Inspired by a similar question posted on r/parenting, the responses to which were UNHINGED. Typical sanctimonious pearl clutching, you know the type. Mum was tired fighting her daughter on this issue; comments were overwhelmingly prudish around sex, equating being allowed to have sex at home with promiscuity and teenage pregnancy etc.
So! If you have older teenagers, is their boyfriend/girlfriend allowed to sleep with them in your home? What are your rules/boundaries around this? What were you allowed to do as a teens living at home? Thanks!
37 comments
Yes. Better at my house than his, or worse in some car somewhere. A 17 year old is one year away from being considered an adult and having some trust is part of growing up.
My family weren’t keen on the idea. I think a more open-minded attitude is evolving though.
Oh, yeah. I wouldn’t have had a problem at 17, even earlier. I’ve been staying over at my husband’s (then boyfriend’s) house all weekend or longer since I was 17. My sister’s boyfriend has also been at our parents’ house all weekend since he was 16. My parents trust my and my sister’s judgment and they trust us, especially our dad.
I don’t see anything wrong with that. Like they’re gonna have sex? They can have it elsewhere and during the day :D. If you teach your kids enough about how to use protection, that it’s good to take it slow and not do anything that’s uncomfortable, I think it’s all good.
I never asked my parents as a teen to have my boyfriend stay over but in general, their approach was that we were better off doing things like underage drinking etc. under supervision or in a safe place as opposed to pretending we didn’t do it so I think they would have allowed it if I asked.
They wouldn’t have just unilaterally let him stay without speaking to his parents first though.
Edit: And I would also be fine with it. Encouraging your teenagers to keep important things from you & to do the things they’re going to do anyway but less safely is not logical imo.
Not a parent but have friends with kids that age and it’s probably a 50/50 split.
I definitely would. Rather my house than somewhere else…
I had opposite sex friends for sleepovers at 16 or so, in my room too, with closed doors, not girlfriends though, mostly because I didn’t have any girlfriends at that age, but I’m certain my parents would have allowed that too.
Every friend – male, female, girlfriend, boyfriend – has always been allowed to have a sleepover at my parents house.
I think it’s hilarious to ban sleepovers. Like, what do you think, they are going to do? Having sex? Well, if they wanted to have sex, they already did it.
Yeah, they are legal to have sex , just make sure the kid knows where the condoms are and that they are safe.
Honestly they are on the verge of being legal adults, why the heck should I treat them as toddler.
They can sleep together in the same bedroom. I made it pretty clear that if they do want to fool around or have sex they need to do it safely, clean up after themselves and do it discreetly. I don’t want them to think that it’s normal to do it in the house while other people are present and awake, so if they’re able to find a way to get some time alone and do it then go for it (teenagers are pretty good in finding these windows of opportunity). But if they do it while myself or other people can hear it or notice it then I’m 100% not going to allow it anymore and start making them sleep in separate rooms.
I’m from the Balkans and we are still going strong with the fake purity. I didn’t have a boyfriend in highschool but my friend did and he was not allowed in her house or vice versa. And guess what? They still had sex. If I ever have kids they will be allowed to bring boyfriends/girlfriends.
Yes. Better under my roof than in somewhere not safe. I have been a teenager and I know that horny teenagers will find ways to have sex no matter what they’re parent’s think. I’d rather know that they are doing it safely and are open to talk to me if there’s any problem(abusive gf/bf, being homosexual, doubts about sexuality/drugs, etc)
Sure. Even bought my son a bigger bed to make it more comfortable. I think he was 16 at the time.
My view is that prudishness isn’t going to prevent teen pregnancy.
Depends if i like her and if he did the dishes/hoover/clean sheets before.
I am from India and I am stunned by so much positive response from people on this post, it’s really a sign of hope that things would change when I move.
You people are so open-minded or put in other terms not extremely close-minded. You tend to treat your adult children like almost as adult, here people dont treat them the same way, barely as a person as well in some situations.
