Is it just me? Am I being unreasonable to think this just gives me “the ick”? Are women really accepting this as the norm, even when intentions were made crystal clear?
I’ve been speaking with a man for one week, we have met three times – he’s eager but it was feeling very low pressure and we have had discussions about what we were both looking for, dating style, communication style, etc. We appeared to be on the same page, he wasn’t just telling me the same things after I said them, he said the same things I thought before knowing what I wanted. We discussed what we were looking for both before we met and since. We were both clear we weren’t jumping into anything and would take our time to get to know each other before being intimate at all. I was clear I don’t want to sleep with anyone unless we have genuinely gotten to know each other and are on the same page about what we are looking for, etc. He is quite interested in me and making it known.
Date one was probably two days into us talking; he drove to me in my city and took me for dinner. We live about 45 mins away from each other at decent traffic times. Dinner went well, there was no kiss or anything, it felt all very refreshing.
The next day I was working from a coffee shop, and he suggested he come out and see me for a little break in the day. He came to me in the town over, another say 10 minutes further for him.. again, it went well. It was feeling very refreshing, to see effort, to be chatting with someone on the same page, and to know he has his shit together. Afterward, he said he had wanted to kiss me, I told him I wouldn’t have stopped him.
We met a third time, which truthfully felt like too much for week one of talking, I’m pretty busy this week, but I squeezed it in, we went for another dinner, I was on the road that day so I went to him this time. Everything was going smoothly, the date was nice.
He does have a problem with interrupting it seems, and changing the conversation to him and a related story about him, without letting the other person finish, which is where some apprehension came in. I asked if anyone has ever mentioned he interrupts people a lot, he said no, apologized, and said he would work on it.
Throughout, he has been communicative that he is very interested, wants to put in effort, and is wanting to get to know each other better before hopping into bed.
Then last night he says, and I quote, “I’d suggest letting me come visit you. But you would have to agree to alot of making out and not wearing pants š¤£ to make it worth the drive”
Like.. to literally be a grown ass man and tell a woman you’re only worthwhile if your pants are off? I just don’t find this funny or endearing or cute…
I can’t tell if I’m being cynical and overreacting by not wanting to reply ever again to this man I’ve just met… but my gut definitely tells me he was saying what he thought I wanted to hear to get in my pants.
Is this really just the norm now? I’m exxxxhhhaaaausted.
41 comments
i’m a guy and that reads to me like some awkward flirting. jumping to “he only sees me as a body” feels like an overreaction. but if it’s how you feel, it’s how you feel. my own boyfriend said something similar to me when we first started dating and it was cute.
this guy is socially awkward and probably knows it thatās why heās racing his way through this trying to get laid before inevitable rejection sets in
No, you’re not being cynical. He is telegraphing his priority of interest.
I don’t think you’re overreacting, per se, because I’d also be pretty turned off by that comment. You could give him the benefit of the doubt this one time and assume it was an unsuccessful attempt at flirting, you could communicate directly with him about how it made you feel, or you could cut the whole thing off. Which option would make you feel at peace?
Not being over cynical at all, this is pretty gross, maybe it’s a poor attempt at being flirty or maybe it’s not, make it clear if you do meet up you have no intention of anything happening & stick to your boundaries
No, I would absolutely end it there.
Iām with you on this one – Iād be sooo turned off by this comment too. I donāt care if itās social awkwardness or bad flirting, I value someone who can read the room and not imply that the drive is only worth it if my pants are off.
In your position, if you liked him a lot up until this comment, I would probably just push back on that comment straight away and see how he reacts. If you replied āhaha well Iād love to see you again too but it kinda sounds like youāre only interested in coming out here if my pants are off?ā And see what he says. If he backpedals and apologizes, it could be a good sign. If he doubles down and gets defensive, then Iād bail for sure.
Flirting like that only works after you been dating and intimate for awhile, and have a rapport.
I would find it a bit cringe and icky. It could just be awkward flirting, or it could be a red flag. Depending on how everything else is going I would note it in my mind and just keep an eye on things.
I will say, based on your very brief description he may have ADHD – coming from someone with ADHD. The interrupting and telling a related story about himself is SUPER common and something I have to actively stop myself from doing especially around people who donāt know me well. Itās not that Iām trying to interrupt but for me itās a way to relate to someone and share a similar experience. Same with the jokes that donāt land, sometimes reading the right cues can be hard or it comes off poorly via text.
Overall though, anything you donāt like is absolutely fine. You donāt need to tolerate things because theyāre deemed ānormalā in dating.
Oh he is trying to be slick but thatās slimy. He wants to hook up. I would put lol nice try. Then thatās it. Gauge how he reacts after that. But also, there are some guys who will play nice until they hook up and then leave you so keep that in mind to.
Three times in a week? The first week? That’s a lot. I wonder how he’ll react if you decline an offer to meet up. That text for sure seems awkward and cringey, and I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to call it off, but if you’re up for it I would tell him that you found it offensive so that he’s not left wondering where he went wrong. Give him a chance to learn from and correct his jabronie behavior.
Man he took a swing and a miss on that one!
It was definitely poor taste
He also might be a love bomber. Seeing you 3 times in one weekā¦.some men do that because they are trying to speed through to the part where you feel āconnectedā enough to sleep with them, because that is really what they want.
Maybe, to give benefit of the doubt, it isnāt ALL they want, but thatās their urgent priority. So if it isnāt yours, shut him down.
Up to you whether you want to give him another chance or not but he needs to take the L on this one, he messed up.
