I’m rather inexperienced when it comes to relationship. 20 year old and on my first one for 1 year now. My girlfriend says she wants me to be the man who leads the relationship. I thought that meant she wanted me to be controlling, dominating and being oppressive over the relationship. I absolutely hate the idea of having to control my partner, being obsessive and limiting her freedom. I respect her the same way she respects me. She explained to me that’s now what she wanted, but rather someone who can lead the relationship, someone she can rely on.
What does it mean to be a man in the relationship? Does that mean imposing your power over hers?
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ok… never had experience with being the “man in the relationship”, but it generally is a rather guiding, “final word?” type. It is different for everyone, because some like strong silent manly man some like the firm leader etc. Just ask her what she wants and how you can best deliver what she wants. I have to say, more used to the “woman in the relationship” role, tbh don’t like the gendered nature of them since it propagates stereotypes but.
She wants you to be decisive, have original thoughts, and problem solving abilities.
It means you make all the important decisions. I’m the man in all my relationships… but I’ve yet to make a single important decision. Lol…
Really it’s just an old saying that did mean the “man” was the final word. If they made a decision that was that. It does not mean they don’t compromise or make all the decisions but when “the man” makes it, that’s all there is. Until the Lady puts her foot down.
Ask her. It doesn’t have a set definition.
It means that you have the ultimate responsibility and burden for how things go. It means that you make decisions, taking her needs into account of course, but that once you have decided it’s done.
Simple example. You don’t say, ‘Honey what do you want for dinner tonight? You choose’
You say, ‘I made reservations at such and such a place at 7’
This is only controlling and oppressive if you are picking bad restaurants. If you’re picking good ones it’s fun and sexy.
Burden of leadership.
> I thought that meant she wanted me to be controlling, dominating and being oppressive over the relationship.
Wow, way to take from 0 to 100. I’m guessing she just wants you to take more initiative in your activities and possibly the bedroom. For example, instead of asking “hey, do you want to see this movie. What time works best for you? What time do you want to leave? Do you like this outfit?” Try saying something like “lets go see this movie at 7:00pm tomorrow.” If she says sure, then follow up with “I’ll pick you up at 630.” And show up wearing whatever you want. She’ll tell you if she doesn’t want to go, or if the time is bad. If she doesn’t want to go then go by yourself or with a buddy and don’t make a big deal about it.
Maybe she wants you to be a little more dominant in the bedroom too. Now before we go 100 again, I’m not talking rape fantasy level here. Maybe just focus on yourself more than her once in awhile. You probably get off on seeing her enjoy herself. Well, she probably feels the same way about you too. So it’s OK to not check in with her constantly or not last for 6 hours, and when your done you just cuddle her without asking her how it was.
Try being more confident or at least decisive and if she responds positively (without asking her, just read her body language) then keep doing that. Keep dialog open with her and listen when she talks. She doesnt want you to make all the decisions, or decisions for her.
As others have said, she probably expects you to take responsibility on certain things. Like what should you guys do when going out, you need to decide that, you need to take her out and arrange stuff. It might also be a good idea to talk about this with her and perhaps suggest that she could sometimes take the lead as well.
In my past relationship I was often making many this kind of decisions. When we travelled, I looked up all the timetables for trains, streets where hostels were, restaurants, all that in a country where I didn’t even understand the language or writing system. This made my girlfriend feel safe I guess, she felt she could trust me with these things as I lead the way. However, it also caused some arguments as she wasn’t always happy with my decisions. When I asked her to figure all the stuff out it didn’t work, cause she hadn’t done that kind of problem solving before. Eventually we started making decisions together and it worked out really well.
To be emotionally stable. To walk softly and carry a big stick: be formidable, powerful, and dangerous like the beast, but gentle and compassionate. She wants you to be a self confident leader; like u/2K_Argo commented, “be decisive…”