Chiming in from Germany – yes, my children have had partners sleep over from age 16 onwards, I don’t care as long as they’re quiet at night and don’t disturb the rest of the house. I don’t have a problem with them having sex, they’re teens fgs and it’s a biological imperative. As long as they’re using protection and it’s all safe, consensual and discreet, it’s fine with me and I keep my nose out of it.
My parents were also chill about my boyfriend sleeping over when I was a teen in the 90s.
Not a parent but would probably allow as long as their parents agree.
Jokes on parents who are so afraid their kid will have sex – to be fair, I don’t think I have ever had sex during the night as a 17-20yo. Always during the day.
Also, I used to meet with people in some weird place in Poland. Basically a public space where drinking was allowed and nobody was bothering us. Lots and lots of people. It was awesome, I’ve met great friends, we had fun and we behaved as we should.
But I also met literal kids having sex in the bushes. Yeah, if your kid wants to have sex, they will.
Also from Germany, this was the norm when I was that age in the late 1990s. We all had had sex ed in school so in general we knew what contraceptives there are. Sometimes parents would ask what contraceptives their children would use or they would accompany their daughters to get hormonal contraceptives.
All in all, parents allowing their childs partner not sleeping over was the norm in my social circles.
I think our parents were pretty happy when we were together in one room. As that meant we weren’t blocking the phone and increasing the bill.
I really never asked my parents. When i was 14 and had my first girlfriend, i informed them about it and that was it. And then told them in advance when they had to make sure that we have enough food at home for one more person.
Not a parent but yeah def, kids will fuck either way if they want to.
I had my first bf at 17 and the first 5 times we had sex, it was at either one’s place and it wasn’t a sleepover.
I would also take care to educate children about consent and pleasure.
My parents never allowed me nor my sister to bring boyfriends over (girlfriends were OK). Even the “long lasting” ones. I always found it stupid.
Now that I am a mom, you bet I am going to allow my children to have sleepovers with girfriends/boyfriends.
If a teenager wants to have sex, they will have sex, regardless if it’s at home or somewhere else. I very much preffer to offer them a safe space to do so.
So when I was 16 I had a boyfriend who was 19 with his own flat. We obviously spend most of our time at his place. My parents solution was to buy me a bigger bed for more “comfortable sleepovers” so we’d spend time at my parents place and they get to spend more time with me.
So yeah, they never had a problem with anybody sleeping over and were quite aware when I became sexually active, because I told them. They helped me to make an appointment at the ob/gyn to get me on the pill. I also talked (and still talk) with them if I had relationship problems and they make sure to have my back or to tell me that I’m mean to my boyfriend (depending on the situation).
I hope to have a similar relationship with my kids one day, and think it’s ridiculous to pretend that teenagers don’t have sex.
It’d be hard specially if it’s a daughter, but I don’t want to be hypocrite, when I was 18 I slept with my exgf, who was 16 back then in her parents or in my parents house maybe 3-4 days a week so… I guess if it’s something serious then it’s ok… That’s it. But my parents forbid me to bring multiple girls at home, only my long term girlfriend was allowed. I’d do the same probably.
My kids aren’t 17 yet but I’m fine with the idea now and will probably remain so when they’re that age, too.
If they’re not having sex, they’re hopefully having a good time anyway. If they’re having sex, then the best place for that is at home, where it’s safe, private and easy to clean up after. And it’s my job anyway to explain safe and consensual sex well before they get to trying it.
One thing that I really don’t get about American parenting culture is the whole treatment of 18 as some special adult age. As if at 17 you’re a child with no freedom and then you turn 18 and are suddenly an adult. While a hard cutoff date is needed for the legal system, it’s bizarre to me to actually treat your children that way and to pretend there’s a binary child/adult distinction either side of some date. Child/adult is a spectrum and a typical 17 year old is a lot closer to adult than say a 12 year old.
