My (25f) partner (30m) keeps saying he won’t find me attractive if I gain weight.

32 comments

1. He’s allowed to have his preference.
   Same as you can.

   What advice do you want here?

2. is he bringing it up randomly?

3. I’ll be honest…I was married 20 yrs. My ex-husband became morbidly obese for a few years. I was not physically attracted to him but loved him with all of my heart. I wouldn’t have left him over that because being overweight can be temporary and for him it was. You can love someone unconditionally, be loyal and stay with them during the times we struggle with weight gain during depression or pregnancy ect. The issue isn’t about being attractive…because we all get old and gain a few pounds/stones. The issue is if he isn’t a loyal man that will stand by you. If you got sick and developed a life long health condition…would he leave you? Is he that superficial? If so, then you have a much larger relationship issue that needs to be considered. You can control your weight…you can’t control cancer, needing a organ transplant, or being in some form of a catastrophic accident.

4. Is this one of those situations where you asked and found out, or did he just tell you randomly? This makes a big difference. Many people would not be attracted to people that are differing degrees of overweight and that is ok. We are attracted to what we are attracted to. If he got into a relationship expecting one thing that he liked and it turned into something he didn’t of course, he would feel disappointed. Most people however would not say this outright even if it is true.

   If you are pregnant now or in the future that in not the time to be trying to cut weight. The health of the baby is more important than the attraction of a spouse. The baby weight may take a short bit of time to come off but it usually does. Focus on eating healthy and not eating less and while activity is good, it’s not a good time to press it too hard.

5. >Tbh this attitude and state of mind is causing me to lose my attraction to him at the moment.

   Tell him such. If his attraction is conditional to an ideal then so is yours. His attitude is no longer apart of your long-term plan for a relationship. So in a sense you are going to not gain the weight of being with him and save a ton of future heartache.

6. People have preferences. That’s fair.

   I can appreciate that his statement is hurtful but it’s also honest. And I think a lot of people feel the way he does but aren’t honest with themselves or their partner. Then they end up on here like “how do I tell my partner I’m no longer attracted because they’ve gained a lot of weight?”

   I dunno. I (44F) have been basically the same weight since HS/college. I take fitness seriously but I’m not a gym rat, I’m just active. I really wouldn’t be attracted to someone who was pretty obese and/or inactive. Yes, bodies change and as we age, metabolism and such slows and it’s harder to maintain muscle mass as well so it’s all more effort. But sex and attraction are important to me. Unless my partner had an accident or disease that made it such that they couldn’t be active and couldn’t have sex or couldn’t lose weight, I kind of expect that they try to eat right, exercise, and stay active else it would no longer be a compatible relationship.

7. >My (25f) partner (30m) keeps telling me he doesn’t want me to gain weight.

   He sounds immature. A successful relationship takes place between _people_, not bodies. If he’s not ready to have a successful relationship, well, he has that right… But maybe you should oblige him.

8. You’re dating an insecure little man baby. You know who’s not attractive? Him

9. I mean it’s definitely rude and shallow, but I think if it is not making you feel good you should talk to him about it.

   People are entitled to feeling attractive to whoever they want, but you don’t have to be an ahole about it and it’s kind of annoying to hear your partner basically threaten you that they will lose attraction if you gain weight.

   I do see sometimes on reddit women talking about their partners not finding them attractive during pregnancy/pregnancy weight gain and I personally think that is kind of disgusting. Pretty awful thing to share with your partner who is carrying your kid. I would definitely talk to him about it because if that is his attitude tbh I would question if that is really who I want to be with.

10. He’s told you who he is. His attraction and love are conditional. He won’t stay with you if you gain baby weight, struggle with health issues or need medicine that causes you to gain weight. You can’t change your bf. But you can decide if you want to build a life with someone who has already said ‘this relationship has an expiration date.’

11. I would tell him that you can’t make any promises as to what is going to happen to your body size in the future and therefore you need to end the relationship. He’s allowed to have his preferences, and if a larger body is a dealbreaker for him, you need to make decisions based on that. You may decide that you don’t want to live your life in fear of gaining 20 pounds and having him no longer interested in you.

    You can’t change how he feels about body size. Now that you have this information though, you have to decide how you’re going to react to it.

12. he’s showing you who he is, believe him now.

