hard time and you need to leave for a weekend to spend time with him? That way you are “out” of the house and those cameras can get to work? (You said you weren’t leaving for a work trip for a while.)

  9. I’m sorry this is happening to you. The cameras are a good idea. You could put an apple air tag in her car if she doesn’t have an apple phone. Keylogger app on her computer. Consider a mirror app on her phone. again a PI would be the most efficient. Start looking into finances and how to split. Good luck

  10. M8,this is really affecting you, you should break up. You are not married you don’tneed proof to end the relationship. She cheated but you can use any excuse or no excuse to breakup, just do it and move on.

  12. You should have hired that PI to stop the cheater cliche nonsense from happening. You are too weak willed for sure.

    Anyway, good luck and hope you recover from this.

  14. Call it quits. Kick her out ASAP . You deserve so much better. There is no point carrying on in this relationship. She clearly cheated now take the trash out

  16. You need to speak with HER. YOu are just taking Dan’s word for it when he says he heard her having sex. How do you know it’s the truth? How do you know it’s her?

    You don’t just act on and believe everything that other people tell you about your SO, without talking to the SO. If you are willing to believe Dan and act on it, without even talking to her, then there is a whole lot more wrong with your relationship.

  18. Plot twist…

    The neighbour wants to get with Kay and therefore threw out a red herring.

    Or… noise in apartments travel and the noise isn’t always necessarily coming from where you think. For example, I’ve experienced where I thought the noise was coming from upstairs when in fact it was coming from 2 floors below me. Also another time I thought it was coming from upstairs but it was coming from 3 doors down.

    OP ask property management before you accuse.

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