I am not a parent, but I had a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for years. I lived on the north, he lived on the other side of the country. My mom and stepfather handled things quite easy, but wanted me to be okay. They said my BF has to come here at the beginning and let’s say make me a big girl here, before that I was not allowed to go to him, because if everything is alright here okay, if not they can protect me and I am still safe at home. (By the way we are together now for ten years, so everything went well and he is my parents favourite “son-in-law” despite we aren’t married)
So I think it is okay. If you want to keed your child safe, you can do that even if you let bf/gf sleep over. You can be there in another room if your kid needs you
My sister is 17 now and her boyfriend often sleeps over
I’m personally not a parent but i can answer on my mom’s behalf.
She was fine with sleepovers when i was 17. Never offered any resistance. Her reasoning was that it’s a safe place and better than elsewhere. Also it’s just normal behavior so why would she protest.
I don’t come from a religious family so premarital stuff is not an issue.
Well, Im 20 now, but I was allowed to sleep over at girls’ houses when I was 16-17. I’ve never met any parent who was very against it. Mind you, this was in a stage when we weren’t exactly bf and gf.
It’s very normal to let your childs partner sleep over or have your child sleep over at their house at this age. Usually, there are no specific rules or boundaries
I’m not a parent but I would probably allow it after having a very awkward “the talk.”
Like most have said its best in a safe environment and its something that you wouldn’t be able to stop teens from doing.
When I was a teen my best friends parents openly had a bowl of condoms in the toilet for anyone to use.
r/parenting is probs all American. They have this weird idea that people are babies until their 18th birthday when they become full-blown adults.
Yet they’ll try “minors” as adults for certain crimes and sentence raped girls who get an abortion to death.
Fucking crazy country. If you argue that teens are capable of reasoning above toddler-level they assume you want to fuck them yourself and call you a paedo.
Not a parent but I was exactly 17 when my girlfriend first slept over and she was in my bed. It was an extremely brief debate with my parents. My Mom even said something like ‘well, I don’t want you to have to hide in the woods to do it.’ so it was cool.
If I were a parent or were to advise a parent I would definitely allow a 17 or 16 year old to stay over. It’s the natural age when teens start having sex and they WILL find a location to do it, so why not in the comfort of their own home.
My dad was quite traditional and had the “my house, my rules” mentality and would say “not under my roof.” As soon as I was off to uni he didn’t care at all what I did, which I did find quite strange. Didn’t matter though, because teenagers always find another way.
Where I live (Scandinavia) sleepovers are common from about 14. I am an immigrant here from central Europe – and My daughter is nowhere near that age – so I have a few more years to figure out what my opinion is on this (sex at 14).
That said at 17 – definitely.
That is completely normal, all my friends with partners regularily have sleepovers at each other’s. But also, i wouldn’t wanna have sex when my parents are home. That is best left to a time we are alone. So if the parents are home i think many doesnt go further than cuddling anyway.
At the age of 17 I was living “on my own” – and sleeping with who I choose. Now, having a 17 years old son – i had no problem with with girl sleeping with him. First, I just can be such hypocrite. Second – better give young people safe space than to force them to do “that” in some wild way.
Spanish. I don’t know what my parents would have done because I never brought a boyfriend at home at that age. But i brought plenty of male friends and they were ok with them staying in my room at night. I wasn’t dating any of them but idk what my parents believed.
If I had kids I would encourage them to have female and male friends so they would both be invited. Regarding boy/girlfriends they would also be ok. Maybe I would be a bit anxious if they were young but after 16 I think that they should definitely be allowed.
Maybe do the typical thing of going out that evening so they have some privacy. The mum of a friend would do that and it was really cool. Like “I am going out to the cinema I will be back at x hour” so they could have their intimate times and then not be akward.
Better at home than in the streets. That’s what I think, at least. If my teen wants to bring someone I’d be happy they trust me enough to share these moments. To fight and embarrass a teenager leads nowhere but to an angry and unsuccessful adult.
Not a parent, but yes I would and I think most people in Finland would.
When I was that age or a bit younger, my the girlfriend would often crash at my place after watching a movie or whatever, or I would sleep at hers. Completely normal.
That’s when the relationship is “established”, so to say, and the parents have already met and know the girl/boyfriend. Bringing in one night stands etc. at that age would probably be a different story.