13. He is telling you up front that he is a dick and this relationship is temporary with strings. You should appreciate the notice that you’d be wasting your time planning a future with him. Always have protected sex. You need to find another partner that’s for keeps. This isn’t your guy.

14. You should look up all the reddit posts of women who end up being dumped by their husband when they are pregnant because they got “fat” (baby inside) or that cheat while they are pregnant or they dump them postpartum because their body wasn’t the same (even if you loose weight, your body is never the same! It’s basic anatomy).

    That’s your future w/this man.

15. Most people become unattractive when they get overweight

16. I had an ex who told me the same thing. My weight fluctuated here and there during the relationship, but there was one point where I lost noticeable weight due to a horrible bout of gastro. After I regained the weight and then some, he mentioned how I was much more attractive during that period of weight loss (even though I was sick at that time!). I jokingly grabbed my belly and he was so repulsed by it. God forbid I ever had a baby with him, I can’t imagine how he would take it. It fucks with you. As women we grow up in a world that instils in us that our value lies in our weight and appearance. When our partners reaffirm this belief system, it can lead us further down a path of unworthiness and undesirability. It’s not worth the stress of worrying that he will not love you if you gain weight, and worse still, if you start to lose weight to appease him. You are worth so much more than just your weight and physical appearance. It’s hard enough navigating body image through the media and throwaway comments from friends and family. You deserve to be with a life partner who sees your worth beyond your size.

17. Don’t have a baby with him and lose a few stone instantly by dumping him

18. Ask him what he would do in 5 years time if you were married with a baby and you had some sort of accident which meant you became disfigured in some way, and therefore less attractive. Would he leave you then?

19. Dump him. Do you really want to live like this?

20. Look I get it however, those who always say “they should love me unconditionally” often are incapable of doing this for their partners.

    We all have standards & we are allowed to place boundaries much like you would if there was something about him that you disliked. If you dont want to change, then dont, you dont have to do anything you dont want. But The idea that people should just love you no matter what, for example; even if you were an abusive alcoholic, is a delusional & childish way to live & expect others to treat you.

21. Are you currently pregnant? If no please run. Engage in no further potential pregnancy opportunities. I beg of you. Run.

22. How many pebbles is 11 stone?

23. How long have you been with him? I would be turned off by him to.

24. Don’t have a baby with such a clown. His love is conditional and you’re worth more than that.

25. Unconditional love in my opinion is a fairytale for the most part. At least he is being honest and telling you what his conditions are periods. Now it’s up to you to decide whether you were willing to meet those conditions or walk away.

    I will say if you are willing to meet his conditions, you need to work on a list of your own . Do not give unconditional love to a man who is clearly not going to give that back.

26. He doesn’t love you. He only cares about what other men think about him when they see you together. Dump him.

27. Break up with him already. He’s trash.

28. You need to move on this is NOT healthy. This is not love. This is humiliation, making you feel unworthy and above all control. This is not a man who is or will cherish you. A real man will know your body changes when you have a child, a real man loves you his wife and future mother of his children. This is not the man for you. He is telling you this by his comments.

    Please get into IC to help you build back your self worth.

29. Yeah, this is a big trait. He is showing you over and over who he really is. Don’t dismiss this behavior.

30. There are two sides to it that I can’t completely resolve, so I’ll just give both, then try to find middle ground. As you’ll see, I’m also big on making an informed decision.

    One side is that love shouldn’t be offered conditionally. That real love makes it unnecessary to have to watch your weight, under threat of losing your lover.

    The other side is that love shouldn’t be offered when you expect to make zero effort, compromise, or sacrifice for your partner’s happiness. That, while you can and should draw boundaries around your ‘essentials,’ real love doesn’t let you put yourself first in all things.

    Your BF plainly wants a partner who won’t neglect self-care, and he’s not satisfied that you fit that description. I’m afraid your reservations may be feeding his doubts, but where those doubts spring from, I can’t begin to guess.

    OTOH I don’t care one bit for his bringing it up repeatedly without cause!! And I would say so, and persist *until I was clear as to just why he does that!!* OTOH I give him a little credit for bringing it up before swearing his love, and proposing marriage and children. He’s presented you with a choice, not a *fait accompli.* Listen, learn, and consider carefully. Best wishes, whatever you decide.

31. Dump him

32. I see posts regarding this everyday here. He really won’t stick around if you gain weight. Do what you wish with that information. I’ll urge you not to put your self respect in someone’s hand