I am 18 with no friends. I know I am still young and have long road ahead, but I still cannot shake the feeling that I will forever be alone. To my knowledge I have always been the goody or ditsy friend, but I have never had any close friends except one. All my friendships are nothing past acquaintance status because they never last. I am aware of my issues and maybe toxic traits but some things I feel like I am unable to fix. I have always been a little awkward and never knew how to fit in, so with that I absorbed a bit of everyone’s personality to be liked but, that only went so far. I always had trouble with small talk and starting conversations. I either never know how to properly end it or what to say. If I do not have a topic in mind I wont have nothing to give. I try asking them about themselves or leaning the conversation towards them but it doesn’t go far. I only have a few hobbies which is drawing and music so continuing a conversation isn’t as easy. I did have potential friendships but since I don’t have a car, hanging out is limited. I also forgot to mention that I am black. This might be offensive but I never could fit with other black folks either because even when I tried It never lasted because I was too weird or immature and stupid. I gravitated towards the wrong crowds because in my young mind being disrespectful and rude was cool and lot of the kids I hung out with were I guess ghetto. Well years later I decided I would change that and I did. Except I not only tried to change myself as a person but I tried to act like entirely different or I guess you could say, “white”. Well this whole facade has been going on since 2019. On top of this, I have an incredibly low self esteem. It all stems from past events and I guess anxiety. I feel like alien amongst peers and overthink my response to everything. I accepted that I will probably never have any friends or a relationship but sometimes I still feel alone. Even when I do manage to make friends here and there I always get exhausted of the constant contact eventually I want a break. Sometimes I feel like I’m not smart enough especially when I have a lighter tone when I am around people I don’t really know. I also feel like I come off as intimidating because of my resting face. With the tone of my voice added, I feel like people may not take me serious and I feel like I less respected.