Gross
He’s raced through to get date three within a week. And now he’s getting irritated that you didn’t hook up on date three, so he’s starting to worry that all his “niceness” was a bad investment. It sounds like his true personality/intentions are starting to come out!
Avoid. Questionable in the first week, imagine being interrupted to be told your panties need to be down if contributing to a household / family / career / whatever youāre wanting in a partner
Interruption shows little respect, byeeeee!
No, youāre not being cynical. I would immediately be grossed out and not speak to him again. Spending time with someone is what makes a drive worthwhile to me, that comment makes it clear he just wants sex and does not care about you as a person if he doesnāt want to come by without some promised action. Gross. Leave him be and move on.
I will say that there is some gray area here. You both agreed to not sleep with each other until you got to know each other. I could see someone believing you had a good enough idea of the other person by date 4.
I think it helps to put timelines as the goalpost rather than feelings, because feelings of closeness vary person by person, whereas “I usually need X weeks/6 dates to feel comfortable doing that” is going to be the same metric for both person.
That said, no, I don’t think that type of text is very endearing at 30+. Even if I felt ready for that, I expect people to be a little more subtle (and “to make it worth the drive” is prob just bad flirting on his part but super cringe)
You’re definitely not overreacting, I’ve never been drier reading that sentence. This is also coming from someone who gets the ick over dumb shit like newsboy caps
He put in that amount of effort because he was looking for a good ROI and certain results instead of letting you two grow organically.
Holy shit… it sounds like he is is attracted to the idea of you and not you… I wish there was a way to filter out this dishonesty. Imo, the post few hangouts after the first date where you said it was “refreshing to see effort”, felt too fast in terms of expectations. Like as I guy I wouldn’t feel comfortable just popping in randomly that much as I not only worry about the expectation from the girl, but I worry for me making my life revolve around this person when we’re still getting to know one another.
I get people go at different paces, but this felt like a misalignment of the verbal expectation and actionable expectations.
It looks like you guys haven’t even kissed yet? And he’s asking to make out and have your pants off? It’s giving me ick from 10,000 miles away š
Iād be icked out by it too. Itās not funny. Itās been one week.
Well that escalated quickly. Didn’t see that coming.
Hmm one would imagine a relationship is worth a drive no matter the attire worn let alone for him to say that out loud. That seems icky to me as a guy.
Everybody is saying he has adhd literally is just projecting and being arm chair psychologists. We do not have enough info. Ridiculous.
This is a no go for me. Look on the bright side- at least he revealed his true character to you earlier rather than later. Good luck!
It’s a super clumsy was for a grown man to bring up sex, but he wants to move onto sex. If you’re good with that, pressure him to work on communication. If you’re not good with that, indicate it clearly and maybe take a step back.
Heād be immediately cut off. The clinginess, whether love bombing, transactional, or genuine desire, would be too much for me to handle. I need a man with his own life and not for me to become it.
I just wanted to chime in and say that as someone with ADHD, interrupting someone and being egotistical is still rude behavior and ADHD doesnāt excuse it lol
He seems like he is just trying very hard to get what he wants and I highly doubt that heād still stay after getting what he wants. Try this for longer and he will show you his true intention in no time
āItās only worth my time if you take your pants offā is also quite the neg about any other activity or quality he could like about you.
āItās only worth my time if you take your pants offā is also quite the neg about any other activity or quality he could like about you.
That’s gross. Ghost him. It’s like he was trying to cram in as much time with you as possible to try to make you feel like you’ve gotten to know him so that you would sleep with him.
I mean, weāre all adults here right? If you like each other enough you make it work. Even if a joke or flirting attempt didnāt land. And at 30+ years old I really donāt see the problem with a man wanting sex.
Also, 45 minutes away? Heās probably just tired and figuring out how to work you into his schedule. If you lived across the street from each other, 3 times in a week wouldnāt be weird at all (supposing you hit it off).
And Iām a little confused that you said youāre on the same page about taking it slow but heās rushing to have sex. Did he agree to take it slow? You said you think heās just telling him what you want to hear- why not share that with him and see how that goes?
Thereās definitely a 3 date rule for a lot of people, but at the end of the day, itās key to let someone know youāre interested without being cringe. Itās a fine line you have to walk. He just failed miserably.
This guy had a lot of promise in the first half, but if he were genuinely like that and not a ānice guyā, he wouldnāt be joking about having your pants off after only knowing you for such a short time. Iād bet good money that if you turn him down now, heāll exhibit typical nice guy rejection behavior, which will further confirm that you made the right decision.
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I got the ick too sisā¦
The immediate look of disgust on my face while reading his text. Dear lord. Youāve known each other a week! This man only seems serious about one thingā¦
Flirting like that can work well if you know each other enough, which it does not sound like here. So he read the room wrong for sure.
But also you telling him off for interrupting you while nobody had ever mentioned it to him before? I’d be getting instant bad vibes from that. IMHO, this is not something you say to someone you’ve just met and have not formed a connection with yet or are genuinely interested in forming a connection with.
> “I’d suggest letting me come visit you. But you would have to agree to alot of making out and not wearing pants š¤£ to make it worth the drive”
You are not overreacting. This is a very clear, explicit, tactless demand for sex from you. It’s gross. You don’t even know this person.
Some people chalk this up as awkward flirting and I’m really side eyeing them right now. Plenty of people have ADHD without being weirdly sexually forward with someone they’ve only known for less than two weeks.
Please block and delete